Lived a princess straight out of a fairy tale
Just not any fairy tale of which we’ve heard
‘Cuz even for a fairy tale this story’s absurd
In our fairy-tale story the main character
Is the porcelain-skinned Princess Lamia
A stab-happy beauty with raven hair
Full pouty lips and an icy blue stare
Our story starts off in the castle hall
Where a Mirror was hung upon the wall
A magical one capable of telling any truth
(No relation to any other. Please, no lawsuit)
The Mirror was owned by the evil Queen
Who used it (of course) to do more than just preen
Well, not really, because she didn’t really care
About anything else except being the most fair
Every day, “Mirror, Mirror on the wall,”
She’d ask, “Who’s the fairest of them all?”
And every time the Mirror answered, “You my Queen
You’re the fairest woman I’ve ever seen”
But that day the Mirror was yet again tasked
With answering the same question she always asked
The answer this time though the Queen didn’t expect
“Lamia” said the Mirror, which got the Queen vexed
“That psycho!” yelled the Queen, for she couldn’t believe
How Lamia could be fairer she could not conceive
“But” explained the Mirror with a most cheery air
“Whom does she refuse to stab?” So of course she was fair
While the Queen grumbled and trembled angrily
Along came Princess Lamia who wanted to see
If she could use the Mirror if the Queen was done with it
For the Princess wanted to narcissize a bit
The wicked Queen came up with a devious plan
And held out poisoned lipstick in her hand
“…Still preening dear. Have some poisoned lipstick…”
To which Lamia replied, “Poisoned lipstick! My favourite!”
And so with a gag, a gack, and a choke
Poor wide-eyed Lamia grasped at her throat
Fell into a deep slumber right where she stood
And had her body unceremoniously dumped deep in the wood
Many years passed and a young prince came of age
And his mother thought that he’d just about reached the stage
Where it was time he married a princess and settled down
To rule over the kingdom and wear a nifty crown
To aide him in this task she summoned the Royal Sage
Who chewed magic mushrooms (frowned upon in this day and age)
As the hallucinogens worked in his mind he spied
The perfect place for the prince to find his bride
She lay there in the old woods, a sight hard to miss
“Like! You must totally wake her up with a kiss,
Dude,” the Sage said to the bride-seeking prince
But still he seemed like he was not fully convinced
“The woods where everyone’s unconscious?”
The prince’s expression asked if the Sage was serious
But his mother interjected with a little quip
She said to him, “Just think of it as a car dealership…”
And so our brave prince ventured off hoping to find
A worthy princess both beautiful and kind
Unfortunately for him, it’s not quite what he found
When he came across lamia lying upon the ground
He’s spent the day searching but saw none he liked
Ranging from too manly to too WTF in his sight
Until he came upon her lying still in a copse
With a bloody sword at her side and many a corpse
Naturally the prince started having second thoughts
But then, “Only a royal treasury could cover her lipstick cost.”
So he decided, “Nothing ventured, nothing gained.”
And gained a stab wound to the stomach and a lot of pain
And so happily ever after did our heroine live
Even if those who got near her never did
While the evil Queen would forever still hear
That for the same reason Lamia was the most fair
And so ends our fairy tale with a little life lesson
Is when you see a bloody sword and pile of corpses, run!
Don’t touch! Or something like that, I think it should go…
Aww hell, you know what? The moral’s “Eat at Joe’s!”
By Julio Van Joseph
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ilafatyu
Now, take out your brain and replace it with one of those.
What does the AAY username make you think about?
The way he put that! I can't stop laughing!
