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"Then you get the effect of having set every single nerve on fire without the actual physical proof! Wow, those do sound bad..." Cap's expression matched Harry's. They walked in sober silence for a bit. That lasted until they reached their destination, where they found a very odd scene playing out.

Stark was chasing a harassed looking Bruce around the lab tables, shouting, "I want you to have mah babes!"

Harry broke down in helpless laughter. "I-i wondered w-w-who would get the spiked cookie!" He gasped out, while Cap looked torn between amusement and exasperation.

Bruce, hearing this, roared to the wizard while he put the table in between him and the obviously drugged man, "You did this?! MAKE HIM STOP!"

Crestfallen Chapter 16

Instead, the woman who had with relentless practice become a fine actress (along with the rest of Clan Kitsune and their allied retainers) showed up giving no sign that she knew any of them at all. "You and you," she pointed to Sasuke and the disguised Orochimaru, seemingly at random. "You'll be the ones to be drugged for your teams."

Then she gave them a nasty, superior smirk, playing the 'vindictive proctor' role to the hilt. "Unfortunately, we've run out of the oral version, so you'll be forced to take it rectally." Two enema bags slapped them, one each in the chest. "And since I don't care to get my hands dirty, you'll administer it to each other."

Orochimaru's face split into a grin so wide it nearly bisected his face. It probably wasn't possible for anyone to grin wider, and he forgot all about his petty revenge on the apple core boy in thinking about his sudden access to Sasuke's boyish bottom.

The Snake Sannin couldn't decide which made him happier, the opportunity to fondle Sasuke's a**, or having The Uchiha touch his in return.

"Try not to enjoy yourself too much, Sasuke. We all know you don't like girls," Sakura teased, which had the Uchiha pale dramatically and glare at her, while Naruto broke down laughing, as she'd stolen the words out of his own mouth a moment before he could speak them.

Orochimaru's grin, if possible, got dramatically wider. At this point it had to have had something to do with those anatomical jutsu of his, as a grin that wide should not be possible. It clearly wasn't natural.

Anko, in an amazing display of acting prowess, did not reveal one tiny hint of what she was thinking for the moment, simply shooting her thumb in the direction of the nearest tent without the slightest crack in her 'vindictive proctor' facade. "Right, you two lovebirds go off and dose each other. Try not to spend too much time enjoying it or you'll be late for the test."

Casting subtlety aside, Orochimaru picked a suddenly horrified Sasuke up by his tongue and raced off into the tent indicated, all other plots forgotten for the moment.

"NOOOOOOOO!!!!" came a mortified scream a moment later as his pants came flying out the tent flap, only to be drawn back in by a tongue a moment later.

Anko had already joined the two remaining genin of Team 7 in rolling around on the grass in helpless laughter, clutching their guts as they wept tears from their eyes.

The two fake Grass genin stared at each other uncomprehendingly.

I I I

Orochimaru was much mellower when he came out of the tent, dragging Sasuke, who looked bedraggled, humiliated, and somewhat in pain. The hickey on the side of his neck wasn't a cursed seal this time, and he had lipstick on.

He got no sympathy from either of his teammates.

Then the drugs kicked in.

He grinned a truly happy grin. This had turned out to be one of the best days of his life. He'd made a somewhat friend with Temari, became a ninja, and to top it off, neither his sensei or the Kazekage had a problem with him being the Kyubi container.

There was absolutely nothing in this world that could make this day horrible for him!

As he turned to go, his stomach growled again. "Hey Kazekage-sama? Do you know where I could find a decent ramen shop?"

The Yondaime turned back to him with a light frown. "I'm sorry Uzumaki, but Sunagakure does not import ramen, nor do we have any shops that make it."

----------

Kankuro looked up from his workbench. Slowly he got up and walked into the living room, where Temari was resting. "Hey sis, did you hear that?"

"Hear what?" the kunoichi asked.

"That bloodcurdling scream that sounded like someone who's body was getting crushed little by little by Gaara's sand."

Temari shrugged. "I don't know, but Gaara's in his room by himself."

