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I guess the last journal entry was a false alarm.

hooray for premature hope.

Next month i guess. neutral

My husby is so close to being here now i cant sleep.
every time i go to sleep i keep thinknig about getting to see him and getting to love him and have him again and all the great things i wanna do with him and for him and tell him how much i love him. and my brain is just all fired up and jumping and my heart is always racing when i think about it and if eel like i just drunk alot of coffe and eeeeee!
I cant wait! heart heart heart blaugh blaugh blaugh 4laugh 4laugh 4laugh

it was another constircion / i cant move dream. this time i dreamed i didnt know wehre the hell i was. Well i dreamed i went to bed in this really scary house or something like this i dont know what it was but i could feel there were bad and scary things all around me. Anyway i went to sleep, or at least tried to an di realized while i was there that i was too afraid to sleep by myself. I kept hearing voices and having bad feelings. I tried to find pablo but he wasnt around (in spain) so i tried to find my mom. I called for her and i screamed for her but she wasnt coming. I realized then i didnt know where i as. I mean whenever i would open my eyes i was some wehre new and like the last one i couldnt ove at all.i mean i was stuck in my bed with the bad voices and bad feelings and bad dreams and i hated it. I mean when i thought i was home i would scream for my mom but theni realied taht was wrong. soi would scream for misong, but she wouldnt come, or i would scream for someone from work, or pablo or just anyone. and sometimes when i opened my eyes id be in a room or in a place i dont know adn there would be people i dont know, or even people that looked like me or peiple i dont know that i thought were me :S And there were all doing thins i didnt like and when i tried to talk to them either they couldnt hear me or i got thrown back into my bed and i had to shut up. I hate not being aboe to move or wake up wheni know i am dreaming.
its so frustrating and scary.
I dont know why im starting to have more scary and disturbing dreams sad

cry


also well i mean i just woke up its 330am.
im gunnna ttry to sleep again sad but i hope no more devils and bad things enter my head this time. Also i might be asleep right now.. who knows surprised

byes.

I wish i was more motivated to write in this thing.
It seems an awful big waste neutral

