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i need to break something... i definately need to break something.... it would be soooo theraputic if i could just take a mallet to my mold or something equally large and breakable.....

i can't really determine whether i'm extremelydepressed or absolutely furious. i can't say in good conscience that i am upset at anyone but myself though. Mr. Henderson speaks true and i must accept that as reality..... that's doesn't mean that it doesn't suck major ******** amounts of ******** a**, but i just need to deal with it. however, as i might normally do calming breathing excercises or meditation i have no time for the large amounts of either that i would need to be calm and cool. i need to just get it pumped....s**t Mr. Henderson's probably leaving and i still have questions... damnit, i need to write things down more ******** often... every ******** time i talk to him i feel like a ******** idiot because i just stand there and can't remember what i was saying. ********. s**t. damn. however theraputic it may be to shout those at the top of your lungs, it just doesn't really have the same effect when you type it....

and why the ******** can't i find a cute girlfriend who isn't ******** psycho or obsessive? jesus.... ********.... whatever.....
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s**t. i knew i should've written it down down somewhere... i go upstairs to ask him and i forgot the question in the elevator. damnit... he was there too....

well, i'm a little more calmed down now and one of the girls at another computer smells really nice (it's very permeating... i don't even know who it is, she might be sitting across the room even, but it's a nice smell) and that's helping a little as well, so i might as well explain what happened.

so, let's start off with some background information:

- i'm in special effects at school
- i currently have a class called "Props" where we make, you guessed it, props for movies an' junk...
- the instructor is a guy i really respect and look up to and who really freakin' makes me nervous sometimes when i talk to him, 'specially when i think my questions' stupid or i forget what it is i wanted to ask.
- in this class there are two assignments (plus extra cred.) which are chosen by the student, but need to follow loose parrameters.
- my first prop was pretty awful. it gave me tons of trouble and it didn't turn out very good.
- for my second i was going to do a dagger, but i couldn't figure out the logistics of it (materials, processes to use, etc.) so i had to find something else to do.
- our finals are next week and i have this class on monday.
- i chose to do a 'tonberry' puppet (a creature from several ff games) and spent somewhere around 10 to 15 hours working on it. i shall explain it from here

the first thing i needed to do was to make an armiture (like a skeleton) to build off of using clay. the i used a dow rod (a thin, cylindrical pole) stuck into a large square piece of pine and carved a piece of foam to put on the top for bulk. then, i started to add clay. the clay weighed down the foam sufficiently enough to push the dow rod straight through the foam and up through the top of the clay. (that's a bad thing) i spent something like two or three hours working on it to try to make it stable and workable, but i did it and brought it home to work on over the weekend. on Saturday i spent somewhere between four and five hours sculpting the tonberry head into a shape that was just about a foot or so from chin to the crest of the head and around 3/4' in diameter. i spent another five hours or more creating an ultra-cal (something like cement or plaster) mold of the front half of the sculpture. the back half i did yesterday after the class and all in all, i was very happy with it when i opened it up and i was extremely hopefull that it would go smoothly and not screw up somehow. the keys (part of the mold that alligns the pieces) were perfect, the pry points were well done, the walls of the mold were the right thickness, and everything seemed to be goin' alright except for a few holes from air bubbles in the ultracal which i believed i could easily fix with a sculptable adhesive. (now, at this point i need to point out that A. the two halves weigh about ten pounds a piece B. the sculpture itself (plus the wood and armiture) weighed over ten pounds and C. my car is parked around 3/4 - 1 mile away from the school.) i brought the mold home with me last night for safe-keeping and to show off to my family (as i was pleased with it) and carried it back across the bridge this morning. i showed it to Mr. Henderson who pointed out very quickly that the inside layer of the mold, which holds the general shape and all the texture of the sculpture after it's taken out, was over ten times thinner than it should be... a fact that until now i was completely unaware. this, in addition to a few other things that he pointed out, means that i need to start an entirely new one from the beginning. granted i might be able to improve on it and maybe make it smaller so it could be lighter on my ********' already ******** up back, but i have four other classes that i am trying to finish work for and this is just another knife in the side. that reminds me, why the ******** am i wasting time writing this when i have so much ********' work to do? chances are extremely likely that noone, including myself, is ever going to read this again and if i see it in the future, it'll just make me upset again. ********!