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ok. total disregard of the last post >.<
tonight's message was awesome. totally applied to me... gave me lots of great advice. [off topic] i've been trying to find the reason why i cant do any art for the longest time, and trying to connect events that happened in the past with how i got this way today. ive been seriously thinking about it for days. heres events that happened around the time i stopped doing art:

-cheated on Amber. (but i did my 80 hour art project?)
- my 80 hour art project itself( could make sense, as it was supposed to be solely dedicated to amber, then got poisoned by my betrayal.)
-came to the point of faking being a Christian ( but when i tried to follow God later on wholly, no art production whatsoever, and i go back to my ways again?)
-quit runescape (O_o not probable but interesting!)

ok reasons i continue to not do art:

-mmorpgs (very probable but when i quit maplestory i had at least a week period to get things right w/ God and do art. didnt happen.)
-gaia(maybe one of many contributing factors?)
-relationship w/ Amber deteriorating( same as faking being a christian, when trying to make things right, my hand wouldnt move with the pencil in it)
-pessimistic about life. (wouldnt that HELP me do more art than hurt?)
-art fears deep inside my subconsious(this is the reason, but i dont know where it came from or what event caused it. ) id like to know the root of the problem so i can solve it or find a way to solve it. i know i want to do art as a career.... but something is hindering it BADLY. just typing all of this down to rationalize things in my head. i wish i could overcome this already.