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If you haven't noticed I haven't been using Gaia at all. I just got on today to tell you. Not that you really care, since I have no reputation on here as it is. So anyway. I may give s**t away since, I'm probably going to stop going on here. The forums have become idiotic. THE FUN HAS GONE. And it reminds me of my horrid middle school days, which I have been trying to forget. Since I was such a manga freak. I'm trying to get rid of all of it. And the stuff that I'm not getting rid of is in my closet.
Anyway, if I want to have a reminder of what a messed up little child I was in middle school I'll just look at some of the idiot freshman at my school. There's a girl who hangs out in the library, and she is nightmare enough. >.< Specially her shirt today.
GET A NEW SHIRT GIRL YOUR BOOBS ARE GOING FALL OUT OF THAT ONE, IT'S TO ******** BIG!!! I told you at lunch too. Did you listen? Noooo. I don't like you. Get a new bra too. That one is giving you no support what so ever.
Want to call this a rant? Fine. I don't care. mrgreen
I just want to say that to all you people that only read manga:
GET A LIFE!!! Read some classics. READ a book that actually is worth something. That isn't all either angst and sad or uber happy. And a lot of manga, I've noticed is either sexist or really bad.
PEOPLE GO READ A GOOD BOOK!!! Like <i>Catcher in the Rye</i> or <i>Romeo and Juliet</i>. How about <i>Lovely Bones</i>? Comic books are fun, but they won't teach you anything. You can't always tell the good from the bad in life. And the good guys don't always get the girls. And the heroine isn't always skinny. COME ON! Manga doesn't portray real life. Trust me I read enough of it middle school to know. AND IT'S EXPENSIVE!
All I can say is WAKE UP! Find a life, because Manga won't give you one.
 Sparklie Thespian · Wed Sep 28, 2005 @ 12:33am · 1 Comments |
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Brushing Out the Corner Where What I Used to be Lived |
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Have you ever stopped to think after saying something and wondered why you said it? For example, you see a movie, and you hated it. But you start talking to someone and they say they loved it, and out of nowhere, without thinking, you just say you loved it too. And then you mentally hit yourself over the head with a metal bat, and yell at the self who just said they loved the movie, who is now lying on the floor, cry. But you keep smiling on the outside, and laughing and you tell them what your "favorite" part was, when in fact, you feel asleep after the first 10 minutes and so therefore those first 10 minutes are your favorite part. Now, I know I'm blowing it out of proportion, but still, it's basically what happens.
Why do we do this, why do we lie about such trivial things? Is it just to be excepted. But if that's the case, by whom? And why? Why would you agree that so-and-so's hair is just ghastly, when really you were thinking about getting a haircut like it? We're like dogs, hoping that if we say the right thing we'll get a treat, or scratch behind the ear. Why can't our satisfaction with ourselves be enough? Why do we tiptoe around, like if we made a noise everything around us might fall apart. I know people who wear, speak and say things the way they do because they think people will think of them better for it. Not thinking that maybe people can see through the cracks in the mask. Why can't people just except that people will love you more if you show them the real you, and not what you think they want, because, most of the time, it's not what they want at all.
The worst part is getting caught. Say one thing to one person, and then say another to someone else and eventually you will get caught in your own lie, and not being trusted is the worst thing that could ever happen to a person, but after you conceal the real you for so long, it's hard to take the mask off. It's almost as if it's pushed the real you into a corner, and taken the rest of the space for itself. And all you can do is cry, wondering why you didn't stop when you could, and eventually that part of you, that was pushed in the corner disappears, leaving an empty corner of what you once were.
Sparklie Thespian · Fri Mar 11, 2005 @ 02:34am · 0 Comments |
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A while back I was walking past a Starbucks with some friends and saw these UPS guys playing poker. It was one of those moments where you just wanted to take a picture of it and sell it, so everyone could have it. I wish I could take a camera with me everywhere and just tape my whole day, and then, if it was a good day I'd watch it over and over again. And if it was a bad one, I'd trash it. That way, you could always be reminded of the good days, when you feel like s**t. I also want to carry around a tape recorder and just tape peoples voices and things they say, so instead of listening to just music, you could listen to people too. And remember how good life actually can be. Sometimes we forget how good life can be, and we feel like nothing is going right, and whatever we do is a mistake, but that's only because the mistakes are what we remember when we're having a bad day, or week. The bad parts of life are always what come to mind first, they stick out like a sore thumb. We always remember how we were such and a** at this one party, or how someone called us fat. But we never remember how much other people love us and really care. The good things just feel so trivial, and normal so we don't think about them, even when we need to the most, when we're depressed the good times are never what come to mind.
