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Raymond and I broke up. We even shook on it. So as of December 24th we are no longer together, and no longer friends. He went off to work, and knows to expect most of his belongings already packed when he returns. I don't know whats going to happen now. I still care, somewhere in my heart, I know it. But he's shown me over the past few days that he doesn't really give a damn. He might say he loves me, but does he really mean it? Or even act upon it. You can say you love someone, but that doesn't make it so. Anyone can make "I love you" sound so real that the person recieveing it believes in it. I guess Raymond kept saying I love you and forgot to show it.

I tried my best to make him happy. I only made myself look worse, and he didn't even appreciate anything that I did. That made me feel useless. And perhaps I am useless. I wanted to be there for him, but he didn't want me there. He wanted everyone else, but me.

I don't want anyone hating him for this, since its both of us that agreed on this. He with more tears than myself...I hid them. Now I can't stop them. This feels so real that I honestly want to put myself out of my misery. So I'm getting ready to go somewhere...maybe. I don't want anyone to come after me if I do. Please for the love of God I want to be alone. I don't want anyone to worry about me, I'll be fine. Besides, if you see me, I wouldn't be able to explain anything.

All I want is for things to be right again. But Raymond doesn't want it, he proved that to me last night. I guess after almost three years of being together the flame has died. Maybe its for the better...maybe not.

And like I said before, please don't come after me. I really want to be alone. =/

Edit: I think I'll just stay inside...its too cold to be out there, for now.

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