Kankuro scratched his chin. "Hmm, weird. ...Oh well." And with that, he returned to his room.

"Oh, yeah. Right." Naruto easily pulled the sword out with a flex of muscle and examined the weapon. He tried twirling it in his grasp. "So when are you gonna show me how to use one of these?" His hand slipped and he had to jerk his other arm out of the path of the sharp blade. He then quickly spread his feet as the tip impaled the ground where his toes had been.

"Dobe, you're dangerous enough with small pointy objects without arming you with big pointy objects." He pulled the rice from the fire and began to spoon it into two bowls.

"b*****d! My small pointy object's just as good as your big pointy one!" the blonde yelled.

Sasuke tried not to choke on his mouthful of rice. "Then why do you have your hands all over mine?"

"Because it looks cool and I wanted to play with it." Naruto, mercurial as ever, gave the katana another experimental twirl.

'Kami-sama, he can't be that oblivious.' Sasuke smirked over at him. "Be careful, if you don't know how to handle it, you could hurt yourself."

"I can so too handle it!" the younger shinobi protested indignantly.

Sasuke set his bowl down and practically sauntered over to Naruto. He put his hand over the other's on the hilt and leaned in ever so slightly. "So, do you really want to learn how to handle my big pointy thing?"

Naruto blinked once. He then blinked twice. "Ecchi!" he suddenly accused as red flooded his face.

Sasuke sighed as he pulled his katana out of unresisting fingers. "It was a joke, dumbass. You're the one who said I should lighten up." He turned and walked back to the fire. "Get your a** over here and eat. We have a lot of ground to cover today. And don't forget to take your vitamins."

Naruto hesitated before following him. 'Smooth, real smooth, Naruto. Here he was practically handing himself to you on a silver platter and you freak. But...he said he was joking. If I had hit on him when he wasn't serious, he would have ran me through with his 'big pointy thing.' And NOT the one I wanted.'

The class had arrived in the dungeons for their Potions class.

Harry took a seat at the front of the class again, rubbed his hands together in glee while his eyes were shining in pure ecstasy. He accidentally whispered the word "chaos" which resulted in Hannah and Susan backing away from him. They took a seat at the other end of the classroom.

A guy finally took the seat next to Harry. Harry looked at him and saw that the guy looked very nervous. Harry looked around the classroom and frowned when he realized that everyone was looking at him.

"What? I haven't done anything..." '...yet.'

Harry looked around the classroom and frowned when he realized that there was a sticking charm on the door. He looked confused for a second before his eyes opened in shock. 'That ruddy b*****d!' Harry removed the sticking charm a second later.

Not a moment too soon because the door slammed open a fraction of a second later. The next few seconds seemed to happen in slow motion for Harry.

The door flew towards the wall.

The professor set a foot inside the classroom.

The door slammed against the wall, but unfortunately it didn't stay there.

The professor set another foot inside and started talking, "I am P-

The door slammed back towards the original position, which contained a Professor that assumed the door would stay stuck to the wall.

"-roffeso-

THUD

Harry looked around the classroom and saw that everyone was in some state of mirth, but nobody dared to laugh due to the stories they had heard from their fellow classmates. Some of the students were desperately biting their lips to avoid laughing. He also saw a couple of tears running down Susan's face. She hadn't fallen down only because Hannah was supporting her.

Snape pushed the door of the classroom gently back towards the wall. A fuming Snape stood in the doorway with a broken nose. Harry saw Snape quickly took out his wand and fixed his nose with a healing spell.

In a whisper Snape started again, "I am Professor Snape-

At least Harry thought that Snape was saying that. The sound of his teeth grinding over each other was drowning out the whisper at several intervals. Harry zoned out the rest of the explanation. It seemed Snape realized that he couldn't exactly blame this on any of the first years. Not even that annoying Potter kid. The class started with their first potion half an hour later. Snape had not even asked any questions at all.

Fav HP Quotes:

"Mr. Moony presents his compliments to Professor Snape, and begs him to keep his abnormally large nose out of other people's business."
"Mr. Prongs agrees with Mr. Moony, and would like to add that Professor Snape is an ugly git."
"Mr. Padfoot would like to register his astonishment that an idiot like that ever became a professor."

