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Okay, so I need to get some thoughts out of my head, but I can't write about this in MySpace or fbook, because this concerns someone who is on both, and I don't know if I want him to read this. I'm talking about my boyfriend. I like him so very, very much but things are just so hard for me right now for so many stupid reasons. This might be hard to read, if there's anyone actually reading this. My thoughts are just all over the place right now and it's hard for me to focus on just one thing. Here we go:
The first reason this is hard is because we've only been dating for a little over two months (known each other for about 3 months) and he's already told me that he loves me. I feel the same way, but it's hard for me to express my feelings sometimes. Anyway, he's officially now an alumnus at our college (he graduated a week ago) and around mid-June he's going across the country for a job. I'm just starting my sophomore year of college and I can't exactly transfer to be closer to him because for one thing, my major is very specialized and only a few schools offer it. For another thing, as I said, we've only been dating a few months. I think it's still way too soon to start rushing into anything that would concern a future for us.
Another stupid thing that's making this hard is that I met him just three weeks after I was dumped and we started dating about a month after we met. Sometimes I think I rushed into a relationship before I should have. I was quite attached to my last boyfriend, and when he dumped me, I was crushed. It took me by surprise and I cried for days. Lately, I can't stop thinking about him and I'm not sure why. Usually it's just a daydream where I'm talking to him and telling him about my new boyfriend and how I feel so happy and calm when I'm around him and that I'm really upset that he's leaving me because I think if he were to stick around we could possibly have a great relationship. I even had a dream where I was hanging out with my ex and discussing my new boyfriend and just before I woke up I asked my ex "What about your new girl?" which is weird, because last I heard he was still single.
My boyfriend doesn't want to break up when he leaves, which makes this pretty interesting. He says that he thinks "we have something that could be very special" and that when he holds me in his arms "something just feels so right" and that no other girl has ever made him feel this way. I too feel that we have a pretty good thing going here, but I'm just not sure about having a Long Distance Relationship. I'm scared and sad at the same time. I'm not very good about meeting guys (except online apparently), but what if he meets a girl out there? I'm sure we'll talk about this again soon before he goes, and I'm going to make sure to tell him that if he meets anyone he develops a crush or an interest in, to tell me right away and not to just pine after her because he's tied down to me. I don't want to make him unhappy and miserable in a new place. I don't want to be selfish.
Some of my friends have experience with LDRs, but they've been lucky. One friend just got married this past January to her long distance love and in a week or so she's moving out to join him. Another close friend of mine has been in a LDR for the past three years with someone she's never even met in person. I'm so happy for them, and so sad for me. I don't know how or if we're going to make this work. I'm trying to be optimistic, but it's hard for me. I've never had a relationship last any longer than 3.5 months, and I love this guy so much sometimes it can hurt.
In some ways this distance thing may be okay for a while. I'll be able to sort out all my thoughts and feelings, especially about my ex. I'll be able to figure out exactly what I want for my life, and where I can see myself in 5 years, if possible. You see, I'm not much of a "future thinker". I can't "see myself" in 5 or 10 years. I know some people who can see themselves as old people, but I can't even see myself at the end of the summer! But for some reason I can see us. I can see myself sitting on my bed, talking on the phone to him every night, laughing and joking with him. I can see myself telling him about my day, and what one professor said on a test of mine. I can see myself saying to him "I love you hun, see you soon and sleep tight" before hanging up. I can see myself meeting him in the airport, running up to him and giving him a big hug as he holds me in his arms and swings me around, both of us laughing. I can see this. It's giving me butterflies and a smile as I picture it all. But then reality hits and a voice in my head tells me "Long distance relationships don't work. You're just fooling yourself." I get sad. I want this to work out. Even though I've only known him for a little over 3 months, I want this to last for a very long time. I want this. I want him.
I also want him to call, because he's been up in his hometown since Tuesday, and he's supposed to be coming back today. He said that he would be coming back after he dropped his dad off at the airport this afternoon, but he never said what time of the afternoon that was. I'm assuming that he'll call me when he leaves the airport, but so far, I've got nothing. I need to get a shower, but I don't want to take one too soon because I want my hair to still be fresh (he loves the scent of my shampoo/conditioner), and it smells the best when my hair is still slightly damp or wet. However, I'm scared that at some point he'll call me, saying "hey, I'm about 5 minutes from your place!" and I'll be smelly and hairy. Urgh, I should just call him, but I always call at bad times! I'm about to just say screw it and go get my shower any way, no matter what. Actually, I'll do that. If he calls while I'm in the shower, then whatever. He can leave me a voicemail and I'll call him back when I'm done. I'm going to go do that. Fare thee well.
 Starlight Night · Sun May 20, 2007 @ 11:26pm · 0 Comments |
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Ok, so I'm about 3k short of one of my questing items, and about 1k short of another item I'm questing for. Man, I'm so bad at questing it's really pathetic. I wish I had friends here on Gaia. There are plenty of people I'm friendly with, but I don't actually have any people here that I consider friends. Oh well, no need to be a drama queen! I'm sure I'll make some friends eventually ^^
So long!
Starlight Night · Thu Oct 13, 2005 @ 07:33pm · 1 Comments |
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I haven't really gotten to update this, have I? I've been busy traveling around, doing random schoolwork, and taking over the tiny country of my Brain. One day I will be victoious...
I would follow with the usualy "Hey, letting ya'll know I'm not dead" stuff, but if you're reading this then that most likely means you're here from a post I had in a forum, which in turn means that you already know that I'm healthily alive. Well, maybe not healthy, but you get the picture! *thumbs up*
See you later!
EDIT:Wow, I meant to type 'victorious'. I'm not sure if that's still the right spelling, but it's closer than it was. I'd like to point out that it was 'Longerlegz' who was so wonderfully kind to point that out to me. And yes, to answer that question I am strange....very strange....*awkward silence filled with shifty eye movement before she runs out of picture frame*
Starlight Night · Wed Jun 29, 2005 @ 11:09pm · 1 Comments |
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Well, this is pretty interesting. I leave for a month or so, get bored one day, come back and find all these new things. Like these journals. No one'll read mine, but at least I have a place to babble incoherantly. Ok, that's just a joke, but I've always wanted to say that!! XD
Oh, if this is a journal then I should probably start telling all you random people I don't even know about my personal life, eh? Should I start talking about the Freshman that I've been wanting to jump for weeks? Or about my STD and how my crotch looks like cauliflower?! *falls down laughing* Ok, that last part isn't true, but I was in sex ed the other day and that's what the instructor was saying to describe this one case of HPV. Gross huh? Well, then I won't say how men get tested for Chlamydia. >.> *shudders and thanks God she wasn't born male*
Oh!! No school tommorrow!! Woo! I finally get to erm....do stuff? ...
Yeah....I guess I'm done then....until next time then! Oh, and men: Don't gamble with your p***s!
Starlight Night · Thu Nov 11, 2004 @ 12:49am · 0 Comments |
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