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Well, Im back on here again after several years and a lot has changed in me and in my life so, I figured I'd post up something in here.

All of my previous journal entries I thought about deleting but, well, Im too lazy to do that razz and perhaps they still hold something useful or valid to someone.
But here in the past two months or so, my older sister passed away, then my dad not even a month after that to cancer. Life is short and brief, and I think God was giving me a wake up call. Telling me I needed to get back closer to him and to grow up a bit. Step up and see what all my dad did for me, what kind of a man he really was and what all he did for me and the family.

It's forced me to make a better man of myself, to re-evaluate myself and my life. My dad always did so much for me, made sure I had everything I always needed, and I never even had to ask for it. I see now I was living in a shell of comfort, a make believe little realm where nothing went wrong and if it did, I never really had to put forth the effort to fix it, because everyone around me was there to make it alright.

But now I am the man of my house, I can actually feel the shift of weight onto my shoulders, but I bear it proudly and hope I can become even half the man my dad was. He was a strong man, who worked hard everyday of his life to make sure his family was okay and well taken care of, a man of God and someone who was full of love and kindness, to strangers and family alike.

Many people can say God doesn't exist or come up with a million reasons why they don't believe in him, but if it wasn't for the strength I've prayed for, I wouldn't have been able to make it past losing my dad and my sister. Death was never in my life, always a distant relative or someone I never knew. I could have said to hell with life, tried finding my answers in the bottom of a bottle or in a pill bottle, or who knows what else. But I am proud to say my faith is as strong as my heart, my mind shaping new and better along side many aspects of myself.

I have said a lot of wrong and done a lot of wrong in my past, I have hurt people and I have hurt myself. True though it may be, I was not the worst of people, but rest assured I am far better off now then I was. Not only that but I will continue to strive for perfection, I know I will never reach it, but what's the harm in trying? I'll try to do better, to do more god for the world, my family, friends, and myself. I can truly look to anyone and say from such tragedy I have reformed and reshaped into a better human. Through the strength and love in the memory of my Dad, my sister, and the blessings of the Lord, I know I'll be okay and I'll help others to be okay.

If anyone has a problem of any magnitude, I invite you to talk with me, be you share my believes or not, it is of no consequence. I will always be truthful and honest in my intentions. I'll do what ever is in my power or capabilities to help.

Life is but a vapor, it appear for a short while, than vanish away. I'll tell anyone they need to get right with themselves and with god, that's truly the only thing that will help. Take it from me, I have no reason to lie to you or deceive you, things are a lot better and you will be surprised how well you can do and how much better things are if you just follow a just and right path. It doesn't matter who you are or what you have done, it's just who you want to be, the future, and taking those first steps to it that matter.

I love you Dad, I love you Brenda, one day I'll be right beside you again and until then I shall not despair and I shall fight the good fight, my feet shall not fail me nor shall my heart give out until I make it to the end of my road. Maybe I'll get to bring a few new friends with me, but if not, I know I'll never be alone.

Captain B.