I hang out with my friends, well not so much recently, because they aren't the friends I thought they were. But even when I’m with them I’m smiling, laughing, & enjoying myself. But I’m so lonely I want to cry sometimes. I’ve been drinking more, to the point where I’m blacking out and can’t remember. I’m acting like an a*****e, a child, & I embarrass myself without realizing it. I’ve been saying things when I’m drunk that make me look, seem, & come off like a slut, which I’m not at all. I haven’t done anything with anyone that could make me a slut or a whore. But just the fact that I’m saying these things makes me feel so stupid and gross cause I’m not the type of girl who just sleeps with guys just because they can or for fun.Not saying that there’s anything wrong with that, I just can’t do that.
I enjoy the fact that I don’t have the stress of ex’s around me anymore. It makes me less anxious and helps me breath knowing I don’t have to deal with that pain anymore. I went through it too much and I don’t deserve it, not after what I went through for them. I enjoy my time alone reading and watching netflix, or painting my nails or just lounging around. But now I find myself not paying attention as much to anything and just stare. I tell myself I’m happy and that things will get better, but they haven’t and I don’t know how to deal with it.
I enjoy people being around me & time to myself. That’s one of the reason’s why I was so frustrated with my ex’s be cause they always wanted to be with me and I never got time to myself. Even when I tried explaining it, it still wasn’t enough. I’m happy how things are now, but I’m also sad because I don’t have as strong a connection with anyone in an intimate way. If that makes sense? I’m not talking about sex wise or anything like that, but just someone I can talk to about anything or when I’m upset and wanna cry that I can go to and they’d just be there. Someone who would literally just hold me or give me a hug and tell me it’s okay to cry or feel this way and that as much as it feels like it won’t, things will get better. I know I sound really stupid and pathetic right now but I can’t help it, I just don’t know what to do to get through feeling this way.
I thought writing again would help take the feelings away or maybe dull them a little. But whenever I sit down to write I can’t even focus because there’s so much going on in my head I don’t even know where to start. So I can’t even do that, I’ve thankfully thrown myself into my books. I even started re-reading my old ones I loved so much. But even that only holds my attention for so long. I hate feeling the way I do because it’s not who I am. I hate waking up and not wanting to get out of bed some days. I hate the heavy feeling I have in my chest day after day. I hate wanting to just breakdown and cry when I know it wont change a thing. So what can I do? How can I get myself past this?
 Kanato · Sun Oct 12, 2014 @ 05:38am · 0 Comments |
