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Just curious about lately.
People aren't talking to me anymore.
People ignoring me lately.
What the hell is going on?
Do you all know something I don't?
Is there an ignore me sign on my forehead?
Is something the matter?
Can I not be trusted?
What's going on here..
I'm afraid I don't understand..
I held my hand out to all of you and now, when I need it, you're not around.
Maybe it's just this month.
Maybe I'm overreacting.
Just alot of you are so busy lately and just brushing me off..
Do you know how much it hurts?
I wish I could just tell you how it feels,
but right now, the closest thing to it is that my inner organs are just a big flashy knot inside of my epidermis.
It feels like all I'm good for is being toyed with.
All you guy want me for is to toy with me.
Play with my head.
Regardless of the eleged ' I love you' or 'I care about you' I get from whoever, half the time, it feels like either people abuse the words, they don't mean it.
It feels like everyone just says that so that I will stay their friend.
Tomorrow when I have more time, I'm deleting anyone who does such things.
You say those things and I can tell when you mean it and when you don't ok?
I KNOW what love it.
No matter how hard I try, I can't seem to be good enough to live up to someone's standards, yet I can't seem to move on either.
Relatively painful when they seem to avoid me lately.
Seriously. What the hell did I do?
No responding to emails, no talking on MSN.
The only sign of them being alive that I've gotten is a little face one time, like a week ago.
What am I worth to anyone?
What is the point of my being even?
I'm not as smart as 90% of you...
I can act dumb sometimes..
I like to hide in my house..
I dislike crowds and alot of social activities..
Whats wrong with me?
I don't mind half of those things when I'm alone :
I'm sorry for whatever it is that I did for you people to not want me anymore.
I know, some of you actually ARE busy.
But when you won't even leave me a note of 'I'm not going to be around for a few weeks/days/months, I worry. I am worried and stressed enough now that I even ended up losing 20 pounds from anxiety from my diabetes going nuts. It's scary but I'm just trying to cope..
Maybe I should just 'vanish myself' for awhile , see who notices when I'M GONE.
I mean, you all say you will, but would you really?
How do I know that?
How do I know any of this is happening..
why do I even wonder?
Maybe I care too much?
What the heck am I doing?
Why am I asking this?
Why do I have so many questions all the time?
How should I cope with this?
Why do I even have to?
Its because I care, I know that.
I care about all of you , my friends and I love you dearly.
I miss one in particular and worry to hell about them.
But he's a big boy and I'm sure he can take..good ... care of himself without me..
I think I need a stress relief.
Movies, already drowned in media.
Three words= Did.Not.Work.
Music worked but not totally.
Exercise didn't either.
Neither did friends.
Neither did sitting alone.
Neither did alone time.
Neither did shopping.
Waiting it out is making it worse.
Maybe if I just sleep ...
It will go away eventually...
A long sleep..
not just a few hours...
Maybe I should go for a vacation by myself...
Figure out what to do...
I refuse to give up though, I'm going to wait awhile longer and see what happens.
I'd rather torture myself, than see any of my friends sad.
Anyways...
I'd love advice...
Please...
Goodbye,
-Becky.