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sometimes i feel like just stopping to yell and scream at everything wrong. People ask me all the time, "how are you?" and i'll reply "good" or "okay" or some other witty remark. But realy i'm far from it. Sometimes i believe i have a companion that i can tell everything to and completely trust that no matter what i say or do, she'll love me, but that isnt so..at least it doesnt feel it..(please dont be sad, its just some venting...)
i feel like i take in the world's problems and my purpose in life is to deal with it for others and make their own lives better...thats what i want to believe...because it'd be a real waste if what i did never made a difference...
What really upsets me though, the reason of my writing this is for lack of reciprocation. I can make someone's dream's come true, but what about mine? can nobody help me? i know its probably my fault for never asking..but sometimes i'm the one in need of a hero...nobody steps up...and i go to bed... It hurts e more when people TRY to help me.. I really might as well do it myself. when i say that, its only for your benefit in not wasting time... I just wish sometimes i could open up more, that people would care to know me as me instead of the problem solver or just some nice guy..
I'm a fighter in spirit so i know i can take care of myself...but being a fighter, (and beast at inert points of me), i can only survive not thrive.
i can do what must be done and that is all..
I want someone to come up and sweep me off the ground and swear on their lives that everything they are will be everything i get, and that not even life and death could separate us, that our emotions are tied, that our bond will never break, that she will be there unyielding in her efforts for any task i need.. It hurts though...to ask for something..even when i really need it..i figure...if i deserve it, i'll get it. I'll work for it...That is a relationship. a mutual agreement between two people with a liking, offering themselves and all they can do to make the other one LIVE, not just survive. LIVING IS COMPLETE. It is the sun and the moon, the stars and the planets, the rose and the weeds. Which makes it beautiful. Magic it's called..
I share that with a very young, charming, blooming woman named Rachael.. and sometimes i feel she desserves more than me.. because i think she needs more of a man...someone who isnt afraid to ask for things he needs or wants...I'm a coward...
I know its not wrong of me to want something... but i feel like it is..
Rachael is plenty more than i could ever ask for...but i just wish she could hear my soul..hear me..see me..understand me... I'm not a little baby...but i'm still just a boy (aside from my religion)... And i need nurturing love, unconditional acceptance, and a willingness to open me up..I want to be broken down...so you can help me rebuild myself...to be someone else...less complicated...less weighted...
i'm sorry this is long...idk who would read this stuff anyways... but i know rachael is probably one of them...so let me just say i love you no matter what, Always and Forever...i'm sorry if you cried from this...i really am... and just so you know...these last 6 months have been the happiest and most cherished OF MY LIFE. i mean it. And i will never let you go...
I just wanted people to care about my complaints too...sorry...