Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

Kokomadega! To all of those whinning about relationship problems out there, you won't like hearing this, that's fine.

...You're an idiot. There I said it. There are 3 key problems with any relationship whinners at any given moment. 1. Honesty 2. Loyalty 3. Selfishness. Let's clear the air right now.

Let's start with 1. Honesty. Alot of you complainers whine that your respective mates aren't honest. Let me quote Hitomi when I say this. "It's not that I'm not scared, but if I put my defense up, you will too and we won't get anywhere." I am aware it's a misquote but I haven't watched escaflowne in over a year so sue me. What does it mean? How can you expect your significant other to be honest if you yourself aren't? You may say you've given your spouse nothing but loving honesty and flowers and rainbows... Bullshit. You all ******** lie. We all ******** lie. It's natural to have secrets whether big or small. In fact the people that moan about honesty the most are those that are themselves the least honest. You want your spouse to open up? You do it first. People mirror what they see in other people. If you're in a comfortable environment with no pressure and no secrets there's a greater chance for honesty... So number one: You want honesty you GIVE honesty. PERIOD.

2. Loyalty: It's linked to the first which is why I had this after. Alot of people are always suspicious that their lover isn't loyal enough. Whether they hang around the opposite sex too much (or same sex depending), or seem emotionally distant or whatever. Some will go so far as to spy on each other. Again we need trust. If you're with your lover enough they won't have time to cheat will they? Sometimes if you keep suspecting and accusing they will cheat out of spite... The whole thinking process of "If I'm gonna be convicted of it then I might as well..." And your poison of doubt is picked up by the other person which leads to emotional distance, and the feeling of betrayal which will never end well. The emotional distance leaves a void to fill, which can be found through infidelity. And of course alot of people that complain about loyalty are not so loyal themselves. Because they know they betray their lover in certain scenarios they constantly fear the same will happen to them. It's true that under certain circumstances people are capable of anything, but the necessary severity of a scenario is directly dependant on how much they're getting from the relationship. In other words, the better they feel about the relationship the harder it will be fore them to break the bond. The people that are unloyal themselves may say "but I never cheated on THEM, that's just ******** up." You may not have physically cheated on them, but that's only a small way to cheat on someone. If you flirt alot or show deeper emotional connections to other people that is also a way of cheating. One of the greatest parts of a relationship is the feeling of unity. That beside you is the one person you can truely count on for anything, and that you would do anything for. That person practically gives your life meaning. Betraying that bond by forming one with another can be worse than simple infidelity. This also ties into priorities. How high is your spouse on your list? How many tings come first before them? The lower you spouse is on your list the cheaper the relationship seems, and thus the weaker the bond. If you say you don't have the time to make sure your lover won't cheat (or won't want to rather) than perhaps you simply don't have the time for a RELATIONSHIP at all. If you want someone to put infinite love into your relationship without you putting any, you're dreaming. Just get a hooker and move on. So just like honesty, if you want loyalty, GIVE loyalty.

3. Selfhishness. Sometimes hearing this from people is laughable. I think this came from Family Guy "Sometimes I want something just for ME. Is that so selfish?" "Actually Peter, that's the definition of selfish" This one's tricky. It's in 'living nature' to be selfish. Not human nature, not animal nature, pretty much anything living begins selfish. Part of a survival mechanism... Sometimes a spouse can take and take and no matter how much it seems you try to be giving they just keep taking. Seeing this can be an illusion or a character flaw. How can it be an illusion? Sometimes we're so deperate to be able to claim moral superiority we play the victim. We can twist and dramatize anything into making ourselves the victim. Including selfishness. Sometimes even when you see a spouse just take take take and us give give give, it's not necessarily the case. When you make youself the victim you start counting the times they take, and ignoring the times they give. People will hide behind the excuse "but me giving a PSP is not the same value as them giving a card!." We must remember that value is in the eye of the beholder. One man's garbage is another man's treasure. For all they know they're making an even exchange. If all else fails, that's what honesty is for. Talk about how you feel there's not enough equality and what they think. Also we can replace emotional giving with physical. We figure if we don't have the time for them we can get them a new cellphone and all will be even. That's not the case. You can't buy someone's love. Your time is the most precious gift you can give. We all have to look at ourselves before jumping to conclusions that we're being treated unjustly. Sometime;s however it IS a character flaw. And your spouse can actually be selfish as hell. Here's where honesty takes place again. Talk about how you don't like it and how you feel it's unfair for you to give so much and get so little in return. If they just curse you out and leave perhaps they never loved you, but the stuff you could provide for them. Who mentioned love you ask? Well, there's where the conclusion will kick in... (Like yet unlike the other 2 btw, selfishness will breed more selfishness. The more you demand from a mate either the more they will demand from you or the ;ess they will feel good about the relationship. Just be happy you have someone by your side, and don't be greedy!)

Love. Somehow we've twisted the concept of love and relationships into a barter system, and pop culture rituals. I'm a firm beleiver that if you don't love someone you shouldn't be in a relationship with people. And a popular response is "If I don't date them how will I know if I love them?" That's a silly paradox. If you don't know if you love them you don't know them well enough to be dating them. Friends first lovers later. We start with bonds of friendship and sometimes they will become bonds of love sometimes not. Another popular response is "Ewww! That's gross! No way I'd date a friend! They're like family!" To which I say, "And it's NOT gross dating a total STRANGER? How do you think s**t like the clap spreads?" I know the person you date isn't always a total stranger, some people date aquaintances and whatnot, but that's not much better than dating a stranger. You still know so little about them, and it will be hard to form a bond of trust out of the blue. Especially since there are alot of "Players" out there waiting to screw you over. Either way your friends aren't your family. They aren't related and you have different relations with them. Even if you can't see the difference there is one. It's subtle, but it's there. Sometimes we'll just adopt the notion that friends are family because those around us do, and it would be shameful not to. Let me tell you something. Shame is a part of life. nobody looks graceful taking a dump, eating a hamburger or making the beast with two backs. Grow up, and learn that everybody's farts stink. I'm not telling you to force yourself to love your friends, trying to force love will only turn it into a negetive thing. But dating strangers is not the answer. Just try to live life and if you fall in love so be it. You know the saying haste makes waste? If you try to rush things you'll only make a mess. My little titty attack is done now... Not that I'm expecting anyone to read this. I wrote this for myself mostly, to keep my perspective at how silly people are and how much trouble just a little miscommunication can bring. So if anyone is reading this... Remember, you s**t stinks too! My s**t stinks, all of our s**t stinks! Judge not lest ye be judged.

PS: To all those imaginary people still denying everything up and down... Good for you, you're fated to complain about relationship problems forever.