[Listening to: The Fray's "How to Save a Life" (why? because I wish I knew how to.]
I have a second chance to start the year new.
Today was a pretty scary day and it's not over yet because I will have to leave soon; it's my last day to watch over FatGirl.
I'm suppose to be thinking about some strategy or something right now to get through tonight, but I prefer to write in this journal right now.
Whatever happens will happen, no matter how long I think about it or how many times I go over the plan.
Chinese New Year: Vietnamese people celebrate it, too. We call it Tet Nguyen Dan. It lasts three days.
We're suppose to clean the house before to clean the house of evils...I think. o__0
Red is involved alot, especially the red envelopes given around that are stuffed with money. xD
Everything is about good luck, (the money, color red, etc.).
There's a lot of candy, most of them are sweetened preserved fruit, though. They're still tasty.
We also buy this banh chung, I think that is how you spell it. It's this square or cylinder cooked rice held together because the rice sticks together. It's wrapped in banana leaf so the outside is green. Inside is the uncolored lightly tan rice and in the very middle is some yellow beans and meat, I think pork that had been cooked for a long time so that it is very soft and tender, and yummy. We either just eat it like that or my mom fries it.
We use to buy a lot of fruit and flowers to decorate the house for the new year, but this year we did not have time to do any of that. I miss this...I just realized we haven't been doing this for the past few years. Those things don't seem that important to my family anymore even though they mean a lot to me.
Things are so different now than how they use to be when I was little. I don't like the changes.
I don't have anymore close friends, but I don't really care.
I remember I use to always HAVE TO HAVE a best friend, but now I couldn't care any less if I had no friends.
I'm not afraid of anything, or I just don't care. If some internet predator knew where I lived and told me he was going to come and get me, I wouldn't be afraid. I'd probably go after him and beat the s**t out of him for bugging me. I use to carry around a teddy bear everywhere because I was afraid of everything and everyone. I liked the feeling of having someone save me or atleast someone there to rely on, to always be there for me. The only person I can trust now is myself. The only one who can help me or save me is myself.
I gave up on being "nice." Or helping people out. There's something seriously wrong with my karma, I've even talked to a lot of people about it, including some buddhists monks. Whenever I go out of my way to help someone or to do a good deed, it always comes back to me as something bad. I get hurt, either physically or mentally. I just gave up on that.
I don't open up to people anymore. It's a waste of time and it always comes back to me in a bad way, too.
I use to think that if I opened up to someone, they would open up to me, and we would be best friends! I was wrong. People get scared, they look at me differently, they talk to me differently, or they just leave all together.
I'm always tired now. I'm always hurting on the inside and out. The stuff I see, the things I have to think about, my feelings. Usually time takes aways this feeling of sadness that clings on to me, but now it's all coming back and it won't go away. I keep waiting, but it just hangs on to me.
My injuries hurt so much and I don't have time to wait and let them heal. I keep going because if I don't than it might be over. I just want it to all go away, but they won't. They stay and they grow. They just keep coming and they won't stop. I don't know what to do anymore besides what I have to do and what I'm told to do.
Everything from my childhood is disappearing. The places I grew up in and the people I use to know. They're all going away. I miss them so much. I know I can never get them back.
I use to be so happy, but now I don't even know what happy is.
A new year, it's going to be a new year. There will be changes, or there are already changes. I started it without family or friends.
I have a second chance to start the year new.
Today was a pretty scary day and it's not over yet because I will have to leave soon; it's my last day to watch over FatGirl.
I'm suppose to be thinking about some strategy or something right now to get through tonight, but I prefer to write in this journal right now.
Whatever happens will happen, no matter how long I think about it or how many times I go over the plan.
Chinese New Year: Vietnamese people celebrate it, too. We call it Tet Nguyen Dan. It lasts three days.
We're suppose to clean the house before to clean the house of evils...I think. o__0
Red is involved alot, especially the red envelopes given around that are stuffed with money. xD
Everything is about good luck, (the money, color red, etc.).
There's a lot of candy, most of them are sweetened preserved fruit, though. They're still tasty.
We also buy this banh chung, I think that is how you spell it. It's this square or cylinder cooked rice held together because the rice sticks together. It's wrapped in banana leaf so the outside is green. Inside is the uncolored lightly tan rice and in the very middle is some yellow beans and meat, I think pork that had been cooked for a long time so that it is very soft and tender, and yummy. We either just eat it like that or my mom fries it.
We use to buy a lot of fruit and flowers to decorate the house for the new year, but this year we did not have time to do any of that. I miss this...I just realized we haven't been doing this for the past few years. Those things don't seem that important to my family anymore even though they mean a lot to me.
Things are so different now than how they use to be when I was little. I don't like the changes.
I don't have anymore close friends, but I don't really care.
I remember I use to always HAVE TO HAVE a best friend, but now I couldn't care any less if I had no friends.
I'm not afraid of anything, or I just don't care. If some internet predator knew where I lived and told me he was going to come and get me, I wouldn't be afraid. I'd probably go after him and beat the s**t out of him for bugging me. I use to carry around a teddy bear everywhere because I was afraid of everything and everyone. I liked the feeling of having someone save me or atleast someone there to rely on, to always be there for me. The only person I can trust now is myself. The only one who can help me or save me is myself.
I gave up on being "nice." Or helping people out. There's something seriously wrong with my karma, I've even talked to a lot of people about it, including some buddhists monks. Whenever I go out of my way to help someone or to do a good deed, it always comes back to me as something bad. I get hurt, either physically or mentally. I just gave up on that.
I don't open up to people anymore. It's a waste of time and it always comes back to me in a bad way, too.
I use to think that if I opened up to someone, they would open up to me, and we would be best friends! I was wrong. People get scared, they look at me differently, they talk to me differently, or they just leave all together.
I'm always tired now. I'm always hurting on the inside and out. The stuff I see, the things I have to think about, my feelings. Usually time takes aways this feeling of sadness that clings on to me, but now it's all coming back and it won't go away. I keep waiting, but it just hangs on to me.
My injuries hurt so much and I don't have time to wait and let them heal. I keep going because if I don't than it might be over. I just want it to all go away, but they won't. They stay and they grow. They just keep coming and they won't stop. I don't know what to do anymore besides what I have to do and what I'm told to do.
Everything from my childhood is disappearing. The places I grew up in and the people I use to know. They're all going away. I miss them so much. I know I can never get them back.
I use to be so happy, but now I don't even know what happy is.
A new year, it's going to be a new year. There will be changes, or there are already changes. I started it without family or friends.
