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Beware of angst

Hey guys,

I've been feeling really really down lately. I need to basically unwrap a bunch of things off my chest, so if you don't want to read about dark and depressing things then ignore this entry to the fullest extent. If you're curious, then read on.

I'm twenty three and I'm realizing life was alot easier as a child. Not just for the simple fact that I didn't have bills or anything to deal with, but there was a sense of security on where I existed when I was ten or twelve. I lived in a world with a sugar coated topping that needed nothing more then what existed inside my large bedroom. From then, things started getting odd. I went to college, and my parents moved to Arizona because my dad lost his job. I lost all my connections to New York and any resemblance to highschool.

I miss highschool.

Things were a little more hectic with school work, but at least I had a basis of people who I knew cared for me and I cared for them. It was a carefree situation where we could all have fun, run amuck on the front terrace of the school, or skip class to go to the mall. It was fun, and I'd do anything to have those days back.

I made the mistake of dropping out of AIPX. I hated the school and due to my idoicy, I thought that I could just 'take' a quarter off. No, they booted me too to absenses. Mom stopped paying for school. I guess it was for the best she did this, but now that I'm attending CCAD ( A school more expensive) I have alternative loans up the wazoo.

I'll be in debt for the rest of my life.

I never worked during highschool and the time I spent working at Gamestop and Hollywood video, I never got a savings account. So right now I live on what scraps of money I get . It won't bode well for when I graduate a year and a half from now. Did I mention my parents are seperating? I suppose this is a good thing, since they should have done this when I was seven or eight, but its more stress that I don't need.

I won't be learning how to drive because I won't have a place to stay, and there for there will be no car next year. I'll be dependant on people to get to school and thats yet another thing I don't want.

Maybe I'm a baby, having been so sheltered all my life that when bad things happen to me, exagerate. I know some of my friends are sick of hearing nothing but bad things coming from me, but I can't help how I feel. I'm not a faker, who puts on the smile for the sake of everyone else. If I'm unhappy theres nothing thats going to fix that.

I used to get alot of boyfriends in highschool. I was thinner, bouncy, and perhaps more alluring to the male eye. Now, here I thought I'd grow up to something nicer but apparently the ugly duckling went to something uglier. I can't say I hate myself, because I don't. Theres nothing about me that could have been changed otherwise unless I had kept up with exercise. I matured ( even though I remember all my previous boyfriends saying I always acted older then my age) and yet it seems that I'm a beacon that rejects men.

Maybe its spring, that people are getting together everywhich way, and going ahead and telling me exactly what is happening to them. I know they're happy and they don't mean to hurt myself. I even set myself up by asking how things go, but I can't help but feel the cruel stab of jealousy. They're happy and I'm not. I haven't dated anyone in ages and they're doing just fine.

I tell people I like them, and I get taken down. I tell people I like them a moment too late. I try not to act like I care too much, but it always comes out. So much for my masks..

Maybe its because I only have a year and a half left. That I'll be graduating and stepping off into the world of debt and the fear of whether or not getting a job. My teachers say my style is too 'anime' like, and that people don't need that or like it in America. I'll agree to some extent, but I don't see whats so special about exagerated realism/charactures. Regardless of this, knowing that I'll walking out into the world alone is what bothers me.

I hoped that I would find someone before then, engage on the path of courtship and by time I graduated I'd have someone to support emotionally as they would support me. Its happened to most of my other friends, why the hell not me? *sigh* Theres the jealousy again.

People tell me that the 'one' will come to me when the time is right.

I want to be a firm believer of fate, that things happen for a reason and that the right one will pop up for me when the time is right. People have told me this since I broke things off with Shaun when I was 19, and I can't help but find myself more and more annoyed each time someone says it.

Its not going to happen.

And yes, people say that I'm only twenty three and that I shouldn't b***h about things like this, that I have my whole life ahead of me. The only thing I have to counter is that I don't know how much time I have left, no one ever really knows if they're going to live to a ripe old age with five kids and a loving family to which they go out in their sleep. I don't know this, so why can't I want what other people want now? I've seen many other people get 'together' at young ages, I don't see why its so bizarre and outlandish that it can't happen to me.

Maybe its because I'm picky.

I get attached to people, perhaps moreso then I should. I don't like confiding in anyone, so by time I finally do- I latch on. I get clingy. I apologize to those that I've done this to. And if I'm still doing it, I apologize again. Regardless of this, I only ever 'like' people that I want to persue. I'm picky with looks, I'm picky with personality, I'm picky with just about everything. I know beggers can't be choosers, so you can laugh at everything I've said a few paragraphs ago. I dug my own grave when it comes to relationships.

I miss my cats, and knowing that I won't be able to bring them to the 'house' I'm moving into next year makes me sad. They keep me going sometimes, on how Kappa will by personal stalker or Rosa will want to cuddle me when I feel sad. Supposably one of the guys at the house is allegric ( he found this out due to one cat already being there), I want to offer solutions by staying in the room upstairs, but the guy who already lives there won't give up his nice 'big' room for the one I'm going to get.

Sucks to be me.

I hope I do well on finals. I've been so hard pressed by everything that I don't think I've done as good of a job as I did last semester. I won't get on the presidents list this year, but I'm sure I'm not failing.

Last but not least.. money.

I need money.

Because I'm not sure where I'll be working when I get back to columbus, I'm really encouraging anyone whos interested in my stuff to purchase something. I won't be able to do prints anymore because the school will be closed by that point, but I'll still be pressing for commissions either way.

Maybe my stuff isn't 'good' enough for commissions. Or maybe its not the cliche anime things that people want. Maybe its also because my artwork isn't usually 'funny'.

Maybe thats my issue. I'm not a 'fun' person.. or rather a serious one. I'll leave it here.

COMMISSIONS:


All pieces are done in a step by step process. I don't advance what I'm doing without your approval!

I am to receive the payments in full. Thanks to people 'requesting' to get they're money back from Paypal I've had money issues with it now. I will require that you pay in full and that I will continue working on the piece until you are happy with it.

I will not accept anyone who thinks they are going to their credit union and asking for a refund after I produce artwork to your liking.

You can email me your inquiry or you can send me a note as well!

Prices:

(please note the categories are split up and are flexible to change)

Sketched line art - This is the initial sketch stage, so you'll get those gesture lines here or there.

9 x 12 sheet - $10

12 x 17 sheet - $20

Inked line art - This is clean line art done with a rapidograph or micron pen. I also ink on the computer if you prefer that.

9 x 10 sheet - $30

12 x 17 sheets - $40

Colored Cg -

This is all digitally done. I hop back and forth between Painter and Photoshop.

9 x 12 sheet - $45

12 x 17 sheet - $55



If you would want a background with your image, or two or more people in the picture, we will have to discuss prices separately from what I have mentioned before. Keep in mind these prices are set for SINGULAR characters only.

Do's and Dont's:

I like expanding my horizons, so if you give me a challenge, all the better. As for what I -won't- do:

Mature content ( Meaning sexual conduct that shows certain organs). I don't mind doing nudity, but theres a difference between being in the nude and having a pornographic request.

This isn't really a don't, but I'm not too great with huge cities and mech-like characters. I can try my hardest for you, but it's not something I'm the best at.

Furries. There are plenty of other artists who you -don't- have to pull they're leg to draw that. I just don't, my own personal prefference.

Method of Payment:

Paypal:

I accept Paypal and Moneyorders, please no personal orders or checks. Currently my paypal account if being rather silly, so if you'd like to pay with that method, please let me know so I can arrange for you to place the money in the right account.


Slots open:

OPEN

OPEN

OPEN

If you're interested in art, please -please- let me know.