"Yeah, someone might slip dragon dung in it again, eh, Perce?" said Fred. "That was a sample of fertilizer from Norway!" said Percy, going very red in the face. "It was nothing personal!"
"It was," Fred whispered to Harry as they got up from the table. "We sent it."

One of them was a very old wizard who was wearing a long flowery nightgown. The other was clearly a Ministry wizard; he was holding out a pair of pinstriped trousers and almost crying with exasperation.
"Just put them on, Archie, there's a good chap. You can't walk around like that, the Muggle at the gate's already getting suspicious"
"I bought this in a Muggle shop," said the old wizard stubbornly. "Muggles wear them."
"Muggle women wear them, Archie, not the men, they wear these," said the Ministry wizard, and he brandished the pinstriped trousers.
"I'm not putting them on," said old Archie in indignation. "I like a healthy breeze 'round my privates, thanks."

"Mad-Eye Moody?" said George thoughtfully, spreading marmalade on his toast. "Isn't he that nutter"
"Your father thinks very highly of Mad-Eye Moody," said Mrs. Weasley sternly.
"Yeah, well, Dad collects plugs, doesn't he?" said Fred quietly as Mrs. Weasley left the room. "Birds of a feather..."

"I was saying that Saturn was surely in a position of power in the heavens at the moment of your birth...your dark hair...your mean stature...tragic losses so young in life...I think I am right in saying, my dear, that you were born in midwinter?"
"No," said Harry, "I was born in July."
Ron hastily turned his laugh into a hacking cough.

"Don't be a prat, Neville, that's illegal," said George. "They wouldn't use the Cruciatus Curse on the champions. I thought it sounded a bit like Percy singing... maybe you've got to attack him while he's in the shower, Harry."

"You're alive," she said blankly to Harry.
"There's no need to sound so disappointed," he said grimly, wiping flecks of blood and slime off his glasses.
"Oh, well...I'd just been thinking...if you had died, you'd have been welcome to share my toilet," said Myrtle, blushing silver.

"You seem to be drowning twice," said Hermione.
"Oh, am I?" said Ron peering down at his predictions. "I'd better change one of them to getting trampled by a rampaging Hippogriff."
"Don't you think it's a bit obvious you've made these up?" said Hermione
"How dare you!" said Ron in mock outrage. "We've been working like house elves here!"

"Aaaah," said Ron, imitating Professor Trelawney's mystical whisper, "when two Neptunes appear in the sky, it is a sure sign that a midget in glasses is being born."

Dudley had done the thing he was threatening to do since age three: He had become wider than he was tall.

"Sure you can manage that broom, Potter?" said a cold, drawling voice.
Draco Malfoy had arrived for a closer look, Crabbe and Goyle right behind him.
"Yeah, reckon so," said Harry casually.
"Got plenty of special features, hasn't it? said Malfoy, eyes glittering maliciously. "Shame it doesn't come with a parachutein case you get too near a Dementor."
Crabbe and Goyle sniggered.
"Pity you can't attach an extra arm to yours, Malfoy," said Harry. "Then it could catch the Snitch for you."

"You don't know how bizarre it is to see Goyle thinking." – Ron

"Bad news, Harry. I've just been to see Professor McGonagall about the Firebolt. She - er got a bit shirty with me. Told me I'd got my priorities wrong. Seemed to think I cared more about winning the Cup than I do about staying alive. Just because I told her I didn't care if it threw you off, as long as you caught the Snitch first." - Oliver Wood

"How're we getting to King's Cross tomorrow, Dad?" asked Fred as they dug into a sumptuous pudding. "The Ministry's providing a couple of cars," said Mr. Weasley. Everyone looked up at him. "Why?" said Percy curiously. "It's because of you, Perce," said George seriously. "And there'll be little flags on the hoods, with HB on them-" "-for Humongous Bighead," said Fred.

