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When I'm awake I do nothing but cry. When I sleep I dream of Raymond.
I've had several dreams last night, and I remember each one.
First, I had a dream with Raymond actually being in love with me. It was more of a relive the memories type thing. The second, which reflects my fear, was about Raymond lying to me and going to AR because he wanted to be with...(Well, I don't know if its right to actually say the name, since most of you all know her)
When I woke up this morning I cried again. Its just that I can't take it anymore. I have to go to court tomorrow and there are still charges against me. Raymond didn't want to file any charges, but there were still some made. So today he has to go to a notary (or however it is spelled) and make a official document saying that he wants all charges against me dropped. Otherwise I will most likely go back to jail for a few months. When I go to court tomorrow, I have to plead Not Guilty unless I will go to jail. I also need a lawyer and a bunch of other s**t.
So you can say I single handedly ruined my life. I deserved every bit of it. But honestly, I think I'm going to do something ever stupider than going to jail. Without Raymond here, who is to hold me down, who is to tell me it is not worth it. Since my parents won't have any clue.
I'm not worth it. I can't stand the fact that he is going to be with her. Everytime I checked to see how he was going, he would be talking to her. Its always her, and that is what makes me sickly worried. I almost threw up last night because I can't take it. I won't be able to see Raymond when he is there. And he can easily lie to me in his emails, letters, and online. So how am I to know the truth? I won't.
I love Raymond, and I want him to do this, even if it will leave me emotionally broken. I don't give a ******** about me anymore. It doesn't ******** matter how I feel. It never has.
My friend or more so Raymond's friend told him to turn me in. That is something I will never forget. I have mixed feelings on this, and I have all the right in the world to feel the way I do. I'm very pissed off. My life has been turned inside out and it could have been avoided. But then the problem wouldn't have been fixed.
I can't stand it that he is going to AR. Couldn't he just go to OK, with Amanda? I wish it was there and not anywhere else. Hell, I could deal with New York. But it would be harder for him to find work. I want him to get money, get things sorted out, and come home.
I also can't stand the fact that people are happy due to my pain. You have no ******** idea how badly this hurts. NO ONE DOES. >_< I go to jail. Lose Raymond. He goes really far away. I have court. I have Anger Management classes. Community Service. 3 ******** years of probation, and numerous other things.
I only know a small fraction of my sentence. And if I have to go to ******** jail again, I will never forgive. Never. I will most likely kill myself in jail. Or get sexually abused. Since I won't fight back. There would be no use to. Raymond already took that part of me. So I guess there's nothing wrong with a bunch of butches hurting me.
I can't take it. I just can't. If I have more dreams, I am calling my doctor. I wonder if theres anything to repress dreams. I want to be happy when I sleep, and not dream of Raymond, since the Raymond in my dreams is not the Raymond I see now.
He says he will come back to me. But I'm scared of what he means. I love Raymond and I can't bear to lose him. I already lost him to this trip. I can't lose him 100%.
I've already thought about it. I love him, and no one else. I don't give a ******** if I have never dated another person. I don't ******** care. My heart almost burst at the fact that Raymond didn't want to stay. I love him as more than a friend, and that won't change. I cannot and will not stand for him loving someone else when he is there, but I will never know.
And that is what really hurts.
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