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Oy, these past few days have been hard. I have almost nothing to do and can't seem to clear my head anymore. Either that or my head is too clear to even function.

I suppose Fanime left me wanting more. I actually find this rather sad, because this could mean that my life thus far has been unbearably dull and I've been too stupid to notice.

And yet...at the same time, I suppose this is just another nice eye-opener for me. I need to keep myself moving more is all. I know that I wouldn't feel so blank if I went and cleaned out my room or took a quick swim outside or maybe hook up the DDR in the garage and work on losing a few pounds again (I really hate the flab that's been developing everywhere x.x). Everyone says I'm thin, but I know that I'm not for my height. I know that I need to work out more again to keep myself trim, I just don't find the fun in it anymore, sadly. But I can't let all of that go to waste, I mean, I must have suffered some...several years of my life in grade school as the ugly, fat girl. I grew so accustomed to being unnoticeable that it's lead me into a few horrible situations where I now have stalkers and can't stand being uncomfortable around most guys in general. I used to have guys as best friends in grade school when I was unnoticeable.

So here is a thought as to why I can't seem to get myself to exercise. Do I want to feel comfortable around guys again so badly, that I'm willing to let mysel fall back into obesity? Is that how bad it is? Am I making myself unnattractive because I hate feeling like I'm being hunted?

*sigh* but I know I don't want that, it must be something else as well. Stupid subconscious always ******** with me...

It's true, though. After Fanime, I have felt so incredibly empty and lacking. I just...NEED to find something within reach that I can use to help me get over it. Not only that, but I shouldn't become dependant on going to things like Fanime. I need to focus on what's supposed to be happening. Fanime was a lovely distraction and all, but I really should get back to working on my future.

Uhg, why does focusing on the future have to suck so much? I recall that this used to be a much more enjoyable process for the generations before us.

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THIS JUST IN

Seriously, I just found out about a car accident not far from where I live.

Unfortunately, it seems to have taken the life of a Senior in my high school who was only 3 days away from graduation.

Sadly, something to this nature happens each year and during my senior year, there had been a rediculous amount. Not only that but the very last memorable death of that year was that of someone who certainly deserved what they got.

I knew him from grade school. It bothers most people to hear me and other I know to say he was an a*****e. AND, he killed himself because he was stupid. He went to a party and took some drugs as well as a lot of drinks. One of his friends was actually smart enough to drive him home, but he eventually decided that he wanted to go back to the party. He crashed.

His death seemed to turn him into a saint. Everyone suddenly needed to leave class to consult with grievance counsellors and many had gone as far as to make cr stickers for him and left flowers at his locker. He had the most attention out of all the deaths even though he wasn't a senior and was a complete jerk.

I am incapable of feeling sorrow for people like him. Instead, I could only imagine what those around him were going through. His girlfriend, whose mother told her to stop driving him everywhere that night, had given in to her mother's suggestion that night. And god only knows what his parents must have gone through.

I suppose I'm saying this because I believe that the people who should be getting such popular grieving never do.

++The kid who died today, Ryan Newman, I know was at best, a decent guy. I never knew him personally, but I had met him a few times before I graduated. The Newmans come to my workplace and I have yet to ever catch wind of bad things from him. Sadly, someone else was in his car as well, and, by the sounds of things, he made a small misjudgment at an intersection, causing him to get pushed into an oncoming car. They never released the name of the 15-year-old in the car with him, but we suspect it was his younger brother Brett.

For the people in the oncoming car, the passenger died, a 63-year-old woman who died in the hospital from the accident and her husband with moderate injuries is likely to still be there.

These people certainly deserve a little grievance, whether I can empathise or not. The old couple were customers at my workplace as well and nearly all of our customers (with a select few) are very sweet and gentle people.

*sigh* since I never knew any of them personally, I have difficulty grieving, but I've always believed that those who know them should be the ones who grieve at the least. It really isn't my job to be crying for every life that has expired. I just believe these guys deserve a little something. I'm sure the school will help with that anyway since he was one of the more popular ones, but since I knew them at least a little, and he was robbed of graduating, I can empathise at least a bit. Honestly, being prevented from graduation only three days away, I would certainly be pissed off at the fates.

And guess what? Within a few days, I won't even remember/care. That's also why I'm saying something now, it only seems polite, I'm not trying to be rude.
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After that, I believe that I don't really have anything else to say other than the fact that, once again, focusing on the future truely does suck due to the fact that you could die tomorrow and all of that hard work would have gone to nothing and the simple reality that we all know is going to be harsh, cruel and unforgiving. Suicides really do make sense when you think about what the darker thoughts of the mind are at these points in time.

Or at least the Teen suicides do.

~Souz-out