"Ah, of course! There is no need to tell me any more, Ms. Granger. Which one of you will be dying this year?" -Prof. McGonagall

"Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs," sighed George, patting the heading of the map. "We owe them so much."
"Noble men, working tirelessly to help a new generation of lawbreakers." said Fred solemnly..."

"Longbottom, if brains were gold then you'd be poorer than Weasley, and that's saying something." -Draco

"But we're not stupid we know we're called Gred and Forge." -George Weasley

Trelawny: "Would anyone like me to help interpret the shadowy realms within their orb?"
Ron: "I don't need help, it's obvious what this means: there's going to be loads of fog tonight."

Moaning Myrtle: "Peeves upset me so much that I came in here and tried to kill myself. Then, of course, I remembered that I'm that I'm"
"Already dead?"

"I hope you're pleased with yourselves. We could have been killed or worse, expelled!" -Hermione

He therefore had to endure over an hour of Professor Trelawny, who spent half the
lesson telling everyone that the position of Mars with relation to Saturn at that moment meant that people born in July were in great danger of sudden, violent deaths. "Well, that's good," said Harry loudly, his temper getting the better of him, "just as long as it's not drawn out. I don't want to suffer."

Lee Jordan was finding it difficult not to take sides.
"Soafter that obvious and disgusting bit of cheating"
"Jordan!" growled Professor McGonagall.
"I mean, after that open and revolting foul"
"Jordan, I'm warning you"
"All right, all right. Flint nearly kills the Gryffindor Seeker, which could happen to anyone, I'm sure..."

Ron: "Who're you going with then?"
Fred: "Angelina."
Ron: "What? You've already asked her?"
Fred: "Good point. Oi, Angelina! Want to come to the ball with me?"

Ron: "I could've taken those mer-idiots any time I wanted."
Hermione: "What were you going to do, snore at them?"

"Well, we were always going to fail that one," said Ron gloomily as they ascended the marble staircase. He had just made Harry feel rather better by telling him how he told the examiner in detail about the ugly man with a wart on his nose in the crystal ball, only to look up an realize he had been describing the examiner's reflection.

"You don't want to bottle your anger up like that, Harry, let it all out," said Fred, beaming. "There might be a couple people 50 miles away who didn't hear you."

"Who's Kreacher?"
"The house-elf who lives here," said Ron. "Nutter. Never met one like him."
"He is not a nutter," said Hermione.
"His life's ambition is to have his head cut off and stuck up on a plaque like his mother," said Ron. "Is that normal, Hermione?"

(After Lupin goes through a list of all the things they've done to discredit Dumbledore) "But Dumbledore says he doesn't care what they do as long as they don't take him off the Chocolate Frog Cards," said Bill, grinning.

"Harry, don't go picking a row with Malfoy, don't forget, he's a prefect now, he could make life difficult for you..."
"Wow, I wonder what it'd be like to have a difficult life?" said Harry sarcastically.

"I'll look for him later, I expect I'll find him upstairs crying his eyes out over my mother's old bloomers or something...Of course, he might have crawled up into the airing cupboard and died...But I mustn't get my hopes up..." –Sirius

As they climbed the staircase, the photos of various Healers called out to them, diagnosing odd complaints and suggesting horrible remedies. Ron was seriously affronted when a medieval wizard called out that he clearly had a bad case of spattergroit.
"And what's that supposed to be?" he asked angrily, as the Healer pursued him through six more portraits, shoving the occupants out of the way.
"'Tis a most grievous affliction of the skin, young master, that will leave you pockmarked and more gruesome even than you are now "
"Watch who you're calling gruesome!" said Ron, his ears turning red.
"The only remedy is to take the liver of a toad, bind it tight about your throat, stand naked by the full moon in a barrel of eels' eyes "
"I have not got spattergroit!"
"But the unsightly blemishes on your visage, young master "
"They're freckles!" said Ron furiously. "Now get back in your own picture and leave me alone!"
He rounded on the others, who were all keeping determinedly straight faces.

"Has Ron saved a goal yet?" asked Hermione.
"Well, he can do it if he thinks no one is watching him," said Fred, rolling his eyes. "So all we have to do is ask the crowd to turn their backs and talk among themselves every time the Quaffle goes up on his end Saturday."

