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Alright, I know no one will read this and frankly that's good news. This is just a space that I can post and freak out. Why use the internet instead of a pen and paper? To be frank, I type faster and more effeciently.
OKAY!
A week ago, when I was naked with my boyfriend, I played with him and put his little man close to me. A bit TOO close. I doubt anything happened. I had been on the pill for 2.5 weeks but the doctor said it would take effect after a month though the website said it would work after a week. he didn't c**, just a bit of precum on the outside of my "la la la"
I freaked out later, disgusted in my stupidity but wait, NO it doesn't stop.
I litererally did it AGAIN! OMG i'm a ********. I will NEVER do it again. Though he has only precumed it's jsut so risky. I could be pragnant right now. I'm waiting for a period but heck, it's like watching a ticking clock that's moving backwards. I've never been so nervous in my life and i've never felt so stupid.
I used to be a SMART girl. Where did she go? What did I do with her? Did I kill her? I think so.
I can't be pragnant. I have so much going for me, and I don't want to throw it all down the pee hole on two (Idiodically YES two) stupid moves. I know I've been a screw up this year, I have pushed boundaries and trust lines, so though I may deserve a pragnancy as punishment, I don't think it'd be nessesary. The baby would be either aborted or brought up into a horrible life style. I would be a horrible mother.
Oh god, I can't believe it. It can't happen, can it? It was only pre-c** on the outside of my v****a, and I was on the pill for a good 3 weeks by the second one which is the only concerning one. The first one wasn't as close.
GOD i'm an idiot. I don't blame my boyfriend because this is all my doing in stupid horny-ness. Am I a freak? a dillusional dingbat? Probably the second.
I am so upset inside. I haven't shed a tear but it's just a lingering thought. I could have just ruined my life and not only mine, my boyfriend's. Sure, we could have a darling kid but what kind of life would it live?
Omg I'm thinking ahead. I might not even be pragnant!! I need a test, a brain... anything useful.
Most of all, I need to clear my head. And this rant has helped me with that. I'm furious with myself and to be honest, I feel better.
If you are a listener, thank you, and judge me all you want because I deserve it. You may leave a comment but to be honest, it might be best if I didn't know you stopped by.
I want to thank you for listening, being my invisible shoulder to cry on.
I believe I'll conclude this, read it through and try to reasure myself once again.
 Sticky Mango Face · Tue Feb 13, 2007 @ 04:02am · 0 Comments |
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It's not exactly gloomy but the world seems to fade and turn gray during the winter months. Is it just me or are we shaping into a world that seems to change during the weather? Are the the flowers in the evening that lean towards the west where the sun is setting? Once the setting sun decends are we the flowers that just sit and pout until the welcoming sun arises again?
I feel like everyone lets themselves get upset easily during the winter. Why? I wouldn't know. Hair fades to more pale colors, skin becomes pale, and spirits die. Emo? I think so. I would like to warm their souls and start something a bit more cheerful.
Hosting a Christmas Party should be a good way to start. I can't wait to see everyone there, smiling. I want a bath now. Don't you just feel that uncommon impulse to bathe? It's occuring right now.
Ta ta lovelies.
Sticky Mango Face · Fri Dec 01, 2006 @ 03:47am · 1 Comments |
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Well, tomorrow is basically the day all humain kind is wipped out. Or so all the heavy duty goths and christians say. Personally, i think all the little goth children are going to get to gether and chant, cause vandalism ect. Nothing will happen, so they will all sit down and cry.
Devil didn't come? maybe he just doesn't love you little goth children as much as you think he does. evil
Sticky Mango Face · Mon Jun 05, 2006 @ 03:49pm · 1 Comments |
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Every year there is a sunfest Paraid where i live. Basically my friends went in the day time and had a blast. I stayed at home on the computer (i know, i'm such a retard xp ) but at five, My dad drove me over to Diane's (good good friend of mine) and first thing she said was "LOOK AT MY BOOB" i quickly looked away, covered my eyes and almost fell on my shoes. But diane did that because she has a NEW tattoo! It'll come off in about 10 days but it's soo cool. There's a picture of if it her profile if any of you are interested (she's Purple.Flaminga)
So i go upstairs to find Nikolle who's watching silent hill for Johny Depp is in it... And i convince Diane that we should go on the computer (i know... RETARD) so we did for a BIT until Paul came. Now.. none of you know Paul but he is the most FANTASTIC BISEXUAL MAN EVER and i'm sad that I only get to see him a bit of the time. sad because he's trying to get this other guy to like him and it's this complicated story that i don't feel like explaining.
