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People who see nothing but the lighter side of things are more vulnerable than those who see the darkness.
I live in a world of darkened colors, perhaps in a sea of grey if you will. The color has been drained from even the brightest things that did wonders for a low self-esteem. You see things in neutral. Not to bright, not to dark, just right. I would love to wake up one morning and say "what a wonderful day to be alive", but I know full well that such a day will not be in my future. It shall be the same thing, not changing.
Most people are tired of my sarcastic, or even sardonic point of view on life. Life is in no way a bloody picnic people. Stop saying that there is good. Oh yeah, look forward to being married, having children, and having a good job. In the real world, it is hard to have all three and actually maintain happiness. I see myself as a wicked old hag that will live in a house full of cats until the day I die. My happiness has been stripped from me, and it left me exposed, naked, and extrememly vulnerable.
I would be happy to have someone love me. Someone that would always be there for me, and that will wait for me. I thought I had that love, right in my pocket, close to my heart. But no, that has been taken obviously, and given to the first pair of breats that said "hey, you're cute". So spare me your "you'll find another man" speech for when I want to listen.
For people who know me, they can tell you that I will not find a man. For no one likes me in that fashion. You can introduce me to a hundred men, and they will not look at me as something more than a friend. I am not what the tabloids would call beautiful, or even attractive. I may be okay looking, but thats it. I'm average, and nothing more. Oh I used to think of myself as something special, something wonderful, and something that was worthy of life. Pah. What do you think now? I try hurting myself to relieve the pain.
Few people can understand how wonderfully it works. Everyone thinks of it as taboo. But it is actually a great stress reliever if used once in a while. I hurt people I care about, they hurt me too. I'm tired of being the punching bad, the go to person, and always left out when I'm not needed. I'm a bitter, vindictive person when you cross the line. So far only Raymond and Pam have crossed that line with their so-called relationship. Its bogus, and I think, or more so I hope, it crashes to the ground and that Raymond realized that he has wronged so many people.
It takes a big person to admit their mistakes. I have done my share. Yes, I was in the wrong, and I may still be in it, but you know what, it doesn't matter.
Nothing really matters in a world of grey.
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