Sparklie Thespian · Thu Mar 03, 2005 @ 02:13am · 2 Comments |
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Trusting others is so easy, and yet, when one person breaks your trust you stop trusting everyone. Then you trust no one, even if you want to. It is easy to build a wall, but it is hard to break it down, and if you succeed in tearing it down, you can never get it all down. The ruminants of it will always be there, and then when another person hurts you the wall goes up even faster then before, and this time it's even harder to break.
Why are people like this? Why do we live behind an invisible wall that no ones sees, but they can feel it if they try to get too close? I sometimes wonder if eventually the wall will be torn down and the residue will eventually be blown away, but how long will this take? Not trusting people is a hard habit to break, and it feels comforting too. It feels like you're saving yourself from the pain of betrayal, when really you're not, you're just pushing people away from you.
Sparklie Thespian · Sun Feb 13, 2005 @ 10:36pm · 0 Comments |
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Sitcoms and People Watching |
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Okay. I believe sitcoms are only there to make people feel better about themselves. Most sitcoms are about families who don't get along, or something like it. Whenever something really good happens to a person it is usually followed with something really really bad. Like their cat dying, or their boyfriend/girlfriend cheating on them. They're like Soap Operas, except with better acting, and not all the male actors are gay. Okay, so I can't really say that sitcoms are like soap operas since I've never sat through a soap opera and if I did I'd have to have a friend with me who was really into it so I could annoy them, but I guess if that happened I'd end up not watching the whole thing anyway, and I can't really talk about sitcoms either, since I don't have cable and the channels I do have come out fuzzy, well except PAX. But I really don't want to listen to some guy talking about how I should "Praise the lord" and stuff like that, or watch the infomercials about the Bowflex while I'm sick.Which I haven't been, mind you, in quite a while. Well I mean REALLY sick, like sick enough to stay home. Well once I left my math class because I wasn't feeling to good, but I think that was because of the extremely large amount of blood I'd lost that day.
Do you want to know something that's fun to do when you've got nothing better to do? Go people watching. Coffee shops are the best place or malls. I'd like to try gluing a quarter to the floor, but I'd feel guilty about every happy little kid bending down to pick it up and, to there dismay, not being able too. It's happened to me before, and I really wanted that quarter too.
Sparklie Thespian · Sat Jan 29, 2005 @ 06:42pm · 0 Comments |
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So many people are afraid of death, but is death really something we should be afraid of? Death will always be there and we can't stop it. You can die at any time in your life, so why should we be afraid of something we cannot prevent? I am scared of growing old. It is, like death, something we can not stop from happening, and it is always there, but what I don't like about it is that you forget about it and it creeps up on you. I am 15 and so different then I was when I was 10, and when I am 20 I will be even more different then I am now. This I find scary. Someday I will be an old lady, with gray hair (unless I decide to dye it) and I will be comfortable with it and that is the scariest thing, I will be comfortable with being old and unable to walk far distances. I won't have the strength I have now, I'll be, old. I guess being old isn't a bad thing, it happens to everyone, but it's not something I want to happen, and something I wish I could prevent. I hate having to rely on others, having others help me do things I should be able to do. That is what scares me. That I will become helpless and I can't prevent it. I can't stop it. If I could I'd stop aging when I'm in my twenties, or thirties, but thats so stupid. If you stop growing older you miss parts of life, so maybe growing old won't be so bad.
