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it's 1 am and it's cold and storming.

in a few days, it'll have been six months since that big fight we had that ruined everything.

can you believe it's been six months?

time goes so fast.

i remember when we used to skype

you'd call me beautiful and i wouldn't believe it but i loved hearing you say it

i'd try to make you laugh just to see that gorgeous smile and the way your eyes lit up when you laughed

now, whenever it says you're online on skype, i never try to talk to you but i always get this sneaking suspicion that maybe, just maybe, you're talking to some other girl and calling her beautiful.

maybe she's different, though. maybe she's used to hearing that, and so she doesn't cry happy tears at three in the morning, and maybe she doesn't cry happy tears when you tell her you love her, because she's used to hearing it.

i'm not judging, though. darling, it is the most cliche statement in the entire world, but all i want is for you to be happy. if you're happy with me, that's great. if you're happy with someone else, great. if you're happy with 100 someone elses, that's great too.

i've heard that they say you never forget your first love. there was someone i knew who i thought was my first love, but he's nothing compared to you.

why?

because we haven't spoken in four months, not a proper conversation since you told me happy birthday and told me i was beautiful (one last time, i guess), but i'm sitting here at 1 am writing this instead of working, and getting emotional because i miss you.

meanwhile, i haven't spoken to the other guy in over two years, and i don't miss him a single bit.

darling, i think i'm just not good at keeping people around.

did you know i haven't kept a friend for more than three and a half consecutive years?

they've all stopped talking to me, or they've moved away. you can't say 'oh, but i knew you in 2008, so i'm the exception to the rule'. it's not consecutive. consecutively, it was six months for us.

the longest, the three and a half consecutive years, was the guy i haven't spoken to in two years.

i don't even know what i'm trying to say, or why i'm putting this here.

maybe my subconscious thinks you'll read it and everything will be okay, but i know everything won't be okay. nothing was ever okay. i just miss you being there because at least i could pretend everything was okay. you were the best illusion.

high-quality novocain, maybe.

is it bad that i saved almost all of your messages from our conversations? my savebox (on gaia) is almost full.

maybe i knew it wasn't going to last.

what's sad is that i'm too scared to try and talk to you. even just as friends. i'm pathetic. always have been, always will be

but you were absolutely ******** perfect.

i still love you.

(i'd call you that name you like so much but it's our little secret.)

x