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April 5, 2011

From the time I was a little girl, up until now, I have never felt like I belonged anywhere on this earth. I have tried many times to end it all, and failed every time. Today's near attempt has been the worst. I have pushed everyone but the crazy man I love away. I thank whoever the creator of this hell called earth is for giving me Allen Frances Hoefler. He talked me out of what I wanted to do. You see I had a plan and I had already started executing it. I was writing goodbyes to everyone that I felt should get them. I wrote to James, my step father, Mom, Dad, Aunt Brooke, Papaw, Allen, and Mammy. I finished all the way to Allen, but when I got to his I stopped. At the time I was also on skype speaking to him. He helped me to decide to just throw the pills away and to not end my life. I had two Sudafed PE, a Benadry Allergy, and two Benadryl Cold and Allergy to help me sleep. I had my favorite drink Diet Dr. Pepper sitting infront of me. Infact it still is sitting here. On my messy, and very cluttered desk. I am not proud of how low I have sunken. I planned on making myself nice before I did it. I got up this morning and took a bath and washed my hair. I reapplied my acrylic nails that had come off in the tub, and dressed nice. I was going to curl my hair but decided I didn't want to take the time. At the time I just wanted to make everything better. Suicide was the only thing I could think of doing to make it all better. No one would have to worry about taking me to therapy anymore, or worrying about how they were going to get my stuff to Georgia. I will graduate on May 21, 2011. I almost threw 12 years of school away for nothing. I know so far I have jsut thanked Allen for helping me, but I should also thank Mammy. Though what she said today was what pushed me over the edge, she did it out of love, not knowing what I was planning on doing. I told her that I planned on making everything better, and she said that was all that she wanted. She did not know that I had the five pills in my purse waiting for me to call upon their expired strengths. I don't know if my attempt would have worked. It would have been a nice way to go I know that. I would have gone to sleep and wouldn't have woken up. I would have no longer been a burden to others and to myself. I want to apoligise to everyone that I hurt, I have a little book that I began writing all my apoligies to everyone in. This is what I wrote:

James,
I am sorry for yelling at you as much as I did.

Papaw,
I'm sorry I made you uncomfortable around me.

Dad,
I'm sorry I wasn't a good daughter.

Mom,
I'm sorry I wasn't much help when you needed me.

Brooke,
I'm sorry for all the money you spent on me that's going to waste.

It was after Brooke's that I deciced not to end it all:

Allen <3,
I love you

Mammy,
While I was writing these I had a horrible plan in my head.. I was going to make everything better by killing myself. I didn't want to keep hurting everyone. I know I don't belong here in a home where I don't appreciate anything that's done for me.

I stopped writing after that and decided to type this instead. To whoever does read this, you probably think I am a loon and should be locked up. The whole entire time that I wrote and talked, I was scared. I didn't really want to kill myself but it was the only thing I could think to do at that point. No one should ever let themselves reach the low point that I did. Now I want to say thank you to everyone that helps me to keep going, Carter, Ainsley, Emma, Mom, Dad, Aunt Brooke, Grandma Doty, James, Carol, Allen, Papaw, Monica, Cherry, and most importantly, Mammy. Without all of you I would be 6 feet under after today.