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It's so hard to shake this time, extremely hard, but maybe I had never really escaped it in the first place. Looking back now I can't remember a time in which it wasn't with me, following behind me like some massive shadow. I'd like to say that I can handle it myself but the crushing truth is that I can't. It's not as lethal as it was before Ryan, I no longer have the suicidal thoughts... but.... It's not any better, I actually think it's worse. I've lost so much this year. I've lost every last thing that I ever believed to be true, and my life, what it used to be, is stripped down to some bloody skeleton, a reminder every day that nothing is how it used to be. I no longer have friends is this dreary little down I live in, I'm all alone here. I'm trapped in my home with nothing to do and I think that's the difference now. Before, even when everything was crap, I had people, I had someone with me, I wasn't completely alone. Now all I have is Ryan, and though he's amazing and he's the only reason I'm still living, that I haven't given up to the darkness, he is only one person, one person all the way on the other side of the country. I just wish I was there, with him, because..

.... I know if I'm there I'll have a new life, I can escape from everything and everyone. I can start new, drop the labels, get rid of all the people who hate me for who my parents were and what everyone said they used to be. I want to move to a place where my religion doesn't matter and I have a chance to become something important..... like a wife.. and a mom, eventually..