It took me a while .. But I'm finally there. I've finally realized that I'm the only person who can make me happy. And looking back to all the happy things that have happened to me .. I can really see that people really do care. Maybe it was because I was depressed that I didn't see it. I'm not so sure now but, I do know that I feel bad for taking advatage of them. Let me explain ...
To all the people that I've dated. I used them to get over something that wasn't coming back. I thought if I moved on, it would just go away. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that. But I'm not just sorry for the people I used, I'm sorry for trying to forget the good friend I once had. Sure, he was a jerk. But we still had some great times. Anyways, a few morrnings ago, I got on the bus and I thought for a little bit. I looked towards the sun that was just coming over the horizion and I realized it. Instead of seeing them as who they were, I was lying to myself to get it out of my head that he wasn't coming back. I never gave them a fare chance. I never gave anyone a fare chance. And that's the real reason why I'm sorry.
To my friends. Oh god. I am just sorry for everything. It's true .. I do use you to get what I want. I use people to feel wanted ... It's not my fault though. It really isn't ... But I still feel aweful about it. I feel the worst when it comes to Alisa though. Cause everything she's said is true. I don't want to feel alone but who does? But .... Everytime she would invite me over .. It made my day. Cause she just wanted me over as a friend to have fun .... Not to have me over cause she wanted company. I tried to be a good friend to her, I really did. But I'm glad we at least got to know each other well enough to share secrets, tell jokes, and goof off every now and then.
If she ever reads this .... I'm sorry that I told your mom that Callan was there. But I'm not a very good liar so, she would have probably figured it out anyway. But I really am sorry. I guess telling the truth really isn't always the right thing to do. Not if it's going to hurt your friends. Or lose them.
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