So the four of us set out to the local park to go swimming! I only went in waist deep at that time because it was FREEZING. We all quickly returned to change because Paul threw diane's hat into the water and diane chased after it but then she started to get "twitchy with anger" because she hated the way her hair was so we left to go fix it.
We came back at 7:30 and Paul convienced me to Jump off of the bridge over-going the large DEEP big area of water in our park. There are Spiders EVERYWHERE... as big as my cat xp (exaduration on my part) so i start to and i see a HUGE spider and i lose my grip and fall it.
It isn't a smart idea to go swimming in your jeans at 7:30pm.... for the sun is by now almost GONE and then your just a cold loser in the dark. So me and Paul Convienced Nikolle to allow us to go to her house and wear her p.j pants and meet her at Zucks (the island in our town...some call it haunted) So we ran there and back..nothing really special and Nikolle was so scared that she thought we were going to be rapped... she's such a nice friend! blaugh
We come back and meet Adam (Naud's crush) and He's brought a friend!!!!! His name was horhay and he was about 25 years old.. yes he's OLDER then me... but that didn't change the idea that I thought he was HOT redface And he actually had an interesting personality so it was a fun evening. We set up some blankets and watched fireworks and when that was over it was like 10:30pm.
Then My dad drove me and Paul home!!!! IT WAS SUCH A GOOD DAY!!!!!
so i wrote it down so i would never forget! mrgreen
Sticky Mango Face · Sun Jun 04, 2006 @ 03:36pm · 2 Comments |
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My oldest sister graded today! I'm so happy for her! She won 2 scholerships and she's applyed and accepted into a college that's close to our house. I felt so happy for her but near the end of the today i wanted to cry. I realize how much i'm going to miss her when she leaves.
She's always been there for me, she's always been a good listoner. I always try to be the listoner to my friends but near the end of the day i found that I never had anyone to liston to me (like really liston... not just intake it and change the subject) and that was her.
I love her so much, I'm so happy she'll be staying at home for another year. Another year of watching cartoons even though we're both over 14 years old. Another year of going out to D.Q. everytime a boy breaks our hearts. Another year of compliments, hugs, and... no... i'd never let her kiss me. MWAHAHAHA. I'm such an evil sister.
ONCE SHE'S GONE I'M STUCK WITH JILLIAN gonk (my younger sister)
so this is a thanks. Rosanna Stevens, thank you for always being here for me... even though there is 99% chance you wont read this, it helps me feel more acceptance knowing i'll be able to reflect on this.
Sticky Mango Face · Sun May 28, 2006 @ 01:46am · 3 Comments |
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I always enjoy my computer time. I don't mind being on for an obsessive amount, but when my friends all want to be on 24 hours throughout the entire sleepover... i tend to get bored.
I'm not going to say anything behind anyone's back, i'm just going to think this over while I view people's profiles.
Sticky Mango Face · Sat May 20, 2006 @ 09:16pm · 2 Comments |
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Well, dont' you hate that feeling where you come home and all you want to do is sleep? But your mom comes and says "GET READY FOR PIANO!" and you feel like you could stand for one more activity but that would be the maximum. Then she says "Don't forget your softball stuff! you have a game after the lesson" gonk
I sometimes feel like my days are unbalanced. I'm sitting around with nothing to do on the weekends, and yet when the school days come by i'm overworked. Write this, catch that ball, clip those nails, practise practise practise, you look like hell today ect.
And a little bit of stress is comming from a certain indevidual. He has no clue that I have been paying a lot of attention towards him (as creepy as that sounds). It's silly. I want to talk to him, i can talk to almost everyone but when it's someone i want to make a good impression with I freeze up.
Tomorrow i'm going to talk to him! better comming off as an a** then a nobody right?
Sticky Mango Face · Fri May 19, 2006 @ 01:00am · 2 Comments |
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Well, it's been a while since i've changed my avi's appearance. I'm actually pretty close to were i want to be.
I just need an ice whip and a muskateer hat. I'm close to the hat and after that, a whip is nothing. Then i'll be quite content for a LOOOONG time. biggrin
Sticky Mango Face · Fri May 05, 2006 @ 03:53pm · 0 Comments |
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