Hawkeye entered and found him leant back in his chair with a small malicious quirk to his lips. He seemed to have found something of great interest on the ceiling. She coughed slightly and his eye focused itself on her as he shifted to look at her.

“Hawkeye, if someone called you a ‘girlie’, what would you do?” He seemed rather interested in her reply.

“Before or after I shot him, Sir?” Hawkeye said blandly. Mustang smirked at that.

“Someone called Ed that today,” he said reflectively. He heard the sharp intake of breath from Hawkeye. “Actually he called her a ‘crippled little blonde girl’ as well.”

“And the dead man’s name is…?” Hawkeye asked in a firm voice. Mustang had known Hawkeye a long time and he could feel the outrage and anger she was concealing.

“Edward let him live…just.” Roy smirked at the memory.

Thirty minutes before six, every shinobi in Konoha worth their salt heard about The Bet. Twenty minutes before six, Asuma managed to talk Ibiki into participating. Exactly how Asuma managed to convince Morino Ibiki into taking part of the bet, no one would ever know. Perhaps the Torture and Interrogation specialist felt he was being professionally challenged. Or he was just as curious as everyone else. But surely it was one of the most incredible feats of persuasion ever.

Ten minutes before six, Ibiki and Asuma, and many a bored Jounin and Chuunin, were ensconced in the administration canteen, waiting for the Ninja Academy teachers to appear. The number of bets that had been placed during the interim of six hours was so many as to be ridiculous. The number of rules enforced upon the betting process was even more ridiculous. But the sheer amount of speculation that took place was simply beyond the event horizon of disbelief.

Indeed, the number of bored shinobi in Konoha was just staggering.

Kakashi, surprisingly enough, choose to become part of the audience of Bored Konoha Shinobi ™ over his usual Solitary Boredom ®. Of course, seeing that he was sitting next to Gai, it was entirely possible the self-proclaimed Beautiful Blue Beast ™ dragged his Eternal Rival into a challenge that involved the bet in some convoluted manner. Or maybe Copy Ninja no Kakashi had a hitherto unknown gambling streak. Ibiki certainly thought so.

“I didn’t know you were into gambling, Kakashi,” he commented.

“I’m surprised you agreed to this,” Kakashi shot back. It is to be noted he didn’t deny anything about gambling.

Promptly at six, the Academy teachers entered the canteen, Harada-sensei in the lead. They took their seats at the teacher’s corner. Iruka, who didn’t seem to notice what the hell was going on, was directed to sit where the audience could have a good front view.

They communed.

“So far, I am not impressed,” Ibiki whispered without moving his lips.

“I wouldn’t put my guard down, if I were you,” Kakashi advised quietly.

At that moment, as if on cue, Harada produced a piece of chocolate cake out of nowhere: a very LARGE piece of cake.

Harada offered it to Iruka, who promptly blushed and tried to refuse.

A shudder rippled through the audience closest to the teacher’s corner.

At length Iruka accepted the cake, blushing pinker and thanking Harada. Then Iruka took a fork and sliced a sliver of cake.

What happened afterwards would be forever remembered as THE CAKE INCIDENT (all caps intentional). Due to the graphic nature of the incident, it cannot be elaborated in detail. But, suffice it to say, half of the shinobi audience teleported themselves out of the canteen two minutes into the incident, while the other half left five minutes later. Among those who left early, a good number of miniskirt-wearing kunoichi left wearing standard issue trousers, and a greater number of men left with their shirts tied around their waists torso part front. Gai had to be transported to the hospital to mend a broken nose. Asuma, who broke Gai’s nose for continuously counting the number of bites Iruka took to swallow a cake, limped out of the canteen with his waist cloth shifted to hide the front of his trousers. Harada-sensei had to hunt him down to get his winnings, but he needed a week’s recovery period before that. No one was quite sure what happened to Ibiki, but it would be three days before the interrogator tried to show his face in public. As for Kakashi … he was transported to the hospital as well. Rumor had it he was diagnosed with severe hemorrhaging and blood-loss.

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