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02.08.05 why do I even bother? <center>Mood: depressed</center> Ok, first of all: WHY HAVE I BEEN SO DEPRESSED LATELY?!?! I mean, God...all I ever am is mad, upset, depressed, and so on...WHAT HAPPENED TO HAPPY??? I've been acting as if I'm happy for the last week...well, actually a LOT longer...but I haven't been feeling this crappy since about last week...WHY?! I'm not on my period....my period isn't due for a while....nobody's been getting on my nerves except for my parent...but they've been on my last nerve for the past 13 years, so they shouldn't be a problem...ugh! I'm so fed up with myself! My mom and dad kept ranting on and on because I didn't wake up until 12:00...and I totally missed Mardi Gras. They say that all my time on Gaia is stupid and that I need to stay in reality...ok...here's the problem with that: I DON'T HAVE A REALITY. My life is a dream, a game, a neverending RP. My life is practically on Gaia. I mean, I have everything I want here...all my friends are here. I have hardly any friends in the real world...and they aren't the best ones...my best friends in real life are on Gaia anyways! This is my sactuary...where I can get away from all of the stuff in my life. I mean, c'mon...I stayed up until 5am yesterday because I was reading all the posts from the old Westbrook...I noticed how HAPPY I was, how GREAT everything would go...how everyone there was on YOUR side...I was having FUN. Mom and Dad don't understand that...I have FUN here..I'm happy here...or I was...lately I haven't been happy or had fun at all. This leads to the next problem: Westbrook. I HATE THE NEW WESTBROOK!!! I hate it. I hate it. I HATE it! I hate everything about it, besides most of the people in it....I want the old Westbrook BACK! ...and I have a plan...I will need some help though...Chesea, get back to me on this, please...PM me or talk to me at school. I'm gonna get the old westbrook back....I'm gonna get my happy and fun back...I hope. Now on to the next problem: loniness... I AM SOOOOOO LONELY!!! I ALWAYS have people to talk to, but a lot of the time, I don't want to talk to them...the people I DO want to talk to, however, are NEVER online!!! I always like talking to Wolf...he's helped me out since we met, and he's always been my friend...I can talk to him about ANYTHING, and I know that he'll help...but Wolf, YOUR HELP ISN'T ANYGOOD WHEN YOUR FREAKIN REPLY IS 24 HOURS LATER! T.T I'm going mental...please be there at least SOME on the time...Chesea is hardly ever on either...I mean, I know you have strict limits Chesea, but can't you sneak on or something >__< The only people who are always on are Yuki and saadie...and sometimes, I'm just not in the mood to RP or idlely chit chat. NO OFFENSE TO YOU TWO AT ALL! You are both two of the best friends I have, and when I need you guys, you are always there. I feel like Gaia itself is turning it's back on me...like it wants me to just give up on it. The bad part is, is that if this keeps up, i just might give up. The only reason I'm writing journal entries are beecause I need to get it out of my system, and that there's NOBODY to talk to. Next Problem: myself I AM SCARING MYSELF Feeling this upset this often is NOT like myself at all! I'm getting really freaked out. I don't know why I'm this way, and I don't know if I need help, and I don't how bad this can be for me. I don't know about whoever is reading this, but I really DON'T want to be one of those suicidal people...I AM NOT THE PERSON WHO WANTS TO KILL HERSELF!!! I want to live a HAPPY life, not one like I'm having now...If ANYBODY knows of a PHSYCIATRIST (sp?) or therapist or WHATEVER that can help me WITHOUT ANYBODY in my family finding out or getting suspicious about it, PLEASE let them know that I need help. Next: Energy I AM ENERGY-EMPTY!!! I have NO energy whatsoever...I didn't get out of bed until 1:30, and all I did today was take a bath, and sit down either watching TV, eating, or on the computer...I know I'm not an outside person, but I usually have the energy to go outside and play, or walk around...I never feel like doing anything anymore...I want my energy...being tired as hell 24/7 sucks. And THATS my journal. stare

Posted by: Iia Wed Feb 09, 2005 @ 05:16am

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falconlordx
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Commented on: Wed Feb 09, 2005 @ 05:30am


	O.o damn......um that must be seriously f'ed up caus ei know hiw you feel my parents get on my nerves and i've been depressed for like six months now

Commented on: Wed Feb 09, 2005 @ 02:51pm


	that stinks o.O....-.- 6 months is like forever gonk

Iia
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ChickenNoodleSoup
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Commented on: Wed Feb 09, 2005 @ 03:24pm


