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He stood in one place for a long while, staring down at the single, simple headstone at his feet. The brisk cool wind blew through his gold blonde hair, and almost froze the thin streaks of tears that slid down his face. They were quiet tears, one for every year he had known and loved this person that now lay beneath his feet, feeling somehow responsible for the early end to his life.

It wasn’t my intention to mislead you…
It never should have been this way…

Fallen leaves from the numerous cemetery trees flew across the smooth grass, sometimes stopping to pile against headstones or monuments, or to pause briefly at his black shoed feet. They flew into a cyclone around him, as if trying to reassure him, then flew off to their wind driven dance in a flurry of autumn crimson and gold. His eyes never left the name engraved in the smooth granite stone.

What can I say…
It’s true I did extend the invitation…
I never knew how long you’d stay…

‘William Jonas McKenzi’
‘Loving son, and husband’
‘We will miss you, Billy’

The dates were what really got him. The years 1980 to 2004. Billy had only been twenty-four years old when the disease he had carried finally took him. Almost a year after being diagnosed with it. He never stood a chance.

When you hear temptation call…
It’s your heart that takes…takes the fall…

He knew he shouldn’t feel responsible. Billy had chosen a lifestyle that was much different than his own, much different than when they had started out. He had warned him against the drugs, alcohol, and wild flings, but lived with the outlook that it was not his life, and he had no real right to interfere. After all, he too had tried all those things, and he’d be a hypocrite in saying anything. He should have listened to his inner voices. He knew that now.

Won’t you come out and play with me?
Step by step, heart to heart, left right left…
We all fall down like toy soldiers…

His mind wandered back in time, to when he had first met little Billy McKenzi. They had hit it off right away, and from that day on, they were best friends. They had bonded in such a way that they almost could read the other’s mind, and jokingly did so at every opportunity. They had grown up together, got through school together, and even had ‘come out’ together. They had even found their first lovers in themselves. They parted ways after high school, he heading for the other coast, Billy staying in California. He had eventually found the love of his life and even married him. Not a legal bond, of course, but he was that devoted to him. Then, they had fallen out of touch for a while. That is, until he had gotten the letter from Marco, Billy’s husband.

Bit by bit, torn apart, we never win…
But the battle wages on for toy soldiers…

Billy had been diagnosed with full blown AIDS, a disease greatly feared by the entirety of the gay community.

Another tear slipped down his cheek, and he ignored its cold track down his face.

He had contracted it through a shared needle, and he was painfully aware that Billy had never given up his old friend heroine. The doctors put him on the ‘cocktail’, and had told him that he probably had a little less than two years to live. That was earlier this year. Billy hadn’t even gotten to see his last Christmas.

It’s getting hard to wake up in the morning…
My head is spinning constantly…
How can it be…

Another bold fall wind blew into him, and he pulled his long black coat closer around him absently. A fresh wave of tears sprung in his bright green and gold eyes, and tore loose to disappear into the wind. He never even noticed.

How could I be so blind to this addiction…
If I don’t stop, the next one’s going to be me…

He was the one that got Billy out of his shell, shoved him into the light and out into the world. He was responsible for getting him to accept himself as a gay man, and encouraged him to explore it. He had passed him his first joint, and his first shot of stolen rum. He was the one that started it all, but he ended it for himself. He should have ended it for Billy. Billy never was as strong as he was.

Only emptiness remains…
It replaces all…all the pain…

And now, his best friend, first lover, and confidant was gone. Gone forever, because he didn’t do anything to stop the downward spiral. He was empty inside except for the guilt, and anger at himself. He shouldn’t be mourning the loss of his ‘adopted’ brother. He should have been getting ready to celebrate Thanksgiving with him, and later on, Christmas. Billy had only seen snow once, and was looking forward to seeing it again. But not now…

Won’t you come out and play with me?

Shay finally wiped his face dry with the sleeve of his coat, sniffing back the others that were trying to fall free. Leaving a gentle kiss on its silken petals, he knelt down in front of Billy’s headstone, and placed the single yellow rose he had been holding at its base where the wind wouldn’t take it away. It stood out against the freshly churned earth like a single yellow star. It made him feel even more lonely. His eyes went back to the carefully engraved text in the smooth stone face, and swallowed a hard lump before raising a fisted hand over it. A warm, but somehow subdued, light engulfed it, and made his hand tingle almost painfully. Normally, Shay would have reveled in the power that his Lightest abilities gave him, but not today. Today’s task held no room for such feeling. Extending his index finger, the warm light fled to its tip, and began to glow in a stronger concentration. Carefully, along the base under the lighter color granite, he began to trace out letters. He worked slowly, willing them to come out perfectly, until his message was finished. He dropped the power from his hand and wiped away the fresh tears, and bowed his head so his chin rested on his chest.

“I love you buddy. I never got the chance to tell you that, but I do. Now, then, forever. Rest easy, my friend. I’ll miss you.” He kissed the tips of his fingers and pressed them to the newly added wording, and rose from his knees. Giving the headstone one last look, he turned and walked away, back to his car and back to his life, not looking back once.

Step by step, heart to heart, left right left,
We all fall down like toy soldiers…

The headstone now read:

‘William Jonas McKenzi’
‘Loving son and husband’
‘We will miss you, Billy’
1980-2004

And then under it, in letters so small that they would first be unnoticed, was the motto they had chosen to live their lives around:

‘now, then, forever, our path is true’

The roar of a Mustang’s engine echoed over the cemetery and quickly faded into the darkening evening, leaving it peacefully quiet once again.

Bit by bit, torn apart, we never win.
But the battle wages on for toy soldiers…



‘Toy Soldiers’ lyrics are copyright of Martika