I used to think love wasn't real. Then I found someone I thought mattered, I was completely wrong. I am a very dependent person and I need someone around. I was played all over again. Maybe I make it easy. Maybe it's because I still haven't given up. And frankly, I don't think I'm going to. And I know "all guys are assholes" or whatever. But I'm gunna find that one guy who gives me a thousand butterflies in my stomach everytime he looks at me. I know I'm gunna find the guy I want. Everyone says I'm too young to have something real, but honestly, thats all I want. All I ever wanted was what I saw in the fairytales, or in chick flicks. For the past six months, trsut has been eating away at me. But what do I do? Pick myself backup and jump right back in. If I give up now, I'm never ever gunna get the love I want so bad. The love I dream about. The love I see in almost every guy's eyes, and it always ends up being a front. Of course I want to give up and let go of this silly dream, believe me I've tried. But then i think back to all those movies, all those fairytales and love stories, and I see how happy they end up. In every story and every plot, there is a conflict. my conflict is the constant uphill battle with myself. Arguing about whether or not to get up. But something about me tells me not to give up and to keep pushing. Cuz after every fall out and after every breakup, i have nothing to lose so why not throw myself right back in the game. To me, life, relationships, its all a big ******** game. Every game has a strategy, I'm going to find the trick with mine. And I'm not gunna give up, no matter how sad or how tired I am. i've fallen face down so many times, it shouldn't matter right? No, wrong. It's always going to hurt when i let others and myself down. I've been told "I love you" many times, and no matter what pain I've been in. I always fall for it. You all just think its a few words. it means something to me. Yeah, I might say it jokingly. But all the guys out there, when I tell you I love you, I mean it. And knowing me part of me will always mean it, and I will never ever forget saying it. I'm not gunna give up, because that would mean all this work was for nothing. ..All this hurt. I'm not gunna throw that upon myself. I want my happily ever after. I want my own fairytale. I'm sick of reading them in storybooks, I'm sick of seeing them on TV. I want to live it. I want to feel what all those "ordinary" girls feel. I want to be in love with someone who truly cares about me. I know everything has to end, but i at least want it to last long enough for me to enjoy. And the one thing I know for sure is that I don't want it ripped out of my hands, just out of my reach. I don't need any more people with an unfair advantage over me. I want my life back in my own hands. But I just don't know how to get it back, so meanwhile, I want someone to share confusion with. Someone to be utterly happy with. I want to look into someone's eyes and see something real instead of my own blank reflection looking back. I've had moments in my life where I've felt like nothing can touch me, nothing can bring me down. And to my surprise, the same people who gave me that feeling took it all away in a heartbeat. I used to feel beautiful just being myself, I lost all that. I've fallen so many times I can't remember the reasons. i'm so confused i can't decide what steps to take to get back on track anymore. The scary part is, my life isn't gunna stop while I sit and try to sort everything out. Everything's speeding by and I'm stuck, trying to decide what path to take. You're probably all thinking, "she's 14, what does it matter?" Let me tell you why it matters to me, one false step can ******** everything up. None of you realize that life is a chain reaction and you can't just flounce through it without thinking. The sick part is you're all gunna end up with a perfect life, like you've all had the whole time. I'm not gunna say my parents beat me, I'm not gunna say I got kidnapped and raped at a young age. I'm not gunna lie so you feel bad. Sure, I've had my fair share of hardships. nothing big. Nothing devastating. the thing that is different with me is I care. i care about the people who hurt me, no matter how hard I cried, no matter how bad it felt. Because I won't deny what I felt for them no matter how bad I want to, or how good it would be for me. I'm not the type to lie. Most of you are probably laughing at that. But it is true. Especially in regard to my feelings. Emotions mean something, and if you push them away and hide them, you're just a huge fake. Yeah, I cry. Yeah, I scream. But if you can admit when you're wrong you can do anything. And you can't always think positive. Just think, if you always expect the worst, when good things happen its thousands of times better. not only that but then you have nothing to lose. Life may be confusing, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't try and figure it out. If you just let it play out, how will you ever reach your goals? You need to write your own story, that way it will turn out just how you planned. Nobody understands that this is your life and you can make it whatever you want.
Just Dazzling Community Member 
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