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Well, my a**l fissure is slowly healing. The stool softeners are doing their job, thank God, and the bleeding is minimal now. It still hurts a little bit, but it is nothing like it was a week or so ago. In a couple of weeks, I should be fully healed. It still sort of sucks though; I have been avoiding doing certain things because I don't want to be stuck somewhere and then have to go to the bathroom. For example, I have skipped many more classes last week than I really wanted to because I don't want to take that chance of maybe passing out in some remote bathroom at school. No one would find me in the remote bathrooms, and I can't do that stuff in a really public bathroom...but I should be ok with going to classes since going to the bathroom has gotten a bit better. However, this morning I was going to go to a synagogue that is about a 30 minute walk from here, but I got up to go and didn't have the urge to go to the bathroom yet. I really didn't want to have to do the whole process in some random shul 30 minutes from my house, and I would have to carry the lidocaine and petroleum jelly with me to the shul, which looks kind of bad since Jews aren't allowed to carry things on the sabbath (and I would rather not look conspicuous...). Either way, my a** kept me from going to shul. Next week I should be better than this, so I shall go then.

A whole bunch of stuff has happened lately. I've had a few midterms (most of them went well), I saw Michael twice last week and he slept over Sunday and Monday night. We hung out and talked, watched movies and whatnot. It was nice to see him, particularly since I won't be seeing him again for a couple of weeks. Yom Kippur was Wednesday night-Thursday night, then he had his surgery on his ankle for his tendon Friday morning, and now it is the Sabbath. Since I saw him on Tuesday afternoon, I have only talked to him once right after the surgery, and he was all doped up on some Percoset, so that was only a couple minutes worth of talking...Sukkot, the next big festival, starts Monday night (Oct 13th), and then he is in Jersey with his parents for the holiday week until it ends on Oct 22nd, a Wednesday night. Then, once he is back at school he is in a walking cast so I probably won't see him for a while after that. The bright side is that by the time I do see him again, I should be mostly healed up...

Two days ago, I was making popcorn on a stovetop (it's much better calorie-wise and I can control the portion better) and I burned myself with the hot oil. Luckily, I was wearing a really loose nightgown and I was leaning forward, so most of the oil just got on the nightgown. My leg looks like I have a phoenix or something with it's wings spread on it. It's already starting to heal though, and it barely hurt when it happened, so I am sure it is no big deal. It sort of sucks that it is way up on my upper thigh though.

Yesterday, I was in my kitchen and I definitely saw a mouse run behind our stove. I have never seen any rodent in the house, but I have observed Jackie's cat, Sadie, staring oddly at the kitchen stove lately. A mouse must have somehow snuck into the house. The landlords bought us some sticky traps that I am going to place tonight when Jackie gets home with her help. Seeing as none of my boxes of food are chewed into and I have yet to see any sign of a mouse up in the top cupboards where my food is, this mouse must be living off of the mess Jackie makes all over the counters and the stove. I also didn't help by spilling popcorn in a crack next to the fridge that I can't get to in order to clean though...The rodent situation sort of grosses me out, and now I am freaked out about a mouse in my room, but like my mother reminded me, mice don't live where there is no food generally. My room is the furthest from the kitchen, and I don't leave food just hanging around in my room. I eat in here and then I immediately throw the containers away. I also haven't heard anything really, but I am all sorts of paranoid and I am making up things, mostly the paper rustling that occurs from my fan and the noises from outside since my window has been open lately.

Today I went to go to the bathroom, which isn't much fun at the moment to begin with because of the a**l fissure. I used the numbing ointment and the petroleum jelly like normal, but things went sort of badly. I ended up opening up the fissure, and either the sight of so much blood or the blood itself caused me to pass out in the bathroom. I didn't completely pass out; I was able to be aware enough of what was happening to lay myself on the floor and take deep breaths...

I'm scared. I know if I pass out and hurt myself no one will even notice. My roommates are busy studying, and now that they know what is going on with me as far as bathroom things go, they wouldn't knock for hours. They would just use the other toilet in Jackie's room. I am scared of going out somewhere for fear that I will need to go to the bathroom and I will pass out in some crazy public bathroom. Basically, as far as leaving the house goes, I am on a need-to-leave basis. I am going in tomorrow for a midterm in the morning, and I may stick around to catch the oculomotor lab in the afternoon (even though my section is Tuesday), but that's it. On Tuesday, I am skipping all of my classes and the Oculomotor lab and only going in from 4:30-7:30PM for the proceedures lab. On Wednesday, I am going in from 9-11 for the midterm but I shall be leaving after that, and thankfully I have Thursday off because of Yom Kippur. I don't think I am going to go to any of Friday's classes either.

The worst part is that I am hungry and I still need to go to the bathroom. I barely pushed anything out and I bled that bad. I didn't start using the stool softeners until about 2 days ago, so this isn't a soft type of stool, and there really is nothing I can do except pass it. I need to eat something for strength's sake, but I don't want to for obvious reasons. I've never been this scared.