ugh seems the apocolypse is now i'm actually going to open up a bit in this journal by dropping my cloak and dagger bullshit. but first i pose this question to all my friends: why? why is it you are all actually able to stand me, let alone value my friendship? i mean i'm a fake narssasist, who adopts the persona to cover up my own lack of self esteem, and confidence, which of course all goes back to my up bringing but i digress. on to the rest of this entry i wonder, and it saddens me that i wonder this, but i wonder who i am, i know what i like and what i hate when it comes to the less abstract areas, but there just seems to be something missing for awhile i thought it was love, i never really felt loved (again because of the enviorment in which i was raised i think) not that i wasn't i'm sure i was but i just never felt it. well the few crushes i've deigned to acknowledge have ended, at first horribly but well human adaptation is miraculouse, i am thinking of one case in particuler, and still sorting through emotions, something i don't like to do. recently i've been pondering if i need love at all though, i don't feel it when its given to me, but i try to give at the very least posotivity to others(one reason i don't open up much because i don't want to drag others down.) well going back to my emotional state maby at the moment love is beyond me. i say this because my current state of exsistance is a stagnant contentedness, not happyness, i feel isolated half the time, only really feeling regret of my previous actions, and i suppose experiencing emotions vicariously through others...
on the other hand i'm a bad judge of character so tell me what you think when you read this, i look forward to your beratements. and yes i may have made that word up.
 7thwave- · Fri Mar 19, 2010 @ 10:35pm · 2 Comments |
