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So first journal entry. Funky. I'm not sure how long this will last, but considering how much time I spend on Gaia, it might work.

My life... is great. I mean considering. I'm not impoverished, living on the street. I have money, a job, average marks, great friends....

I just feel so laden down sometimes. Our peers, elders all tell us we need to go continously to get anywhere. Go, go, go. Basketball, school, learning a new language, babysitting, volunteering, family life, social life (pretty much non existent) everything. And through all of this we're not supposed to show our feelings. Our emotions, we're just always happy, we're the 'youngsters of the generation' we have boundless energy, new ideas, we're going to help make the world a better place.... Right? But... I know I can't do this for much longer.

I'm not saying I fake happiness. I'm naturally a very hyper, smiley person. A good person, I guess. I try not to fake anything. But nobody can go through life without lying. Lying about events, emotion, personality...confidence.

Most people think I'm extremely confident. I am. For the most part, I'm comfortable with myself, my appperence. I just wish people didn't percive me according to what they see or hear. I know alot of people are scared of me or think me a b***h. But thats because I'm not going to left anybody push me around. If you don'y like the way I look too bad for you. Though...it does get to you sometimes. You wonder how many people might be a friend to you had you not said this to that person.

I guess the bottom line here is that I'm confused. I don't know what to do here. What to choose over what. Stress is getting under my skin and....my greatest fear sometimes is that someone will see it. I hate having anyone worry over me. So...Me not talking, me being slightly depressed freaks my parents out. I was told from a young age that showing your emotions in public is a weakness. Because of this...I can't even remember the last time I cried infront of anyone...I screamed at someone out of pure anger. Now its all inside. I've become a strong person because of this.

A lot goes on or has gone on with me that makes me hate people who complain about things when they don't even know how well they have it. I supposee thats sort of being hypocritic of me. But still....

I don't know where I'm going with this. Sometimes I just wish people would back off. I wish I could back off. Just say, sorry, I have other things to do. But I don't like letting people down. These past weeks I've let so many people down and I hate it.

Its weird, really, how many 'I's I used there. Here. I'm not used to that. I do feel better though...I, I, I, I....is it so horrible to worry about myself?

Music is my soul.
I'm tired. Leave me alone, I'm lonely.
Its hypocritical of you, do as you say not as you do.- P!nk