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T_T
If I could just pick up and leave right now. I'd go.
But I have all of $780. No chance of an entry-level job, no chance of a job in my field, and I don't know where I would go.
But I'm really tired of crying. I feel useless and hopeless, and like I'm a burden and pathetic and lonely and confused and boring and bitchy and like I just shouldn't be here. I feel like everything I've worked so hard for was a mistake. It certainly didn't get me anywhere. I can't even talk about it without crying. I've been crying for the last hour.
I tried to smother it with a pillow but it didn't work. Here I still am, here the tears still are and here I'm still lost.
My dad is mad at me because he tried to ask me a question and I broke down and ran away. I can't even talk to my family anymore without turning into a watery blob of nothing.
And so much for all the friends I thought I had. Only one of them I still call a friend. The others either only talk to me when it suits them, and what they say is pointless, or I've totally lost interest in them. And this makes me feel guilty too because I told them they were my friends once. And now I just changed my mind? I don't even care what they think. Where were they? They don't even ask me how I am. Yes, the answer is always the same, but maybe if I few people cared, if they'd send me a comment or a message every day so I still feel like I"m worth something...
Being friendless makes you feel worthless, it's just another reason for me to ask myself what my problem is and what's wrong with me and what did I do? I always try to tell myself that things happen for a reason. But what reason am I scarred up so I can't look in the mirror or leave the house without makeup. What reason am I stuck spending a year sitting around crying after putting so much money and 5 years into getting an education I thought I was in love with? I don't love Archaeology anymore. All those people died and their lives were pointless. Because no one cares about old bones or the lives of those people 2000 years ago. It doesn't matter, because you're all obsessed with your looks and your money and your boyfriends and your big houses and being better than everyone else because YOU are also scared about life and you know you're going to die one day too. And you just have to go out being the best, and making yourself think that there's something on the other side and that your life meant something, when really it means s**t. It doesn't mean anything, there's no point to it.
We're just animals that know too much. And for me this knowing too much is torture. I go to sleep and know that one day I won't exist anymore, and then wonder why I'm even bothering. I'm so miserable and lonely and what if it never changes and it ends like this?
By then it won't matter, but 80 years is a long time yet not enough.
I can't breathe right now, I'm tired of sneezing and my eyes bothering me because of whatever plants grow here.
I'm tired of the sky being blue...it's always blue!
And the mountains, they're immortal and they're just there.
Violent forces created them, forces millions of years ago that I'll never see or understand. But I want to understand. I want to be a Geologist.
Animals are going extinct because of humans, beautiful animals that were here before we were We...I love them, but I don't love myself. I want to save them and let humans rot, I want the next generations to exist and be able to see a panda and a tiger and an elephant. I want to be a Conservation Biologist.
I want to be old and still see glaciers and forests and swim in the ocean. I want the seasons to change and habitats to thrive and I want to help save the world from ourselves. I want to be an Ecologist.
I want to study those people who lived long ago and know what they loved and what they ate and how they dressed and decorated their houses. I want others to be excited about their ancestors. I want to be an Archaeologist.
I want to forget English and hear what the language sounds like to a foreigner. Does it sound pretty? What is it like to learn English?
I want to learn Japanese because it's beautiful and the words just flow so nicely.
I want to travel.
I want to spend my weekends with a lady I love and drink coffee and look for books to read at random book stores, and kayak and hike and know EVERYTHING about her, and share my thoughts with her and share lyrics I love and why I love them with her.
I want to ride a horse again.
I want to fly in an airship...and visit Rivendell.
But they're all just dreams, and dreaming gets me nowhere.
It's all about money and living in the right place.
And I don't. So what do I do?
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