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I wonder what the most commonly told lie is? If I had to guess I would say: "I'm fine." would be it. I know it's my most common lie, even though I now only tell it to strangers. I don't know what happened exactly, but at a certain point I stopped trying to pretend I wasn't hurting, or maybe I just couldn't ignore it anymore. Anyway, I was never a good lair, not when it came to people that know me.
Ironically, I have a bit of a habit with lying. I used to constantly bend the truth to suit me, when telling a friend about a fight with someone else. Or while ranting to my mom about something that happened. I never liked to reveal the things that made me look bad. It is interesting to note that although I would go around lying to protect myself from other's disappointment, if they were angry with me for something that I hadn't done, or because of a detail that was false... I wouldn't correct them, I'd beg for forgiveness, or practically prostrate myself trying to atone. I can remember the first time I consciously decided to lie, I felt so guilty but I had done was tell my mom I had a good day at school when in reality I hadn't. I don't know why I lied, a part of me must have known that my mom didn't really want to hear I'd had a bad day. Or maybe she did and I was already falling into the pits of depression back in Kindergarten. It happens. Life Sucks. But why, if this is so universality recognized as a truth, why do I have to live? I wish I could just kill myself.
Now, before you get upset and start telling me about how much you don't want me to do it, and why I shouldn't, don't bother. I am NOT going to take my life.
Let me repeat my self.
I AM NOT GOING TO TAKE MY LIFE.
I will never attempt self harm, nor have I ever.
I will not, nor have I, attempted suicide.
I can't do that to my family and my friends. It would be cruel, another injustice of this world they have no control over, but I do. It's the one thing in this life I can do to spare pain from those I love.
I don't want your thanks. I don't want your praise, or complements. I can't take your attempts to motivate me or your attempts to tell me I want to live.
This is hard enough without all that s**t.
Don't think for a moment that having the strength to not kill myself to spare others means I have the strength to live. If my actions over the past year and a half have proven anything it is that I don't. I don't want to live, and I don't have the strength to change that.
Right now I living in the prison that is my families love. I feel suffocated by it and I just want the torture to end. But I know it wont. So I am alive, for them, not myself. I am existing off of borrowed power.
My mom, the person I am closest to, the person I love the most in this world, even though I shouldn't have favorites, I don't give a s**t about "shouldn't"s any more, is the one person who is the most painful to be around right now. She just keeps pushing me. Every word that leaves her mouth is just another push. Push. Push. PUSH. It's pissing me off and I don't know how much longer I can't take it before I lash out at her.
******** this, Im going to sleep.
 AlaceInPlunderland · Sat May 04, 2013 @ 10:34am · 0 Comments |
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