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Stupid-no-Jutsu : The art of being stupid.

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I don't get it, well maybe I do but it is hiding from me at the moment. I need help, I say it in so many ways without actually flat out proclaiming it to the world, but honestly I need help. I need some sort of guidance, something to ask as a pillow to stop me from hurting myself day in and day out. There is no one out there to tell me that I am doing good, so I only have myself to think that I am horrible. The lack of help may be an indicator that I am in fact turning horrible, its just that no one cares to agree or even tell me otherwise. My friends don't care, but how can they care if they 1) don't talk to me 2) are busy 3) I don't say anything until its too late. But how am I going to try and flag one down and make them listen to me when they have more important things to do? Its the same with my family, they're busy they don't care and if I say something I get yelled at in some way or another. Even here no one says anything. I'm lost no matter where I try to go. I'm supposedly a dripping sack of emo here, but at this moment I guess I should call myself emo. I basically fit the stereotypical bill for emo-ness. I've never felt this kind of emptiness before, not even when I was cheated on and left for dead. I still haven't found anyone to help me get over that, and I doubt I ever will. But what is bothering me at this point is the fact that I'm hopelessly lost. I have nothing to go on but my own internal monologue and that is worse than any critic out there. I'm perpetualating my own demise and I can't stop myself. I've tried so hard to do something, but no matter what I do I fall to pieces again. My problems mean little to the general public, and I am aware of this. The world is not centered around me, nothing is centered around me - not even my world. I have no main focus, I have no anchor, I have nothing. As I said my friends are too busy to help me, and to ask for their help would be selfish. They have their own problems, their own boyfriends, their own happiness and who am I to go and spoil it? I'm NOT. And I won't. But how am I going to get help if I don't ask? I need help, I need guidance. I've stood up on my own for so long trying to make things right when I can't even make decisions. I'm hopeless when it comes to my own life and my own problems. Yeah, I'm losing it. Its probably gone already. Yes, definately gone.

Posted by: ShaIIow Thu May 04, 2006 @ 04:39pm

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duir ancient
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Commented on: Thu May 04, 2006 @ 07:20pm


	Wow. Sounds to me like you have a lot of the same feelings and issues as I do. It's hard to talk about problems with somebody that could care less (oh, i'm busy, don't whine about every little thing, well why didn't you do something about it way back when? etc., etc., etc.). Well, the fact is, there is someone out there that actually cares enough (I know, hard to believe, huh?), and I don't know about them, but it definitely hurts me to see somebody feeling the way I do when I wonder why I'm on the earth. It sucks. Trust me. Let me tell you something. You're not turning horrible like you thought you were, you're just getting more and more desperate for somebody that can spare a moment to try and understand what's going on in your world. And I have to disagree -- turn horrible? You're nothing less than human. Yeah, maybe I sound like, idk, I'm a psych or something. But the only reason I know what you're going through is because I've been there. And you want to know something? I even make often trips back there. I suppose you could say I'm happy -- I've got a gorgeous gf, lots of ppl like me, a lot of girls want to go out with me (by the way, that's a bad thing -- trust me lol). But the fact is, things happen to you and you try not to show that you're affected by them. But you are. And all of that frustration just keeps getting thrown in your closet and ignored, but what happens when the door breaks because the closet's too full? I've got a lot more to say, so I'll see if I can post another comment.

Commented on: Thu May 04, 2006 @ 07:21pm


	The biggest thing for me that turns my pissed-off-ness into depression is what you said at the bottom. I used to live near you, so when you stand by the street you can look at all of the ppl driving by and look into their cars and see their faces. I watch them as they go by, and I wonder, "So what's on that guy's mind? Why is she so happy as she rides past while on her cell? What are these gangsters thinking as they bump their bass and give me a dirty look? And -- most importantly -- does a single one of them care about me?" And that's what makes me feel that way. So I know how you feel. But by calling out for help, you're not spoiling a thing. You need somebody to listen, plain and simple. And if a person can't let another cry on their shoulder without it ruining their day, then what kind of person are they? Not one that matters. My favorite saying -- one that I came up with myself -- is: No matter what, if you've already hit rock bottom and you have nothing else left, there's only one way to go. And that's up. And you can't dig deeper because you don't have a shovel. So tell somebody what's going on. Sharing problems is called dividing sorrow -- dividing it makes it less for each person to deal with, so you don't get buried. I know I don't know you personally, so who am I to talk? But the truth is, I've been there. Repeatedly. So keep your head up. There's always somebody that wants to talk to you. Keep in touch. Check out my journal, if you want to, too.

duir ancient
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Princess Jae The Pirate
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Commented on: Fri May 05, 2006 @ 01:29am


	my body is colder than yours. maybe we should warm them up sometime.

Commented on: Fri May 05, 2006 @ 04:41am


	I find that most people are too damn selfish to listen to other peoples problems and if you tell them your problems then they automaticaly think or say you're a pity seeker. I had a friend basicaly say that he can't stand this negative aura he senses when he's around me and that that is why he didn't invite me to many things. Sure I was hurt, but in the long run his perception of me changed when he found out I would listen when he has a problem and so he started to listen. I also found other friends and it seemed like I was the one to do the inviting at that point, LMAO! But anyway, my point is, you need to find the right person that understands they'll have someone there for them if they are there for you. People gotta give to recieve.

