I lose so much in my life, with the death of 2 aunts that my mom and dad told me about, one right after the other then my dog right after them last summer. I have not been the same scene. I love them so much it hurts, I did not get to say I love them before they died. Then just to find out I lose other family member that my parent confused did not tell me until now. Ok I know I take it hard but I still had the right to know so I could have said something to them so they know I love them just the same and I will miss them.. This hurt more knowing they did not tell me when it happen.. I feel lost and left out even more then I ever have.. I have the right to know even if it hurt me deeply, I still should have been told. I grow up with them and just because we moved away does not mean I don't love them anymore.. I do care for them even if we did not talk much being how far apart we are from one another does not stop me from loving or caring for them... I have been crying, hurt, lost and not sure how to feel right now..
just it been a really bad year for me with my best friend having a gun put to his head as he get to the stop light and a robber ready to pull the trigger, my friend looked into his eyes and saw that he was on out of it, the guy would have shot him any way. So he hit the gun away from his head as the police right behind him was telling the guy to drop it as the robber shot my friend in the arm as the police shot the robber. He have not been the same. Just because of what he had a fast car .
Then one of my roommate just lost her job and have been giving me a hard time.. because of no money and no job.. I letting her stay here until she get back on her feet. Then all she does is giving me a hard time on top of this.. I have not seen her try much to get out there and look. I know times are hard but I know that this is my mom and dads place, that they said I could stay here because of them being on the road seeing how I have horses. I could keep them and stay here. But still I have to have to do the upkeep on the place so I could keep my horses and my dog and two cats. Ok I know that I am lucky to have a place just the same that I don't have to pay rent on but just to pay for my own hay and bedding for the horses and my food and things I need just the same I work with others and there horse and dog to help them and I get paid that way so I can get the things I need to do.. I work hard at what I do just the same. I pay for it just the same even if I get kick in the arm and head...YES my head I still paying for that one.. It still hurt me really bad, I still see the hoof coming at me every time I feel the pain in my head. But I live with it even as bad as I feel at time. The doctor said I was lucky to be alive just a half a inch more I would not be hear. Some time I almost wish that I was not here, with the way other do me. I have ever done was to try to be nice to other. You know the golden rule do unto other as you want other to do to you.. That how I was tough so I live that way. I have never started any fight or was mean to other just wanted to nice.
Ok I have been ranting on and on but my mom is not here ok she is like my best friend too. I talk to her like seeing how I out in the middle of nowhere and all of my other friend moved away from here.. Ok it not like the big city's that have all the fun stuff to do but still this is my home. I don't like to party like the rest just to get drunk or do drugs.. I don't like the way it make me feel, Ok yes I try it before but it mess with your head to much and I don't like the feeling it made me feel. So I just stop doing it.. After seeing my friend and how it was making them act at the same time and how it change them at the same time. I lose more friend because of drugs and drinking. I try to tell them how it was changing them. All I that I care about is just about gone even me... I have not told other how I been doing at the same time. It hard what with my boyfriend been gone so much because of his work, I understand that at the same time but still miss him just the same. I don't know if I want to get merry right now seeing how every thing is so mess up and I don't know to do he said I would have to move from here. I don't want to move from here I love it here it nice to see all the hawk flying around the place and even a bold eagle from time to time. Even down to seeing two gray fox at my back door looking at me at the same time. hearing the wild life around me seeing my horse running in the grass tail flying in the wind as they run. just can't give this all up and live in the city. I only like just going there from time to time to go and do some things but it always good to come back to home. I love him but I love it here at the same time he may have to move too, because of his job want him to go out of stats. Everyone is leaving on me.. This is way I have been so upset with all that been going on around me I am feeling even more lost and a lone... it hurt deeply that I don't know what to do... It hurting so much and crying over everything what do I do, why can't I make up my mind over this why should I give up my horses at the same time. I can't do that it would eat at me if I did and then I would die inside more then I am now. I not sure how to feel but only sad lost and a lone... this was a place I could come to get away from it all and have fun but that even gone now.. I don't know what to say to other right now but sorry if I bugged you. Hope you all the very best in what ever you do take care and live for love and happens even if it only for a short time but just take it for what it is.
don't know if I will come back or want to at the same time... it just not the same or I'm not the same Rose you knew. I don't know if I even know who I am
anymore. seem like other keep trying to change me even if I don't want to change. Why should I change this is or was who I am.. don't know anymore... god growing up suck... confused
Taharanwe Community Member 
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