Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

1st entry...
Feb 14/06
This day personally makes me sick. I've never had a lover. I have no idea what all the fuss is about. I look at others and how they can be happy--bursting with love for someone--and then suddenly be crushed beyond saving from the "cold" heart of the one person they loved.
"What's the point?" I ask myself over and over. Teenage love isn't really love at all. You go to a movie. Maybe you steal a quick peck on the cheek. But is it really the romance and commitment we're all looking for? Sooner rather than later one is telling the other, "It's over." Or the imfamous: "It's not you, it's me." Or, "I'd rather stay friends. That's OK with you, right?"
BLECH.
I'd rather be spared the false emotion. I don't want to waste my time. If I need love, it will find me.
But I always get a pang of jealously or remorse when I see a couple walk down the hall.
"What am I doing wrong?" I'd think. "Do guys really ignore me? Am I really that ugly of a person?"
Of course, I know--or hope--that the answer is no. I don't care as much as I used to. Some might find me cold-hearted; I have never had a REAL crush on a guy. I'm just not interested because I don't want to take the false commitment.

Valentine's Day--to me--is a day to sit back and watch other people's lives unfold--take the turn.