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I doubt anyone is gonna read my journals, and I don't even know if there's a way for people to even see my journal? Is there a link or something somewhere? There's probably a profile option for it, but I don't want to add it. I've put up a message and apology on my profile page, so hopefully people will see that.

I feel bad. Bad for leaving, bad for loitering around and tipping people, bad for giving such horrible, bad clues because I felt bad for not sharing what was in the box and of course I had no idea if the person I sent it to was going to do anything with it, but then again when I did it, I wasn't exactly in the frame of mind to care. No matter what, I guess people are going to get butt hurt, people are going to get upset. I shouldn't have been dragged into this mess in the first place, but then again, I allowed myself to get roped into it, and even so, the way I handled it, though I thought I was trying to be fair and trying to be, well, oh man, I don't even know, I was wanting to get others in on it cause it isn't fair that 3 users just got dragged into some interactive whatever this is that oldies and zurgs and 2006 bad mojo whatever history repeating itself, I don't even know.

The last thread I made I thought I was going to have the community have a say in what gets done with the package an NPC sent me. Put up a poll a few posts in thinking that would be a quick way to get an idea of what everyone wanted the freelance reporter to do. That's when everything went downhill. Apparently users didn't like that and wanted me to open it already. I wanted to wait, at least another day so others who weren't on at that time of night could have a chance to vote. Honestly, my thinking, if I just left it to me, I was going to try and contact a mod or admin and see if they could remove the soulbound status of the package so I could send it without opening it like the message told me to do. Maybe I should have done that and instead of making a new thread, posted in some other thread about it.

Actually, maybe that Muso thread was where it really went wrong. I got a little impatient after all. I probably should have taken a longer break, but how was I supposed to know that an NPC was going to send me a gift? I probably never should have made that first news thread in GCD. I've got no business in that forum whatsoever anyway. Barton Town and Friends Chat are the only forums I should ever post in. Problems always happen when I go beyond those two forums. At least, that's what it feels like to me.

I've really ruined my reputation, not that I should care at all, yet I do, cause I don't like hurting or upsetting people. Maybe its the self-scapegoating I've developed growing up, when I got blamed for stuff I didn't do, so now I blame myself for everything, my fault or not. It's raining? I'm sorry, like it's my fault it rained. And that way of thinking is too woe is me pity me and I don't like that at all. I don't want no one's pity. I don't want people feeling sorry for, I'm sorry, but I can feel sorry for myself for the rest of the world and then some, so I don't need a pity party, I can throw my own, in my bed, on my pillow, with my Purrtender in my arms. Maybe I was due for a good cry, cause I keep my tears bottled up inside since I was always yelled at for crying as a child and thus I've hated crying when others might see. Like a cat, I try to hide my pain.

And now I'm rambling. College education does not prevent anyone from being an idiot. I am sorry though. Looking back at what I should have done, could have done, it changes nothing. Best I can hope is that I learn something from this, something good, and apply it or something. At least never do this again, not be tempted to interact. Not with users outside my close circle of friends I've known for awhile, and not with users outside the friends chat threads I hang out in, that I had been avoiding during this time since it's kind of slow this time of year and also because for some silly reason, I thought they might get sucked into this quagmire I got sucked into. It was only cause I posted in that forum about those NPCs that I got into this mess, that I was singled out with two others for some unknown purpose.

Sorry staff, I disappointed you, I disappointed my fellow users.

Is there a character limit on journals? I don't know, shutting up now. I should go to bed. Writing a bit has helped me calm down some. I'll feel better in the morning, and the longer I can stay away from Gaia, especially in my thoughts, the better I'll be. Dwelling on it isn't good for anyone, and I really need to get better about not dwelling on all of my mistakes.

The end.