	Woah, now that sounds familiar. I never really put it into my journal like that cause none of my real life friends are on gaia. They wouldn't read it. I did put like one entry, but whatever. Yea, I was depressed for along time too. From last February to just recently. Well really, May, but it started in Feruary. SO it as almost like a year. Anyway, I was almost exactly like you. Only there was NO ONE I wanted to talk to.Ever. I would like hide inside me during school, act all happy,blah blah blah. Then I would go home and hate the world. I wrote a really stupid poem around it once and my friend read it and asked me if that was really how I felt. SHe was really shocked. Though she's not very bright. Anyway, I don't know what to tell you really. This is going to sound stupid, but I was depressed cause a boy who I was in love with(none of my friend believed me, neat friends huh?) dumped me. It took forever for me to get over it because he was ALWAYS THERE. He's on gaia, he posts in my threads, he's on AIM, he's on YIM, he's my brother's best friend. I couldn't get away from him. This will also sound stupid. I read a book about these girls, and one of them who had always been full of life and beautiful and in shape, had become kinda chunky and he dyed her blonde hair dark brown and she stayed inside 24/7. Well she did all this stuff,blah blah blah, and in the end she gets back in shape, her hair is blonde again. Everything is better. I wanted that. I went out and bought sheer blonde shampoo (my hair got darker with "age"), I started going to jazzercise again. And I met him. I met this new guy. He went to SPain with his spanish class, but he's coming back tomorrow. I went to sleep thinking I might get to see him tomorrow and I slept for an entire night, without waking up. And I haven't done that in forever. My parents and friends say that I look happy now. And I feel happy. I don't know if any of that is going to help you, but I have one more thing to say. Set some kind of goal, whether it's get get in shape, or eat healthy, or do one thing outside every day. And do that. I hope I helped some cause to me it looks just like a bunch of senseless banter. (The book was The Second Summer of the Sisterhood. You might want to reald the first book first though. It is The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. Good book.)

Commented on: Wed Feb 09, 2005 @ 03:45pm


	Well..... would it help if I would tell my mom and maybe she could help or something because my mom is like so much of a helpful person that no matter who you are she'll be there for you and YOU know it Tessie... Well I'm really depressed now that my bunnie died and I think I'll always be depressed....I mean the only things that is always home with me is my dog, my bunnies and my dad but as we all know he can catch very bad mood swings...sometimes I think he has a period but I highly doubt it....all I have left is my bunnies and my doggy and they're the onky ones I can actually do anything with... My mom is NEVER home because she ALWAYS has to work...and when she's off she never wants to do anything half tha time because she works too much... Well Tes I know how you feel...no one to be there for you except for friends and sometimes moms.....I promise I'll ALWAYS be there for you no matter what...always and forever....

saadie
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Iia
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Commented on: Wed Feb 09, 2005 @ 05:55pm


	wow... CNS: thank you, that really inspires me to try to make myself better. 3nodding heart Saadie: thats ^^ whenever you need to talk...you know i am ALWAYS almost 24/7 online xd

Commented on: Wed Feb 09, 2005 @ 06:08pm


	^.^ I'm really glad I could help heart

ChickenNoodleSoup
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Iia
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Commented on: Wed Feb 09, 2005 @ 08:06pm


	do you think DDR Standard Mode counts as excercizing and being active? whee

Commented on: Thu Feb 10, 2005 @ 12:02am


	^__^;; Sworry that I didn't reply earlier -.- It's ok, Iia. I know that some people don't really want to talk or RP at times. I just do something else ^^; At times, I might feel depressed...Or I over exaggerate. ^__^;; I feel that my friends aren't anything like me ninja Well, I'm "special" as Mary would say (Meaning, crazy) xd As for energy...Hmmm...I have no energy, really. I stay in the house 24/7 (Except for school XP) And just stay on the computer...XD; This place...is also my sanctuary...I've found people who are like me..Who enjoy the things I do...And they're caring ^_^ (Except for some mean people XD) Now...My father told me this, if I ever felt lonely: "Talk to Jesus..speak out and let him know that you're lonely..He will help you." Or something like that. I talk to him sometimes, and I do depend on him...My father went on a plane, and I was afraid that he would crash or anything, so I prayed..and I pray for help, if I'm desperate...I love my father 3nodding And my mother whee Hehe. Well, I hope you get all of your energy soon ^-^ You can read my journal if you wish XD Lots of crap in there XD Hehe. heart Get well soon!

Yuki the Yume-Guardian
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Iia
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Commented on: Thu Feb 10, 2005 @ 04:32am


	heh...i'm mad at jesus. -.- i lurve it with all my heart, but he had to create LENT! gonk no meat on friday T___T and yes, i pray to him too when i need help 3nodding

Commented on: Thu Feb 10, 2005 @ 03:02pm


	DDR could definatly be exercise. If you keep to a schedual.Like an hour a day and when that's easy and hour and a half a day, ect, ect. As for the no energy thing, you get more energy when you get in really good shape. I used to be burned out too. I'm not saying I'm bouncing off the walls (I am when I eat sugar) but have a little more energy. Gaia ismy santuary three. That's why I was so upset when I was hacked. I was like, This is my escape from reality and reality had to come ruin this too. But yea,I know how you fell about that. Iia about lent, I'm just using my New Years Resolutions, because I don't want to give anything up.I'm just doing stuff.

ChickenNoodleSoup
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Iia
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Commented on: Sun Feb 13, 2005 @ 03:38am


	yeah....i've been doing 45 minuits of DDR a day...it's fun! 3nodding i have been having a little more energy...but i've been getting little sleep >__< though benadril works wonders xd

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