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S
Stopping to think.
What am I doing?
Am I doing the right thing?
Should I just take that chance?
I woke up feeling rather scared this morning. My dreams keep getting more vivid. For the first time since Raymond left, I did not dream about him. I dreamed about someone else, and everyone else at the same time.
What I am feeling right now is not love. You cannot simply love a person after a week of getting to know them. Thats bogus. What I am feeling is a sense of liberation - "Am I finally free of those bonds that drove me to the ground?" Hardly. I will be free once I am loved again, until then I am to be intrigued by afar and wonder, "what is this that drives me to feel this way?" I hardly remember these feelings, since I never had them like this when I was with Raymond, no way. I feel like a kid again, free to fancy whoever I choose to. But that comes with a price - Not knowing if those feelings will ever be returned. And they most likely won't.
Part of loving someone is that you'll do anything for them, its only a small fraction of what love really is. Loving someone is growing to love them, accepting everything about them, and willing to sacrifice your own freedom so that person would be spared the pain. - I did all that. Where did it get me? The trash can of emotional waste. You might truly be in love with someone, but that doesn't mean that the other person will feel the same way, infact they may be drawn by another person that is not right for them.
I'm quite frankly tired of being thrown around like this. Haven't I had enough emotional volleyball? People are lucky I am still here, being able to type, since if I wasn't as strong as I thought myself to be, I would be in the mental hospital. I'm losing grip on a lot of things right now, all I want is something to hold on to.
And I am looking at the wrong people for the job. - It amazes me why I feel the way I do, but its not like, or love, its the simple factor that they're interesting.
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