Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

subconscious thoughts bordering on conscious.

another student from my college died earlier this week.

he's the same age as I am.

that it could all end in an instant is still spooky to even think about thinking about.

just imagine that any one of these entries would be my last.... weird.




going away from those random thoughts (then again, aren't they all?), very VERY lazy day today.

dog always wakes me up at 9, and usually i get up with him. but today i just threw him up to the loft with me and we slept until 12:30 in the afternoon. :] then he dozed while I did some prelim work on the compy; once I was actually up, had a bunch of stuff for DF to get done.

got to do a "For Dummies" theme for one of the slides. xD turned out pretty legit, if I do say so myself.

cleaned the kitchen, watched some Big Bang Theory (always makes me giggle), and here we are.



even though it's summer, I still open my four-year plan at least once a week.

keeps me goal-oriented...????

Auggie was impressive when Karen and I visited. I was drawn to it because of its beautiful campus and spacious, advanced buildings.... and for a while, I was fearful of transferring there.

BUT
1. their chapel SUCKED. only like 20 people came. and it wasn't even good.
2. lutheran/catholic.... okay, what? I'm okay with both of them (heck, do you know how many OC concerts we did in lutheran churches?), but for both to be on the same campus??! Somebody get me a history book and tell me that's blasphemous, to one or the other. It shows that they aren't really dedicated to what they say they are....
3. besides the desks which are screwed into the wall in the dorms, they have to rent every single piece of furniture in their dorms. including the mandatory beds.
4. I have everything already figured out. I have a four-year plan, an awesome bunch of friends already, am already trained in on my work-study job, and I'm cool with how things are now. Transferring would also mean figuring out a whole 'nother financial aid package for that school, likely resulting in auditioning for music scholarships again (urrrrrgh).


so, dream on. Life is what you make of it. I've discovered that sitting back moping about what should have been is useless. You have to make the most of what you've been given, bloom where you're planted, pick your own inspirational cliche-but-so-true saying.





weeeeeeeeeird dream that has been evoking the strangest feelings all today. It's like a cocktail of hope, confidence, desperation, resignation, and apathy all in the same shot glass. pretty sure the dream involved a certain piece of eye candy talking to me (at some sort of social gathering at my house?), after he was on the verge of leaving. I surprised even myself in my dream when I called after him, if only to ask him about what I've been meaning to talk to him about in real life. From there, i can't really remember (think it switched dreams?)...

but still. usually I just quietly watch them come and go, without ever opening my mouth for anything. that I did so in this dream boggles me, and gives me confidence that I may yet pluck up the courage to do it in real life.


yep, call me a recluse, call me socially inept, call me what you will. Guys - heck, people in general- confuse me to no end. over the course of this past school year, my view of them is more what it should be (instead of the "i'm terrified of this other, untouchable species walking around the room" idea)...


*shrug* folks, this is why this is a "journal." all those weird thoughts that usually a person bottles away get spewn out here, for all the world to see.

why? I dunno. I think it's like talking to someone, even if no one's there to listen.

like playing piano for someone, even when you're alone.

like thinking and hoping that, as you pour your guts out into any shitty piece of music, they'll listen and appreciate what you've done, even if you never ever find out about it.

always hoping they're listening, yet also very fearful of it.

what if I play something wrong? say something stupid? what if they're able to actually "get" it, unlike so many others?


it's hard to do things 100% for my own enjoyment. I always imagine someone reading this, and wondering where on earth this girl is coming from. Everyone's life situations are different. The fun, for me anyways, lies in being able to see others'.

kind of like a universal application of the golden rule, I guess you'd say.

theory of reciprocity, if you will.