aaaaah i had a bad dreaaaaam!!
i had a dream i was shopping with isong only she was some white blond girl but the same girl underneath u know and we were shopping in the wallmart and she started talking about buying a table orsomething and some chairs and when we got home my dad was in the house (we lived in a tiny house) and he was moving around furniture and stuff and removing my tables and stuff and then m isong started breaking them and i got mad and stuff and i said "WHT THE HELL ARE U GUYS DOING??! Why are you breaking MY stuff?! And why are YOU helping her? (to my dad)" Then they started saying well misong said she didnt like it so im here to help her change it or something
then they both started making fun of me and saying some hurtful things
and theni started to get mad and i was screamingat them and then i started yelling at my dad like i told him why are you doing this to me and then i started screaming about how come he never comes and helps me and why he didnt call me before he came or how come he never tells em aything or ever wants to spend any time with me or all this stff and he just started laughign at me and i was so mad i reached out and i slapped him. like i slapped him so hard. then he started laughing at me mre and said like "OOOOOOOOOH Is that the best u have? Youre never good at what u do? You call that a slap! Come on! DO IT AGAIN! TRY HARDER ********!" So i kept hitting him and hitting him but everytime i hit himhe would laugh more and more and i would get weaker and weaker and he would get bigger and bigger. like he was growing and i was just becoming tiny and usless. I could feel it was a dream so i kept telling myself to hit him harder and harder but i couldnt do it. Finally I fell down, but like i fell into my bed. the one i was sleeping in for real at this moment. And my eyes were open buti could still hear my dad laughing andmisong talkking and then they started to talk to each other. i dont know exactly what about.
i just heard them like blah blah blah in the back ground then i was so upset i said i just want to leave .
So this is when the other weird part of my dream started surprised
I was in my bed and like i was awake because my eyes were open and i could see everything but i was still asleep becaue i could still hear them and i couldnt move. like i was stuck. my body was broken. so then i said if you cant move your body move whatever is inside of you body. So even though i wasnt moving, i started moving... do u understand what i mean?
Like I started turning around and rolling in my bed back and forth and i was getting the blankets all wrapped around me and then unwrapped and then i was up against the wall with the blankets around me..... only i hadnt actually moved anywhere. i was stil exactly in the same spot. like i could feel me moving without acually moving. that. Well soi was up against the wall (but actually just on my bed) and i started screaming. and screaming. and SCREAMING. Like it was soooo loud but because i was half dreaming half awake i realized what i was doing but i couldnt stop so instead, i made it louder. Like i thought if i cant wake up to stop myself if i can make it louder someone will come in and wake me up for me. So i screamed sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo loud it sounded like a siren. but no one came. then i realized surprised i actually wasnt making any noise redface All the noise was coming from my head. I got really frustrated and i put everything i had into it. like i screamed with my whole body and finallyl, the awake me made this pathetic like murmle waaahhha sound. that wasnt that loud hahahaha. was like when u hear someone talkign in their sleep. just bluuuuuhhh or mwwwwaaap or something dumb hahahaha. when in my head i was furiously screaming my lungs out. after i make the sound from my actual body suddenly i was more awake and i realized i wasnt in the corner of my bed beside the wall, but i was still in the same ******** spot scream staring at the shelf in my room like i was 10 minutes ago.
This is really frustrating for me. well actually i have this kind of dream alot.
But still i cant move sad Sooo i think well if i cant move sideways maybe i can move up. so i tried to force myself to sit up and i push push push push push and i was barely moving. so i gave it one HUGE PUSH and whooooooooosh i just flew up. like i flew out of my bed and toward the ceiling rolleyes
Then i realized i wasnt going to stop flying up cause i pushed too hard so i was ******** ******** ******** ******** ******** and i was gunna hit the ceiling gonk so i started flailing around like an idiot and i started falling. Then i could see the shelf again like the one that the awake part of me was looking at so i thought i must be safe again but then i start to feel going up again so i tell myself wake up wake up wake up wake up
so i woke up
BUT!
I was still stuck!
HOLY ********!! Its like i just couldnt move!!!!!! crying
******** dream paralysis. So I was stuck and i couldnt move my body and i was gettnig mroe and more frustrated with all of this stupid stuff so finally i said if i cant go sideways and i cant go up ******** im crawling out.
Sooooo now this part is a little funny. I started crawling out of me. Like i started crawling out of the top of my head. Its a little hard to explain. like there is me awake but not moving me on the bed, facing the shelf, and sleeping mad me half in and half out of me and on the floor. like i had to pull myself across the floor with my arms cuz my legs were still in my head hahahaha so i was pulling and grunting but it was akward and then (STUPID MESSY ME!) I fell on my laundry basket and i got stuck stressed so im all huff puff huff puff ********! Nothing is working. I cant ******** getr out of this bed ever!!!
Then I got so mad. like madder than the other two times and i just told myself WAKE THE ******** UP RIGHT NOW IM PRETTY SICK OF THIS!
So then i realize my eyes are still open and im still looking at this shelf. And even tho i still cant move like the sleeping me starts screaming at the awake me move your ******** hand!!!
so im pushing and pushing and pushing and i can feel all the... stuf... i dunno. the stuff inside my hand and body? Liek the muscles and nerves and stuff. I can feel it and im trying to move it. like if i can pick it up and slap myself hahahaha maybe i will wake p.
So after so much struggle FINALLY I managed to move my hand. i just like.. .threw it off my side and onto the bd. and as ssoon as i did that the awake part of me like, shot up. i dunno. like u know when u are holding something underwater and it keeps wtsanting to float to the top? like a ball or something. and u keep holding it and holding it and when u finally let go of it, it shoots up so hard and so fast that it just breaks through the water and is in the air for a second before it hits the water again. U know what im talking aboout???? Well thats exactly how it feels when i wake up from dreams like this. like im held underwater and then finally i can WHOOSH! Spring up and as soon as i break through the water im awake. Thats the best way i can describe it and its actually pretty accurate.
so i spring awake and i like throw the covers off me. and i look around and its like ******** ME!
hahaha well it was weird.
So i jumped out of bed and sat down here as fast as i could incase i fell back asleep.
I Haaaaaaaaaaate stuff like that!!! crying

so i woke up scared and hot and mad and alone sad

i never wanna nap again cry

I have the week off school!!!
I wanna make some mischief... but I know all I will do is sleep late eat natchos and go to work sweatdrop neutral
Life is better with my partner in crime heart heart

Im poor.
But I have a new computer.


PS HURRY UP AND GET HERE! scream
you know who you are pirate heart heart pirate <- scary pirate love

rofl rofl
Well I think I will be more excited if i wasnt so worried about exams gonk

Ill see London
Ive seen France
And soon Ill see Sexy in his underpants surprised


rofl


21- The year of awsome vacations and cool new beginings. pirate