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Sometimes life goes by too fast.... |
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What can I tell you? So many things have happened these past few years that I could write a novel. Heck, why not? (switches majors again)
I have been through so much, deciding what I want to do with my life, deciding where my relationships are headed, deciding what to do with my time, who to listen to, who’s advice to take. Decisions, decisions…but I am not afraid to make the wrong one. Live and learn, I tell my self.
Let me start with what breaks my heart the most; my mom was diagnosed with cancer two years ago. I was devastated, it was the worse feeling in the world when the doctor came out and told me that my mom had cancer. I couldn’t even cry. I couldn’t even think. This isn’t real, I told myself, It can’t be...
At the time I was doing terrible in school. The semester before I had dropped all but one of my classes, Spanish. The easiest one. I was no longer receiving financial aid and had to scrape my saving and ask my mom for money. My mom at the time was deathly ill. She spent weeks in the hospital and when she was released to come home all she could do was lay in bed and occasionally she would get up to vomit.
I cried and cried.
I was so ashamed to ask my mom for money, but I knew that if I didn’t go back to school, I might not ever go back….I was already doing so bad that it would have been easy for me to quit.. She lend me the money to go, of course she would she’s my mom, but I got an earful from my aunt who was living with us at the time to care for my mom. I cried even harder. I was so disappointed in myself. I thought I was better; but every time I looked in the mirror I was looking at a statistic. I was that one girl that messed up. I was that one girl that wasn’t going to go anywhere, or do anything with her life. And no I wasn’t being too hard on myself, I made some very stupid mistakes.
My mom got better and better, she never did lose any of her hair, but she did loose a lot of weight.
Let me tell you, My mom is my hero. If anyone deserves everything in the world it’s her. I feel sad for not ever seeing how much she scarified and still continues to sacrifice for us everyday. She was out of work for 6 months. After six months she went right back to work and back to school. I don’t know how she does it but she does. I don’t’ know how she finds the energy but it’s there.. I look at myself and I am complaining that I am tired and have a full load, but I look at what my mom does and what I do is nothing. I want to be like her. I want to be able to go to work, go to school and still be able to do half as much as what she can do. To this day she is doing ok. She does have a lot of illness that continues to sadden me….but what can I do?
She has diabetes, she has high blood pressure, glaucoma, osteoporosis….it’s too much.
I wish I could take it all away from her because she doesn’t deserve it. To me my mom is an angel and I want to be able to give her the best. But I can’t and am heart broken because of it. I have paid her back every penny she lend me for school and I give her money when I can to help her with her bills. But I want to do more. I just can’t. I can’t.
The best thing I can do is finish school. Get my BA and get motivated to go back for my MA. I want to do it. I will.
Since then I have been doing great in school. I even picked up my GPA to a 3.2. I haven’t dropped any classes and I have gotten my AA from SAC. Currently I am at UTSA hoping to step it up a notch and get done with school. I am currently taking 15 hours and I have quite a bit of work to do. Somehow I still find the time to slack off…but I think it’s good for my brain…..it needs a break sometimes.
To be continuied....
 catzilerella · Tue Oct 03, 2006 @ 09:06pm · 2 Comments |
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