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I've been sick for quite a while now, since Saturday morning. Today I couldn't seem to catch a break since everyone in our group at school has been loud obnoxious and extremely annoying. And of course once again Megan and Jules keep ignoring me completely when they are around each other. Part of me sometimes wants to just scream, cry or even just yell to get any attention from my best friend but she's too absorbed in her girlfriend that she doesn't notice that I've been constantly depressed for more than a week. Before she would have seen through the little white lies but now she doesn't press anything. It's all the same to her as long as her and Jules are still fine. And we've talked about it before but now it's like we've never has the talk. I'm not asking for much, of that I'm sure. I'm just asking for a fragment of our friendship but I feel as if I'm being denied that completely now. And now I'm crying. Can my life be anymore screwed up than this? Though it's nothing new it still hurts and I'm still not sure why I don't just get up and go sit somewhere else. I guess it's because I don't want to hurt her. She's my best friend.

Though enough sad stuff for now. Lets talk about my first day of work in my new position. As I had stated earlier I haven't been feeling very well and I've had a headache all day. No matter what I can't seem to eat anything solid really without feeling sick afterwards so I went to work after eating(or rather drinking) some chicken broth so that way I wouldn't pass out from not eating anything. Unluckily my headache never went away so I was stuck with a pounding head all day while doing my training. Garrett was nice enough to help me with some of my training away from the computer and Sherry helped me with the stuff Garrett was teaching me wrong. Overall it was a nice first day.

Okay I'm sorry guys but I have another note on the whole Meg thing since I was trying to stray from that topic before. I sometimes just want to smack some sense into her(still haven't figured out if it's literally yet) but my god! I'm not one against people being gay but you need to come up for air sometime. I swear I love her like a friend but she drives me insane sometimes. It's this whole thing where she completely ignores me like I don't exists that makes me think maybe we weren't as good of friends as I had thought. I mean, I don't even know how much more of this I can take before snapping. With my parents treating me like an after thought for the last year I'm not sure where I stand in any sort of relationship. My parents keep telling me when I'm around that we don't have the money to be going out and yet after I get home from work there's taco bell wrappers everywhere but did they get anything for me or save me even a single taco? Nope. Only trash. I'm just sick of it. And things in my love life aren't any better. Geoff hasn't been very playful at all recently. And I just miss having fun and joking with him. But now he's all serious and just I dunno.

I just feel so left alone and ignored that I'm not sure where I stand anymore. No one made a big deal out of my birthday. I mean sure it was nice to go to Disneyland for it but I would have rather gone out and had a family outing to a restaurant and had some presents instead. That way I wouldn't feel so on the outside. I don't feel 18, I just feel empty. I feel alone, ignored and empty. Like I'll never be happy. And it just hurts that I feel that way since I have so much to be excited for. I just turned 18, it's my senior year, I should feel on top of the world, not like someone just died inside of me. I can't even talk to anyone cause I'll only end up hurting them. I don't want to hurt them even though it feels like a large part of me is slowly dying. I just want to feel special, loved and not ignored. I just want someone to pretend they care even if it's only for a little bit.

I just want that little white lie so that way I wont feel so alone.

In Geoff's defense though he's the only one who I can pretty much talk to without him getting upset or mad. He just listens and trys to help as much as he can. I must thank him for that. Cause no matter how depressed I've been with Megan and Jules he lets me know that things well turn out okay in the end.