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I really dont know where I went wrong, but things are falling apart around me, and nothing I do to fix them seems to help. I really just want to make things right.

After what I thought was a blissful summer for V and myself, he finally departed for home. When he left he was said, he said he loved me, and even wrote me little love messages with a black light pen so I had something to look at when I was lonely. Whatever happened between Aug 30th and now, I really dont know.

Suddenly he doesnt even want to talk to me. Apparently "everything say and do annoyies [him]". I just dont understand. If he was happy here, why hate me there? And if he wasnt happy here then why not spare me the pain and disrespect of dumping me online and just do it before he leaves, even if it's in the airport before he boards his flight. It would have been so much less painful that way, and definately less confusing.

All I want is a chance to make things right. I just want to talk to him once more IRL, even if it's just to be dumped in person, but at the moment, he wont even offer me that, even though I've voluinteered to fly there, so it's completely on my terms, and no expense to him.

I cant help but cry every time I remember "I love you forever" is in his handwriting on my monitor. How can he love me forever if I'm not even worth "good-bye" face to face?

40 days until Vorty is here again, but he's been so busy lately I just feel alone. I dont really see any of my friends anymore, and I'm out of college. Even my work contract is over, so I really have nothing to do. I wake up, wait for Vorty to get home, talk to Vorty until he goes to bed, read until I'm tired enough to sleep, and then repeat the process.

I played one of his new cds a few times today, it makes me feel a little better having a few of his things here. I guess it keeps me sane, I talk all the time of a boyfriend who's never here, it's just proof he exists and isnt some wonderful figment of my mine that will be robbed from me when I am forced to eventually face reality.

I just cant wait for him to be done his project so he finally has time to talk, and wont be so unhappy all the time. He's overworked, and far too stressed, and as much as I would like to fix that, there is really nothing I can do, except sit on the sidelines and help every chance I get.

At least I still remain to have one function in this process. I'm generally his sounding board when he needs to work through some ideas, or at least voice what's on his mind so he can have a clearer picture of what he's trying to work out.

I might be headed to a friend's house tomorrow afternoon or sunday, I cant remember which, I'll probably attend, but one person there really doesnt want me to go, and I hate sticking myself in situations of conflict, when it's just so much easier to stay home and avoid ever having to see her again. They made it sound like she would be gone by then, but I really dont know. What I dont get is why she would bother coming to see Vorty arrive when it's been greatly obvious to everyone for the longest time that she hates me. It is mildly entertaining that she refuses to come to parties as long as they're at my house. I'll have to hold a lot of gatherings over the summer.

But for now, I sit in my cold, lonely basement, waiting for warm arms to finally come back to me. I really dont know how long I can go on living like this. I may just drop post-secondary and move to where he is.. I really dont know how I'll afford that yet, but I know it really seems like the only option that would keep me happy. Like Al said: "Sometimes security isn't really a reason for staying, when a person is a reason for moving."

Here's life as it stands:

3 weeks left of college
71 days left till Vorty comes here
82% of the way to weight loss goal #1.
41% of the way to weight loss goal #2.
39.6% of the way to weight loss goal #3. (if you havent guess, goal three is significantly smaller than the first 2...

There is one thing I would really like to do right now, infact, my mind is stuck on it. I really want to go deep sea sport fishing. My goal in life is to reel in a Tuna. I would be in heaven doing that. The only problems, money, of course, and Vorty doesnt want to go. (huge downer, cause i kind of have my heart set on it, even though i have no idea how i'd get to Prince Edward Island).

Right now i'm trying to convince my parents that it would be an awesome activity, and that they should take Vorty and myself when they go visit the coast this summer, but my mom said no. So much for that idea... I really need to win the lottery or something so i can afford college and a private fishing charter ($300 - $500 canadian) i'd settle for public though! ($25/person), as long as i had the chance to battle with a tuna. sweatdrop

Vorty said he'd go to the gaian ball with me, i dont know where he is or why he didnt show, but i'm there alone, waiting for something bad to happen. crying oh well.

As for today, i went to an awesome succi lecture and found out later that my boss, who i had been telling for 2 weeks that i wanted to go to that and wasnt going to be in that day, kept asking where i was. I really do hate her, she doesnt remember anything i tell her, she's an idiot, we have the same conversations every single week. "so you're staying for half an hour?" "no. an hour, you have the times written wrong." not only that, she's made me late for classes on several occasions - up to half an hour late. I hate that woman, and i hate being alone. I miss Vorty crying

Back off! Get Your Own Sammich!

http://homepage.ntlworld.com/oneofthepowells/banners/vorty.jpg

I've been at work since 8:30 am, it is now 9:40am, and my boss still isnt here. I busied myself for the first while, asked her boss where she could be, and there is still no answer. I will be royally pissed if they know up front and no one bothered to tell me. I'm supposed to be working an 8 hour shift today, and I have no work to do, and I'll be damned if I'm going to go begging for jobs.

For the past little while I've been listening to music and studying, and It's me! I NEVER STUDY! So to be reduced to studying, you know it's bad. Time to go, work is here now. Love to Vorty, we'll talk soon I'm sure. Love lots.

This wont be a long entry, because I have to go study for my abnormal psych test tomorrow, which i should have studied for by now sweatdrop but, it has to be said.

I love Vorty, and have been lucky enough to have been his for 11 months now. In 28 days it will be a year, and i could not be happier. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I love him with all my heart. I really cant wait until he's mine again. Less than 5 months until he'll be back in my arms for 2 whole months. *glee*

I'm yet to decide if i was over-reacting or if my actions were apt. I'm also certain anything i write here will be very one-sided, obviously swayed by my feelings, but i cant help that, it is my journal after all.

Talking last night Vorty's friend, who gives me nothing but attitude every time i talk to him called me something vulgar, with absolutely no reason behind it. Before then he had blocked and deleted me off of his list, so it's not like i can even talk to him. I dont know why he did it, Vorty said it's just his sense of humor - i wasnt amused.

I understand where Vorty was coming from, it's difficult to be caught between a friend and a girlfriend, but it still hurt that i felt like he wasnt behind me at all on this. His friend has ALWAYS been moody to me, he has never liked me. Even if it is his sense of humor, it's uncalled for, especially towards someone he barely even knows.

But Vorty really didnt seem to see it my way at all, he said i was overreacting and i should just calm down. Making me feel almost as if i was the one seen as at fault in the situation. I know Vorty doesnt want me fighting with his friends, but it was completely rude, and there was absolutely no grounds for it.

I think the reason i feel put out the most is because Vorty did little more than defend and justify his friend's actions, he didnt defend me, he didnt let me defend myself, he just said "oh, thats the way he is" as if to say "just deal with it, no one really cares".

I guess I'm just in the mindset that if there is one person in this world who should care how i feel, and one person in this world who should be defending me in situations like that, it SHOULD be him. But obviously i'm wrong, because he didnt, even with a friend that he says isnt really much of a friend sometimes with the way he acts, Vorty still didnt support me, or even try to understand how i felt.