Sparklie Thespian · Sun Jan 23, 2005 @ 03:38am · 0 Comments |
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People say that you are the only person who knows the real you. I don't think thats true. Specially not now, I feel as if I'm changing so quickly I don't know who I am. I'll be perfectly sane one day and the next I'll be spastic, and the next depressed for no reason I can see. Does anyone even care about anyone else at this moment in time? Do I care? I'm sick of caring, but you can't just stop, it's like thinking you never really stop thinking. You may think you do but even when you think you're thinking nothing you're obviously thinking something, because you're thinking about not thinking anything. It's like life. LIfe never really stops, it just leaves people behind. When you lock yourself in your room and don't come out, life goes on. When you die, life will go on whither you like it or not. It doesn't stop just because you do. You can't press pause.
I think people believe in god because they're to scared to believe in themselves. But I think believing in a nonexistent person is worse then believing in nothing because if you believe in something that doesn't exist and then you finally figure out that it doesn't exist you'll just get more disappointed then you would be if you believed in nothing in the beginning. If you are going to believe in something it should be something real, something you can see and talk to. Like your friends. But believing in people is just as hard as believing in something that isn't real, because people can be just as reliable as something that isn't there. And believing in yourself can be even harder because you know about all the horrible things you've done, and who wants to believe in someone like that?
Sparklie Thespian · Sat Jan 22, 2005 @ 08:31pm · 0 Comments |
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Why do people use one another for their own pleasure? People are stupid. I wish people never existed. We'd all be so much happier if we never got into relationships. No one would ever get hurt emotionally. Everything would be great. We'd all be relatively happy if our brains weren't so big. No one would ever get hurt because no one would know the meaning of love. Love is stupid. It just hurts people and kills their insides. Making them watch everyone, and untrusting. Do people who hurt others emotionally ever know what it's like to be the one who gets hurt? Are they trying to get even for what others did to them? Or are they just oblivious to what others feel? Do they just not feel emotional pain? Sometimes I wish I couldn't. That I could live without any emotion. Just smiling and laughing everywhere I go. Oh wait, I already do most of the time. But I'm not unemotional. It hurts. Like a slap, but I laughing everything off. And when I don't laugh and smile, people wonder if I'm okay. I hate making other people worry.
All they do is guess about my problems, and most of the time they get it wrong, like that stupid therapist I had. Thinking I had some stupid eating disorder. Well guess what? I don't eat much anymore. Sometimes I'll skip lunch and breakfast, or just eat enough to satisfy everyone. Am I okay? I don't know. I feel like I'm in a maze, and can't get out. Going deeper and deeper in, and I can't even go back the way I came, because I can't remember what door I went through. But the maze isn't life, like you might think. No it's me. I'm getting lost trying to figure out who I am. Ask me to describe myself. I can't. Or maybe I don't want to. I don't know. I thought maybe I could figure out who I was by the people I'm around. But it doesn't work. They're all so different.
I've looked at the blades on my razor, and think about the pain I would feel if I tried cutting myself, but I won't. I'm to afraid of what would happen. If I slipped and couldn't get up. I've drawn disappearing lines on my arms with my fingernail. I've looked at the arms of my friends and known the lines are bad, but in the same way, I think they're pretty. That scares me. I'm scared I might actually try. Maybe I should try and find another therapist. Someone who doesn't write labels on you with a pen on a paper that has your name on it, and that paper is you.
I hate people who analyze others. I guess I hate myself then. I'm always analyzing others. It's probably because my dad's a psychiatrist. I inherited his way of looking at others. I hate talking about my problems, but I love listening to others. You want to hear about my problems? Either read this or catch me at the right moment. And just maybe I'll spill. But I probably won't. And if I do, it'll be about stuff that is trivial, stuff everyone goes through. Only here will you get deep inside me.
Anyway, you can't find me through these posts. If you saw me on the streets I'd look like some weird girl in black pants, a t-shirt some funky hat that may or may not match her clothes. Maybe that's who I am. Someone who wants to blend in so she can't be pointed out in a crowd, but not enough to really try to look like everyone else. Maybe I really am the people I hate the most. The liars, the actors of life, but I'm one of the ones who doesn't lie about the people around, the ones who start false rumors. I'm the one who lies about my personally, but how can I do that if I don't know who I am. Is this really me? Or am I acting? I may never know.
Sparklie Thespian · Tue Jan 18, 2005 @ 12:26am · 0 Comments |
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