There is an enormous dread and melancholy that comes with not being able to express who you are on the inside as a goth and in general. This can be the case due to many reasons. Being not well off financially is a big one and the other is due to living in controlling environments. There can also be a more psychological reason that is because we don't feel good enough for it. Regardless of which ever reason though, it's always a terrible feeling and no one should ever have to live like this.
I've experienced all three of those reasons. I grew up in an abusive, toxic, controlling household and then moved out to another similar one when I was old enough to make my own decisions and knew what I wanted. Once I got out of all that and was more so on my own, I wasn't able to afford anything due to living on only a disability income which is the issue I'm still facing today.
I also have the third issue, the psychological one where I don't feel adequate enough. Even if I had the funds, I'm not sure I'd feel up to doing some of the desired looks with makeup and hair because I am not happy with my appearance. I don't feel 'pretty enough' and have a lot of past emotional trauma scars relating to that so it makes it hard when trying to get into certain things.
Regardless of any of those reasons, it's always a struggle and is incredibly draining and depressing. I long to express myself the way I want, look the way I want to and live the way I want to live. Thing is, this world is s**t and most of us struggle to even make rent. Related entry.
Aside from goth, there's a lot more I wish I could express myself with but simply cannot due to other ******** circumstances. I unfortunately live with a ton of suppression, more than just that of being goth and not being able to get into it as much as I'd like.
Some might think it's not a big deal but it really is. I'm not as suppressed as I use to be like back when I lived in controlling environments which were much, much worse. [x] [x] Not being able to express one's self and living a controlled life is no way to live and is not healthy. We should all get to be ourselves and live true to ourselves. It's just not the way it is in a ******** world though.
What can we do about it and how do we cope?
This. Being on here helps me cope to a degree. Having online and virtual spaces where we can be ourselves and connect with like minded individuals is a huge one that helps. This little goth community I've created here has done a lot of good for my mental health by allowing me to express myself and connect with other goth and alternative people. It's one of the best things we can do for ourselves, connect with those that get it.
Gaia also has its avatar aspect where we can do as we wish with our little virtual selves. It's one of the main reasons I've always been so drawn to Gaia. I can express myself with the avatars more than I can in real life. It's just a small little thing made of cute little pixels but it's a creative and expressive outlet nonetheless which is always good and helpful.
When we can't do things in person, we can join or create virtual spaces where we can and it can be life changing. I know it might sound silly but it really does help out those like myself who are unable to afford and do things otherwise. I wouldn't be here today if it wasn't for being able to do all this online. My community and spaces mean the world to me and help keep me going. It's also why I like to have such welcoming and safe spaces for others to join as well. I know too well the struggle of suppression and I will do whatever I can to help others in similar situations.
If you are struggling with this, know you're never alone and there will always be healthy and creative outlets for you like this. Even writing this is helping me feel better to a degree. How you are allowed to express yourself does not define who you are. How you feel, what you like, what you believe in, and what you desire is what defines who you are. If you're reading this, you are more than likely goth or alternative and know of these struggles. We know who we are on the inside and it will never be anyone's place to tell us otherwise. As goths, we will always stand up for what we believe in, even if it's just by being ourselves even while suppressed.
I truly hope that we all get to live like we've always wanted and deserve some day. This world is absolute s**t and until it's ********, all we can do is sit tight and take care of ourselves and each other as best we can and hope we see the day where things can get better. In most cases, we can take small steps to improve things in our own situations. It's a slow process but there's always room for things to get better, even if it's just one small step at a time.
