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So yeah, back down low.


I feel like someone took a blender to my heart, but at the same time I empathize with the person, and the blender, no anger is felt, is that right? I feel like there should be more emotion here, but there isn't, because I know the whole thing was a mistake to begin with, what a glorious and happy mistake it was though. Today, for roughly half of an hour, I felt happier than ever, something I'd been waiting two years for happened, I asked this girl I've loved to the core for two years out to homecoming. I'd expected a no, she's got this internet relationship with this guy who I think to be an asswhole, but I don't really know him, so I can't pass judgement, but I do.

It's because of that judgement I asked her out, I shouldn't have, I know it, she loves him, not me, stupid stuipid stupid me. I talk to her that half hour later and my fears are confirmed. I can't say I didn't feel anything right then, there was a plethora of emotion, and now it's mostly numbness.

I really really really don't want her to read this, but she will, I know she will, a part of me really really wants her to read it too though. I'm a much more forgiving guy than most, and I don't generally like making people feel like s**t, so I didn't say anything when we talked, and she was crying, which I haven't done yet, surprisingly. I would've guessed I would at least shed a tear over this, but I guess it seems like it didn't really happen, it was mercifully short.

All I can hope for is that some day, hopefully not far from now, I'll be able to have that person that I love in my arms like I did today, that was what was greatest, simply being close to her... I don't get that alot. I know though that can't happen unless something I wouldn't wish upon her did happen, I don't want her to lose someone she loves, that would make me worse than bad, I'd be evil for wishing that upon someone I love.

I suppose that's what it comes down to though, love, I love her, so I can't blame myself for asking, and I love her, so I can't be mad at her for calling it off, it's just the wrong time for all of this. I know there is a spark, and someday hopefully I can build a fire from it, until then I'll more than likely be cold, and that just sucks the big one. I even said I'll still go to homecoming, but just as friends, I don't really want to do that, but I still might, you see, I'd been set on only going if I had a date, specifically, if she was my date, that's what I had been planning on last year too, year before that too, it seems like I've been planning an awful lot, but I never act on those feelings.... I feel like I can't seem to act on any of my ideas in time.

Worst part is, we have liked eachother, and before she was involved elsewhere, infact all the way back those two years ago in art class we did, and we were both to chicken s**t to say anything.... Lifes a ******** b***h, you know that, life takes the fun out of living, life takes love from love. I still love living, mind you, it's just the way it turns out some times makes me want to heave my lungs out, I'm in a bad way right now, and I shouldn't be, this whole thing was my own ******** fault, and now she's crying, because of me, all my fault, ********. Sometimes, I hate living, it's hard as s**t to get what you want, even harder to get what you need. You know what I've needed these past two years? Someone whom I could openly love, and someone who could reciprocate, I had that person for fifteen minutes today, I nearly had what I had wanted all this time, what I'd needed, it was right there... right there, I don't know what that should feel like, it's like I reached for a ledge of a cliff but missed, now I'm falling. I said I felt shaken to a friend earlier, that's about the best way to put it, it's like I just had my feet swept out from under me, and it's my fault for falling in love with A: My best friend, and B: Someone in love allready, and its killing me on the inside. God why do I love my best friend as more than a friend, the two conflict you see, but at the same time not really, we know each other so well it would work great. Moreover, why does she have to be involved, I could've dealt with the last problem easily, not this one, nope, that just about puts the E-brake on, ********, it's no ones fault, love can't be helped, I should know.

I'm alone, I don't want to be, I live a mile away from love that can't be just yet...

Sorry again for those reading another installation of my ongoing Emo-Novellete, it's how I feel right now though, fresh off the press.

God, if ever I needed it more, now is the time to make me feel loved, I know I am, but I just don't feel it, I think the devil must've created the emotion of unwantedness, it really sucks, and goes against what you know. You know what I feel like, I feel like I want to finally go sit down and just absorb this, I've been doing far to much to keep myself busy these past couple hours, who knows, maybe I'll even shed that tear, I want to, I really think I need to, it weighs heavy on my heart.


I love you Jess,
Matt