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i found some jokes and i love putting junk in my journal so heres some...
1.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Criminal~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband whispers to his wife, "Listen this guy's an escaped convict - look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you, too."
2.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~The Operation~~~~~~~~~~
After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.
He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. naturally, the guy began to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."
3.Last night, my friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club.
One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a 10 note.
When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the 10 note and stuck it to his butt cheek!
Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a 20 note.
She called the guy back, licks the 20 note, and sticks it to his other butt cheek.
In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulls out a 50 note and calls the guy over, and licks the 50 note.
I'm worried about the way things are going, but fortunately, she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again.
My relief was short-lived. Seeing the way things are going, the guy gyrates over to me!!!
Now everyone's attention is focused on me, and the guy is egging me on to try to top the 50 note.
My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet.....what could I do??
The woman in me took over!
I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his butt, grabbed the eighty bucks, and went home!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~Top 10 Dog Peeves About Humans~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1. Blaming your farts on me... not funny... not funny at all!
2. Yelling at me for barking. I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG, YOU IDIOT!
3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?
4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose ... stop it!
5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.
6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo, what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.
7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!
8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.
9. Dog sweaters. Hello? Haven't you noticed the fur?
And last but definitely not least
10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the
truth, you're just jealous.
maybe more later...
 mcdadais · Wed Jan 18, 2006 @ 09:51pm · 0 Comments |
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