View User's Journal

Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

Weather: Stormy, cold, and gray.
Music: Only One
Questing: Elven Ears

This song called Only One that I have heard recently tears my soul apart like no other. Ever since I heard it for the first time I have been evaluating my life. I would post it, but I don't want the person who introduced me to it think that I am copying from his journal.

Anyway, this life I have now is not how I want to live at all. To go through life without anyone to care for, or to care for you, is a meaningless existance. I do not want my life to be without any meaning or substance. That is why I escape from reality whenever possible. For a moment, I can save a world or become anything I want. I always have to come back, back to this nightmare of a life. People may say I have it good comparitivly---Well, I'm not here to compare.

I know what I deal with, I know how I feel. I'm tired of being fake, being happy for others. It's all false. I want to embrace every emotion I feel, live it. I can only hope that one of those emotions I will feel in my life will be love. That elusive image of someone who would love despite every one of the faults I have haunts my mind.

Empty? No...I am full of emotion right now.

I am tired of doing busy things that do not seem to matter to me: 'going through the motions'. Doing only what I have to do to live and not enjoying a bit of my life.

I am tired of hating myself. For constantly second guessing everything I say, everything I do, every thought I've ever had. And to hate how I look every second of the day.

I am tired of trying to please everyone, being what they want me to be and not what I want to be.

And I'm tired of being lonely.

Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

More Information