Decreptore
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ShaIIow
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Commented on: Fri May 05, 2006 @ 07:52pm


	@ requiem4sanity: You do have a point there in your personal quote. Sometimes it feels like when you've finally hit rock bottom there is always something that has to give to make that rock bottom collapse. I've been there. When I thought things couldn't get any worse, they did and it stayed that way for a long long time before anything positive would ever show its head. I do admit that good things have happened to me since a year or so ago, but those good things don't even measure up to the continous flow of horrible things that seem to make an apperance in my life on a daily basis. I just want someone to actually listen to me instead of pushing me aside. There has been so much going through my head over the past few weeks, that even I don't understand it all. "Why am I the only person trying to get ahead in life?" "Why does it feel like everyone is having fun while I'm stuck pushing away at paperwork?" "Why in the hell do my friends get good grades when they don't even study while I get medicore ones by spending the time reviewing the material?" Thats only a small portion of how I've been feeling. If I were to go into greater detail certain people that like to call me a pity-seeking b***h would comment - and that wouldn't be good at this point in time. I guess I do have myself to blame mainly for what I have been doing to myself. I haven't been talking to anyone about anything and if I were to, maybe things would be a lot better for me. I know my friends well enough to predict what they'd say to me, and knowing those predictions makes it hard for me to go to them. What they say doesn't help, but it is what they always say to me...so I don't know how to react to it again. Maybe its something I have to do, but in reality it feels like I am been trying to do what they have been telling me all along. I've been told to be patient and good things will come. I have been patient on and off for the longest time and all I seem to reap is disappointment. I've been told to take an active role and go out there and get what I want, and even when I try to do that I get the same disappointment. --- More...

Commented on: Fri May 05, 2006 @ 07:55pm


	Continuation: I know they mean well, and that they want to best for me, but it just seems that its not what I need. I need help, and they try to give it - but it is not what I need. thats where I am at a standstill on what I need to do. I'm tired of going it alone and wishing that someone was there to help me, I need to go out there and get that help. Meh. I don't make sense.

ShaIIow
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ShaIIow
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Commented on: Fri May 05, 2006 @ 07:59pm


	@ Andrea: Yeah, we need to throw them in the oven like Hitler did. That was wrong of me to say, but I couldn't resist. @ Brandon: People are selfish, and I admit that I can be selfish at times as well. I guess its hard for people to get the right impression from someone that actually needs help. They usually precieve it as that person being pissed off. I can say that about myself. However, I try to give whenever I can. No one ever comes to me for advice eventhough I am more than happy to help someone out if they just come to me. Whoo epiphany. Yeah. Total epiphany.

Commented on: Sat May 06, 2006 @ 04:03am


	That's their loss if they don't come to you. The ways in which we suffer vary, but in the end it's all the same; we suffer. I can't say that I truely understand what makes you hurt just as one can never truely understand what makes me hurt. And I figure no matter what it's gonna hurt so I just let it go as best I can and drift through life trying to make the best of it while I wait until my time here is up. It's like almost all emotion has been torn from my body and all that remains is an empty soul. I don't think that anybody's problems ever truely go away, but I do think that people find ways to cope with them and it helps them feel better. Some way, some how, I hope you can start feeling better Tina.

Decreptore
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ShaIIow
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Commented on: Sat May 06, 2006 @ 07:02am


	I doubt that I can start feeling better, its a vicious cycle that continues no matter how hard I try to break free from it. I learned tonight that there are reasons beyond my control that keep me from any sort of happiness. I have the strenght to go out there and get it, but I can't bring myself to yet another letdown.

Commented on: Sat May 06, 2006 @ 08:07am


	Well, I haven't checked this entry recently, and it looks like a lot more ppl responded than I would've thought. Btw, if you think things can't get any worse, and yet they do, do a reality check. Were you really as deep in it as you could've been? Can things get any worse from here? If so, is there anything I can do about it to change it? Now if there's no way to prevent things from getting worse, you are indeed at rock bottom. But never ever give up hope unless you've taken a really good, long, hard look at your surroundings and determined that things are hopeless. Another thing? Ask a friend. A real friend. This is how you can tell a truly quality person apart: Somebody that is about something important in their life (or any life, for that matter) goes into any relationship not looking for what the relationship can do for them, but for what they can offer the other person. And don't blame yourself. Period. Oh, sure, you can look back and say, Hmm, well, I brought such-and-so on myself. But if you keep looking back and saying Omg it's all my fault, then that means you're wasting your time mourning your mistakes rather than trying to find a way to get out of your own mess. I'm not trying to say that you're not trying hard enough to get out of your mental darkness. I'm just trying to say that no matter what, you must nurture hope by keeping a level head. --To be continued--

duir ancient
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duir ancient
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Commented on: Sat May 06, 2006 @ 08:09am


	--Conclusion-- Because if you lose hope, then you lose a meaning to your life. And trust me, when you're that deep in darkness, you need as many meanings for your own life as you can find. Grr, I'm tired. Maybe I'm just completely off my rocker saying stuff like this. But all I know is, many ppl lose sight of their priorities, and they don't pay attention to somebody that needs help. But all the same, there is at least one person out there that's willing to listen. Someone that means something. Someone that seeks out others just to offer them whatever help is needed. So keep your eyes open. Don't blink, or you might miss 'em. -Patch

Commented on: Tue May 09, 2006 @ 04:05am


	requiem4sanity: Someone once said to me that hope is meaningless, that you must feel the spirit ( in a religious way) to have hope. But if you don't already have some amount of hope, then how could you hope to feel the spirit. Damn I hate stupid people like that! Life is meaningless if you have no hope and if you have to rely on something else for hope, then how can you hope to have hope!? So point being, I agree with you requiem. Tina: there are reasons beyond my control that keep my body feeling like the purest of all CRAP, and so it's gets to me and keeps me from happiness too. So I think I know how you feel about things being beyond your control. Just remember that your friends online (the good ones) are listening at least.

Decreptore
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