Freshman year in high school seems to determine everything that will happen while you attend the school. Cliques, grades, fashion, labels and even music taste seems to group the fresh meat for easier targeting. I know it did for me. I arrived to O.F.'s high school hoping for a fresh start; little did I know that my fate had something else in mind.
The dark closet was now a bright, opened door in life. I had my realization of sexual preference...I was bi-sexual. My life changing "change" didn't happen until later in the school year, but that didn't seem to matter. I was still talked about and ignored as if I were a new student, a new victim to teenagers' cruelty.
I was working with a group of students on an experiment when the question smacked me in the face. "Hey Julie! Are you bi? 'Cause your info on MySpace says so." My so-called friend yells to me as she takes a seat next to me. (I didn't want to go through everyone having to ask me, "Hey are you bi-sexual or what?" So in hopes no one would ask me, I did that fastest thing for everyone to find out...post it on the internet.) The table fell silent from her sudden outburst. My face flushes as I look down at the table. It was only a few days since my decision.
"W-why do you have to yell that?" I asked as I looked at her from the corner of my eye, trying to break the awkward silence.
"Well, I was just wondering and all. So, um, what's the experiment we're suppose to be doing?" My "friend" tries to act more like herself as she grabs her packet and pretends to read the next step. The table returns their attention back to the experiment, leaving me to stare at my own packet silently.
She leans in closer, as if to read my answers, and quietly asks, "Well, are you?" I was astonished that she was still pressuring the matter on me.So I nodded as I glanced and saw her eyes widen. Seeing this frightened me, I didn't know what to think of it. Was this a good or bad sign? Was she not going to be my friend in fear I might try to hit on her? (Even if she wasn't acting like a real friend, I still worried.) So to get my mind off the matter, I grabbed my packet and began writing in answers, hoping I could get to my seat sooner. Others who were at the table saw me writing and quickly asked for the answers. Since I wanted to get back to my seat sooner, I told the group a little bit of my answer, ensuring them that I was correct. Once everyone was caught up, I scurried back to my seat and put my head down in embarrassment.
'Why was this bugging me so much? Its my personal choice and business. But...what if I do loose my friends?' The teacher's sudden announcement telling us to work on the next lab broke my train of thoughts. I look up to see her instructing the class to get back in their original groups. "Yay..." I mumble under my breathe, reaching once again for my pencil and packet. I make my way across the room, dreading what might be said. Was I ever right dreading going back to my original group. She didn't stop talking about me.
"Hey, you know something?" my "friend" asks another student. I look away, trying to focus on the experiment and the help the teacher was giving our group. My gut was twisting with my thoughts of what she might say.
"I know a lot of things, but what?" the student replies.
"Well, its about Julie..." She trails off as they both glance in my direction.
"So, you mean the water is not suppose to bubble over?" I ask, acting like I couldn't hear them. the teacher nodded with a smile on her face, glad I was understanding the experiment. I take a few steps over to the sink to dump some of the water when the teacher walked away. I make my way back to the group and start working on the experiment again.
"Julie?! Oh my god, what happened?!" The student quickly asked with wide eyes, expecting great gossip.
"Well...she..um..." She trailed off, but instantly grabbed her pencil and started writing 'went bi' on the table with her eraser.
"Nu-uh! Really? She doesn't look like she would go like that though." The student gushes at the news as she looks at me.
I look back in their direction and ask, "Hey did you guys get all of that? The experiment's done and class is over in a minute." I glance at each of their flushed faces. They quickly nodded and grabbed their packets before heading to their seats. I gather my belongings and walk back to my seat. The bell rings and I make my way toward the door.
Another student taps my should to get my attention. His smile caught me off guard, as I thought it was her. "Hey, are you going back to class after you go to your locker?" This student asks as we walk down the hall to our locker section.
"Oh, hey. No I can't I have an essay I have to finish before tenth period. but maybe tomorrow." My voice was low as you could hear the sadness in it.
The student stops walking and stares at me while I fiddle with my lock. "Are you alright?" He asks, with his normal caring attitude.
"Yeah, I'm just stressing over all the homework I have to do." I wasn't entirely lying, and I just didn't want to deal with anymore questioning. the student nods and waves goodbye as we part in different directions.
The day continues with me barely saying a word except answering questions in class, when I was paying attention. No one notices that I was in fact not okay. This then brought more thoughts to my attention. But I figure its me over reacting.
The next day comes around and I enter it with curiousness. Is she going to act normal, or is she going to back away? I soon found out that she was in the middle of my thoughts. She tried being herself but she could stop from trying to focus on me, to see if anything changed. I start to stress less and not pay much attention to her actions.
Even though my friends know and don't (for the most part) treat me any differently, I'm not quite sure how m,y family will take this. I'm hoping that GSA will be able to help me build my confidence and tell them. This way I won't have to be in the dark about stuff. So in closing, GSA will be a good way to help other students and I with these related topics.
Serrania Community Member 
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