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Dream Of Me

I’m not sure how I ended up in front of the church, but at the moment it didn’t seem to matter. I stood at the foot of the stone steps in a deep blue fitted gown. Blue? What happened to black? Well guess I'm not there for a funeral... With blue flowers in my hair and a white rose in my hand, I wandered through the large wooden doors, hoping I looked like I belonged. I’m not sure why the sudden impulse to go there, I just knew that I had to.

No one seemed to notice me as I made my way through the church halls. I walked easily, letting my feet guide me as if I had been there many times before. I came to a chapel decorated with pink delicate roses. How nauseating. I slipped into the back pew and placed my rose beside me. Things were making little sense. I looked around me, not recognizing anyone. Why was I in a church at a wedding?

I then looked up towards the front of the chapel, right at the bride and groom. Things seemed to move in slow motion. My eyes barely noticed the blushing bride, as they instantaneously recognized the gorgeous groom. He looked at me at that same moment and our eyes locked. I couldn’t speak. To think he still takes my breath away….

“Do you Jordan Mitchell take April Peters to be your lawful wedded wife…? The reverend’s voice broke our trance and brought him back. “I do,” Jordan smiled. I couldn’t breathe and the room began to spin.

In my mind, I scanned over my life. At that moment, everything I knew and thought I knew meant nothing. “Is there anyone who does not approve of this union, speak now or forever hold your peace...” Those words echoed in my mind loud and strong for a brief moment. Without thinking, I jumped up and yelled, “I do!” Everyone gasped and turned towards me. I ignored their judging eyes and walked up to the bride and groom, leaving my rose behind on the empty oak pew. My heart was beating hard in my chest. My vision was blurry. But I saw Jordan. I knew Jordan. I wanted Jordan.

“Who is this?” the bride demanded.

“It’s you…” the groom gasped.

“Yeah, it’s me, it’s really me.”

“From my dreams?” He questioned with those shining eyes. I nodded, trying to contain my tears.

“But how? I mean, I thought you weren’t real. And now here you are…”

“How to explain….,” I started out, knowing that many eager ears sat by. “Whenever someone thinks of someone else, or even things, vibrational energy that makes up the ‘human spirit’ is sent to that person or thing, it’s lame I know... Oh god I sound like an idiot... I think of you a lot and I try to send you images and thoughts... But I was never sure you got them until now… I dreamt of us being together... I’d tell you about my day and envision you during yours... I wanted so badly for you to really see me...”

“At first, I thought I was crazy. So did everyone else. I had a dream girl and I didn’t even know she was a real person... Eventually, I grew accustomed to it and looked forward to hearing from you. I stopped questioning it… but now… I never thought you could ever be real...” Jordan stammered. He finished with a faint, “wow...”

I understood. It was all so overwhelming. His blue eyes sparkled and burned with the passion that is the very essence of his soul. His face…so perfect and pure. He stood tall in a beautiful black tux. His shoulder length blonde hair was pulled back in a loose ponytail, so that a few strays fell down around his face. A golden strand fell into his eyes. As I reached out to brush it away, another hand got there first and I quickly pulled back. It was the bride.

“So why don’t you want us to get married?” she asked. It wasn’t anger in her voice, but confusion. Why was she being so nice to me? I’d slap any woman who wanted to take my fiancé away... I realized that I hadn’t even looked at her. Jordan introduced us after realizing that I wasn’t going to answer the bride’s question. Everyone else in the chapel strained to hear what was going on. Why aren’t these people throwing me out?

April…The bride. She was a petite red-head with manners and grace. She was sweet and it sickened me. “Bet she prefers romances to the action films I love,” I thought smugly. Her hair was curly and swept up with white roses in it. She wore a fitted gown with a big bell bottom, far too feminine for me. A long train lay upon the red velvet carpet and I thought about how lifeless and dead it looked...

I risked everything then and looked into her eyes. Love shines brightly through even a single gaze... And April... She really loves him, I could tell by those green embers. She looked at him the same way I did... I turned to Jordan. His eyes did nothing to hide the fact that he loved her too.

“I can’t do this…I love you more than anything and everything and I think you deserve to know that. Your happiness means more to me than my own,” I confessed. My heart pounded and my eyes filled with tears as I found strength that I never knew I had.

“That’s why I’m doing this. I don’t judge whether I love someone or not by whether I’d die for them or not, because I’d be willing to die for almost anyone. I judge my love by MY sacrifice of happiness... I always knew that if you asked me to, and if it truly made you happy, I would walk away and you’d never have to see me again... But... only if it truly made you happy. And I see your happiness here. You’re better off without me. I can’t get in the way of this... So I guess I’ll be going now…” The tears came once more and rolled down my cheeks.

“But what if I don’t want you to go?” Jordan argued. “I just found you. Isn’t it my happiness that matters here? What if you leaving makes me unhappy? I have so much that I want to ask you...”

“Watch over him, April. And love him like I do. Guard him like I would or answer to me,” I managed a feeble smile. “I will,” she answered with tears in her eyes.

"Don’t go…Please.” Jordan’s eyes were soft and pleading. He reached out a hand and took mine. I enjoyed his touch so much…I pulled away. “If only you knew just how much this hurts me too,” was all I could think, but I managed not to say it, as I longed to take his hand in mine and never let go.

“I have just one request,” I stated, diverting my eyes from his. If I looked into those eyes then, I would’ve lost my nerve.

“Anything.”

“Live a long and happy life. Have plenty of children and keep doing what you love…as long as you’re alive and happy, I can carry on.” My voice wavered as I spoke those words to the love of my life. I took one last glance at him. “I love you,” I whispered and turned away from him. He knew that there was nothing left to say. A single tear rolled down from those blue eyes. I didn’t have to look to know it was there, I just knew. I felt him, all of him, in my very being. I felt his pain, confusion, and his love for her... And it tore at my heart...

Walking back down the aisle, away from the one thing in this world that I have been wanting for so long, was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. My legs wanted to buckle as I walked blinded by tears. I heard comments made like, “poor thing,” as they stared. Many of them were crying as well. I continued until I was once again on the church steps.

I collapsed there, down to my knees, and the tears overwhelmed me. A painful cry escaped my lips. I had lost my only reason to live. Sobs escaped me then.

I looked up, why I don’t know, and looked right into Jordan’s earnest eyes. “Will you still be in my dreams?” he asked.

Stunned, I could say nothing at first. I managed a smile even though it hurt me to see him standing there, framed by the sun, gorgeous in his tux, wind in his hair...

“Always, as long as you honor my request,” I said, wiping the tears from my eyes in a meaningless effort to hide my pain. He kneeled at my side. I longed to freeze frame that moment in time, with him kneeling by my side, eyes inches away from my own...

“You know, I always loved you. Even when I thought you were only a dream,” He whispered, with a glint of joy in his eyes and sincerity in his voice. Then he left.

I heard the wedding carry on as if nothing had ever interrupted it. And if it weren’t for a feeling of new understanding that filled the air, no one would’ve been the wiser.

The festivities continued inside, while I cried until I couldn’t cry anymore. At my feet lay my rose. But it wasn’t white anymore. It was withered, brown and dead.