Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

While running around like a madwoman tonight, I had some time to put a few things in my life into some sort of perspective.

First thing is first: I may be getting s**t done, but I still hate my life. I cannot say that I am happy with things they are now; they could be much worse. I feel like that little white mouse rolling away in that hampster ball, but not getting anywhere. (Fast anyway) I'm tired of putting 200% and only moving a fraction of what I should be moving at.

Second thing: School. What am I doing with my life? I have several ideas, but I cannot stick to one for long. I'm scared of the idea of actually finishing school and being left to find a job in my major. (If at all) I'm just worried that I'll be stuck in some dead-end job like the one I am in now.

Third thing: Work. My job is okay, but it is not the best in the world. (At least when people don't dump a laundry list of things to do on my head) I get all the stuff I need to get done, done, but no one helps me whatsoever. Even when I ask for it. I would like to go home sometime as well, that doesn't mean sit down at watch me run around. My boss is an a*****e, and refuses to promote me, eventhough he doesn't say it, I know he's thinking it. I work hard, I do my job, and I do it to the best of my ability. Apparently my best is not enough in his eyes. There is no way in hell I am sucking up to his a**, I'd rather quit.

Fourth thing: Dating. Supposedly there are people out there that like me; however, they only want a fling with me. I am not that kind of person and will never subject myself to such things. No guy wants a real relationship with a girl anymore, all they want is sex, and it surprises me that people want that sort of thing out of me. I still want someone to like me for me, though that is never going to happen. I've done a good job of pushing these mixed emotions to the back seat, but I can't help but bring them back up sometimes. I guess I'm destined to be alone for a long time, since I choose not to subject myself to one night stands. I don't want to feel used more than I have already felt before.

Meh, thats going to really ******** up my future relationships. I feel used, and I can't stand the thought of anyone touching me, or getting within six inches of me. It makes me feel uncomfortable and scared - sometimes I have the urge to just lash out and beat the s**t out of anyone that gets that close to me. D:

Needless to say, I have that feeling almost every time I get on the bus in the morning. No respect for personal space whatsoever.

Nor do people bathe.

*shudder*

Meh.

so yeah, not like anyone wanted to know or anything. I just needed to get that off my chest.