Because this free space has been presented to me to lay down my deeper and probably more meaningful thoughts, I decided I shall make use of it one more time before I go to bed, specifically because there has been this slight irritation in my life as of late.
A very dear friend of mine, who currently despises my very existence for a misunderstanding that he had initiated, not the other way around. It has now officially been a week and three days, and I am beginning to wonder if I should even bother to try and correct the problem or continue on with our 'You don't exist for me' game.
Call it immature if you will, it's what I've been calling it since day three. Because he has proven to me that he is one of the greatest hypocrites, if not a prude as well, around as far as I know! Continuously whenever I throw a hissy-fit at him, he immediately tells me to 'stop it' and 'grow up' or 'can't you be a little more mature?'
Well, if you would lead on with a better example, then maybe yes, I could be more mature. But instead of him even saying what it is he wants me to do- apologize, write him a letter, give him money, etc- he chooses to simply act like I don't exist.
BUT! Because we have friends in common, he has the gall to answer questions that were NOT directed at him and try to talk normally with me when they're around. But as soon as they leave it's back to 'Oh? Was that the wind?'
... I suddenly have a feeling that this journal and I shall become very great friends in the near future if things in my life persist in this direction.
But continuing on with my vent, it should have been me feeling so extremely insulted. Our Literature class had been studying this poem called 'the Broken heart', which I actually found to be a very lovely, yet depressing, poem. Our teacher continued to comment on how this poem speaks of both those who resist love with all their being and those who fall in and out of love within the hour. Because I have never really shown much interest in a relationship, it has been concluded amongst our tight circle of friends that I will most likely never have 'springtime spring' for me. He then decided to comment on how 'one day I will have to face my fears and find a partner'.
With that line I should have taken immediate offense and thrown a hissy-fit, but instead I retaliated by saying 'Hey, one hour'. This one hour referred to how quickly he could have his crush shattered, because he has asked... a selection and has had a fair amount of rejections alongside them. Then I burst out laughing, because I thought it was the most hilarious thing in the world at that time, and I was already irritated, so that spurn-on feeling of cruel superiority cheered me on. Of course, he didn't find anything funny about it at all and actually started sniffling some. I knew I had hurt him, but I couldn't help but relish the feeling of 'pay-back'. So then he writes me a note saying that I had hurt him deeply, and I knew it. But he should also have known by then that I don't lie very often, even if it is meant to be kind, so I told him honestly that if I looked at him again within five minutes, I would probably start laughing again.
I'm assuming this contributed to my 'big mistake in life'. Well, after class he naturally sped out through the doorway in order to avoid me and I just shrugged it off, thinking he would stay sore for a while and I could relay this incident to my best friend. Well, in the middle of my cracking it up, guess who suddenly shows up behind us? And of course he isn't pleased, but I never expected him to go completely berserk and curse me from high-noon to whatever. Oh well, not much I can do when he's in such a mood, so I decided that by the end of the school day he'd be over it.
Hardly.
He comes to tell me that we are once again on speaking terms and me being the cynical person I am of course acted like he wasn't in front of me trying to control his temper. His ears were red, too, I think- a clear sign that he is miffed something fierce. Well anyway, now that we're on speaking terms again, he asks me about this girl and I tell him honestly 'I don't think it's gonna work with y'all.' I guess this was an added blow to his pride, but as a female who can be brutally honest and scar a person for life without thinking twice about it, I don't understand nor care to understand the male ego that can be very dominant in some. He blames it on his red head, I say he just needs to chill.
Oh my, this has turned into a long journal entry, which certainly wasn't my intention, I had meant to make it short. But I need to finish this before I see him again, so that I may continue to look at him with a clear conscience and without malicious desires or lose my temper and severe our friendship permanently. It's currently barely existent, but I still wish to get him a gift for his birthday, which is coming up very soon.
See, I do care.
But he cannot know I care. If he were to know that I actually do care about fixing our friendship, I might show some human empathy and start feeling regretful towards what I did. But there isn't much to regret in taking a joke too far, simply because I can't erase it and we simply have to live with it now.
Anyway, continuing on right quick, on Saturday it was discovered that he and I would be working together at MY worksite from now on, or until I graduate, thank heavens. This was three days after said incident, but had anything changed? Of course not. It had possibly even settled into a very unrelenting grip of utter disgust over a simple comment that consisted of two words.
Well, that's all I wanted to say. Sorry for the novella entry, but I needed to store this little incident of my life somewhere besides inside of me.
Signing out,
KC
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Beyond the Rooftops
We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.
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