but i just feel like im going to implode and i just need to write it all out
i'm generally a really private person and I don't like people to see me like this
so if it makes you uncomfortable please just move on and forget about it
A lot of people don't know this, but I come from a pretty emotionally and verbally abusive home. Having a place to sleep and food to eat was often held over my head as collateral to get me to do things I didn't want to do. Initially I never wanted to go into political science, but because it was what my parents wanted for me, it was either go into this major or not have a place to live. And despite the house being a horribly toxic environment, it was a warm place to sleep at night and a family that 'loved' me. Fast forward to my third year and I am severely stressed to the point of my health rapidly deteriorating. My only choice for both me and my gpa to not suffer is to medically withdraw from the semester. It's cold and snowing - really awful weather and like a week or two before Christmas. Upon breaking the news to my parents, I'm told that I'm not welcome home. When semester break comes around, I have nowhere to go. A kind woman that owns the local chinese take out place let's me squat at a building she's having redone. I use the last of my cash to buy two big tins of roasted peanuts from the clearance rack of a grocery store, and I stretch those ******** peanuts until I'm able to pick up small odd jobs at local places. My mother calls me and says that I can come back home if I formally apologize and write up a contract. Apologize for what? For getting pneumonia? I apologized when it happened. I spent Christmas pressed up against a thermostat in a dingy building with my ******** pathetic tin of peanuts, blaming myself for being sick and not being good enough to make it through the semester so I could be at home in my bed. I caved in a few days. I lied out my teeth, told them what they wanted to hear, begged them to let me come home and went back there like an idiot. I got to my house at like 3am and my house key didn't work. They had changed the locks. I sleep in my car until someone is up to let me in. It's pretty much the emotional hell I remember.
This happens twice more. The same vicious cycle of me doing something that is not 100% perfect and getting kicked out for it (with them changing the locks each time - for added dramatic value and driving the knife further into my back). I started to develop the habit of never unpacking my car, since I never knew when they'd get tired of me and kick me out on my a** again. This past final time I've been pretty okay. I have my campus apartment that is paid for so I have a place to stay. But I'm set to graduate in May. My mother's new favorite passtime is messaging me out of the blue with things like 'you better have a plan, you don't have us anymore', 'you're on the streets if you don't get your act together', 'this is you and your mouth's fault', etc. All attempts to try to rationally explain my side of this whole thing and how they make me feel like absolute s**t is always met with defensiveness and turning it onto me 'don't put words in my mouth', 'you need help, not us', 'if you feel that bad about yourself you should get counseling', etc.
I've been great, It's been like radio silence. Sure the odd text from her but nothing explosive. This day was going great and then she messaged me out of the blue and went on one of her tirades. (she 'allowed' me to keep my phone line despite it being incredibly inconvenient for her, but said she would get rid of it if i ever didn't respond to her messages so I can't ignore her if I want a functional phone - something I need for job searching and things like that @@) about how it's my fault that i don't have a home or a family and that no one wants me. and I'm just so stressed out. I barely sleep anymore, I barely eat anymore, I am /BARELY/ hanging in there. Today the last ******** I give just flew out the ******** window and I'm looking for jobs overseas and just to get out. Because even tho the small part of me just wants to roll over and give in, I'm not going back to that hellhole, I'm not apologizing to my abusers for being abused. I need to just end this chapter and burn this book and start completely new but it's hard and I'm really struggling.
I try to keep on a happy and carefree face and be funny and act like nothing is happening and that everything is great, but it's s**t. and idk what to do with myself. I feel like if i let it out and show people that i'm sad, they won't want to have anything to do with me. i've just been wound up so tightly and not wanting to let anyone see me crack but i've just ******** shattered
