Politeness Can't Last Forever
~~Before I start I'm well aware that what you are about to read is going to sound disjointed and lacks a steady flow when reading. This is how I write rough drafts. They are choppy and don't flow well. I typed this in a rush with the soul desire of getting my words on paper. For that I'm sorry that this might not be the cleanest reading experience.
I found myself in a strange place where I feel I've drained all the politeness out of a friend of mine.
He has begun pointing out my flaws that I have acknowledged in the past. He's treating them like they are second nature and old news. While this is true it is painful to be reminded of the things that I know are wrong with me and are self conscious about.
A simple question turned into a passive aggressive attack that I myself caused. I know I make myself sound like the victim, but in reality this situation is deserved. I feel that I should give context but I'm not sure how conformable I am talking about it. Let's just say that while my friend is a jerk for saying what he said, it doesn't mean that what he said isn't true.
I beat myself up more then I thought I did. I always fashioned myself that I was stronger then everyone else and I was admired for it. I'm well aware how egotistical that sounds, but that ego is what held me up for so long. I was able to stand alone for six years with no friends to speak of because I believed I was strong enough to the lone wolf of a hero.
After many years alone I accepted my potential fate as "forever alone" I was ready to go into high school with no friends. Soon after starting high school I reconnected with antiquates I had made in middle school and friendships were born. Because of those friendships I was able to see that having people to talk to wasn't such a bad thing. Many of those friends have come and went and now I only have a small group of people who I would call friends. All of those people are dear to me and I don't want to see them go. As I sit here writing this I'm painfully aware that I might be pushing people away. My abrasive personality with my self absorbed tendencies when it comes to money, aren't appealing character traits.
Really...That's all I want to say on this. I know it doesn't seem like much but my feelings have been put on the table. Hopefully all of this will just put all of my issues into prescriptive and I'll be able to move past it. At the end of this I hope that I'll end up a better person.
- Leara
